


Beneath These Scars

by wermadashatters18



Category: Actor RPF
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Romance, Eventual Sex, Eventual Smut, F/M, Feels, Friends to Lovers, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Physical Abuse, Post-Divorce, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Service Dogs, Sex, Slow Burn, Stalking, Trauma, therapy dogs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-02
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:15:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 22
Words: 54,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26782768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wermadashatters18/pseuds/wermadashatters18
Summary: Delilah (Dee) is a completely broken person. Her past haunts her daily, and the only thing in her life that she cares about is her service dog. She left behind everything and is slowly trying to pick the pieces of herself back up as she heals from her physical and emotional scars.One day in a dog park, a fateful meeting with a stranger changes everything Dee thought she ever knew.
Relationships: Chris Evans (Actor)/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 216
Kudos: 131





	1. The first meeting

**Author's Note:**

> So... this is definitely going to be different than what I've written previously. This is going to be a long, hard, very emotional road. I need to tell you all now that there are some talks of rape and physical violence. Definitely a lot of emotional trauma. This is not going to be for the light of heart, so please be aware of that before you start reading. I put everything in the tags I could think of and will try to add more later as we go on.
> 
> While this story is going to be a very long and emotional road, there WILL be happiness. It's going to take awhile. It's going to be rough, but we will get there.
> 
> Hope you all like this one! I really like what I've written of it so far.

Luna was running around with her tongue hanging out, a happy smile on her face as she ran around the dog park. My heart felt full watching her be this happy.

I wish I was able to feel even a fraction of the happiness she was feeling as she ran free with her ears flapping in the wind and another dog chasing her through the park.

***

My name is Delilah McGovern (Dee for short), and I am 34 years old. I just moved to Sudbury, Massachusetts (just outside of Boston) from San Diego, California about a month ago, and I'm a children's librarian in the public library system in Sudbury.

I'm divorced, currently single, and do not have any kids. It's just Luna and me, and she is not only my companion, but she is also my service dog and therapy dog. If I didn't have Luna with me these past 3 years, I would not be on this Earth.

I suffer from severe depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and PTSD. Luna's job is to provide me with comfort when I am having a bad episode. She was trained to recognize the signs of an impending panic attack or anxiety attack, and she will come comfort me and let me hug her and hold her until the worst of it goes away.

Luna is a 3 year old gray pitbull. They call her color "blue", but it's more like gray. She has beautiful blue eyes, and she has white on her chest, stomach, paws, and the tip of her tail. I had her for almost 1 year before I decided to put her through extensive training to become my service dog.

She had gone through more hard times and trauma with me in these past 3 years than anyone else in my life.

Not that I have anyone else in my life...

It's his fault. James, my ex husband, secluded me from every single person that cared about me and then he crushed me. He crushed the life out of me and extinguished my will to live.

But Luna saved me.

So when I say if it weren't for her that I would not be on this earth, I meant it.

***

It was the perfect fall afternoon in Sudbury, Massachusetts. The leaves were turning beautiful colors and starting to fall from the trees. The temperature was 50 degrees today, which was great for October 1st. Sometimes the summer wanted to hang on too long in the first week or so of October.

I didn't even know a dog park existed in my neighborhood, but after doing some walking and exploring with Luna, we found this little piece of heaven for her.

It was early Sunday morning when most people attended church, which was great for us because it meant that there were only two other dogs in the park.

Some people were funny about pitbulls because of all of the negativity surrounding them in the news and media. Surprisingly, even more people were funny about her being a service/therapy dog.

I'd heard it all. How can she be a real service/therapy dog? What do you even need a service/therapy dog for? You don't look sick. Isn't she vicious?

I really hated people.

I dug my hands into the pockets of my Jack Skellington hoodie and pulled the hood up, hoping I appeared as unapproachable as possible. I was also wearing a pair of sunglasses, faded black jeans with rips in them, and a pair of my most comfortable combat boots.

I watched Luna closely, all the while carefully surveying my surroundings from where I sat against the big weeping willow tree. The other 2 people with their dogs were currently on the other side of the park sitting at the picnic table and talking to each other. That had been why I didn't sit there.

I didn't like talking to people much.

Both of them were men, and while I didn't look closely at their features, I knew even from here that they were muscular and tall. Every instinct I had from RAD (Rape Aggression Defense) training and from self-defense was going off like sirens because these men were big, and if they wanted to, they could probably hurt you.

Then again, when you're only 5'4 and 140 pounds, a lot of men were bigger than you and could probably hurt you if they wanted.

I watched closely as the two men did some sort of handshake and then one of them whistled for their chunky black lab to come. He leashed his dog and then they left.

Now it was just Luna and me and a brown and white mutt-mix dog with their owner...the second man.

Luna had been playing with both dogs for about an hour, and she continued playing with the brown and white dog. It WAS really cute to watch the two of them chase each other and play wrestle in the leaves. It made me happy that the two guys hadn't cared if their dogs were playing with a pitbull.

But...as I watched the second man send me a friendly wave and get up from his seat, I knew I had made an error. I should have left a while ago.

Time to go.

I whistled for Luna, and the second the sound left my lips, she came to attention and ran for me.

Unfortunately, the brown and white dog thought she was still playing and followed her to me.

"Luna, sit," I told her as I lifted myself from my seated position to rest on one knee. I pulled her service dog vest and harness from my backpack and started to put her back into it.

The brown and white dog sniffed at Luna and me, and I reached out for him to smell my hand and laughed as he forced my hand over the top of his head. I gave him a few pets, watching out of the corner of my eye as his owner started coming toward us from across the park.

"Sorry, bud," I whispered to the brown and white dog. "I have to take Luna home."

I attached Luna's leash to her harness and wrapped my hand through the loop a few times. The brown and white dog sat in front of me and sniffed at my face, not letting me stand up.

"Dodger!" the second man yelled. "Dodger stop it. We gotta go, buddy."

The man was 10 feet from me when I realized 3 things:

1- This man was very tall...probably 6'0 which was a lot taller than me.  
2- This man was also more muscular than I thought, and I could literally see his biceps bulging in his jacket, making me instantly panic.  
And 3- This man...was Chris fucking Evans.

Luna sensed my panic and immediately went on high alert. She didn't growl or even bare her teeth, but she subtly put herself right between me and Chris Evans. Her tail stopped wagging, her ears perked up, and she just stared at him.

Chris was smart enough to notice the immediate change in her behavior and he stopped 5 feet away from me. "I'm sorry," he said. "I didn't mean to startle you. I just wanted to get Dodger to stop bugging you." I watched him turn his head toward Dodger. "Come on, bud," he said. But Dodger didn't move. "Dodger, come," he said in a more firm voice.

Dodger nuzzled my face with his nose and then looked at me for what felt like an hour before he turned and started slowly trudging back to Chris, all the while looking back at Luna and I with an almost sad look in his eyes.

Maybe he really loved Luna that much...or maybe he could hear how hard my heart was currently pounding in my chest.

Chris put Dodger on a leash, and Dodger immediately tried to drag him back to Luna and I. Chris got 2 feet closer, and I watched every hair stand on end on the back of Luna's neck.

I forced the panic back and took a few deep breaths as I reached over to gently stroke Luna's side. "Easy," I whispered. "Easy."

Chris watched the whole exchange closely, and then he did the smartest thing I think I had ever seen someone do when Luna was scaring the shit out of them. He sat himself on the ground and let go of Dodger's leash, letting his dog come back to Luna and I.

Luna immediately calmed down. No longer was he the big imposing male he had been when standing up. Plus, I had calmed down a lot too which helped a bit.

I didn't really believe that Chris Evans would hurt me...I was just suspicious of everyone.

"Hey, I'm Chris and that's Dodger."

Chris Evans was...extremely handsome. Even more so in person than I would have ever thought. He was wearing a pair of jeans, sneakers, and what looked like a v-neck t-shirt underneath his jacket. He also had a ball cap on, and he was currently sporting a beard.

I finally fully looked Chris in the eye, but still kept my hood up and sunglasses on. I smiled politely at him and then pet Dodger again since he seemed to want to sit next to me. Luna stood and moved herself from between Chris and I and sat at my other side. And that's how I knew she was fully calmed down.

"I'm Dee and this is Luna."

Chris smiled. "She is absolutely beautiful. I know she is working, but may I please pet her?" he asked, impressing me a little with his knowledge.

I unhooked her leash from her vest and she turned toward me. "Go ahead," I told her. "You're not working yet."

Luna looked at me for a long moment before licking my cheek and then trotted toward Chris. I watched him let her sniff his hand before he tried to pet her. And when he did finally pet her head, I literally watched her melt into a puddle.

She wagged her tail, stuck her tongue out, and then did her dopey smile as she panted happily and turned herself onto her back for stomach scratches.

Dodger was calm beside me as I gently pet him, and we both watched Chris melt over Luna and get flat on the ground to rub her tummy for her.

And that's how my dog fell absolutely head over heels in love with Chris Evans.


	2. Coffee and conversation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dee is surprised when Chris wants to sit with her at the dog park and has a peace offering.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, all! Hope you're liking this so far. The dogs are just too freaking cute. Dee experiences some anxiety and a panic attack in this chapter.
> 
> Please make note...(and I will warn you again) the next chapter will have some scenes of graphic nature in them. Rape and physical abuse. The rape is not described in extremely graphic detail, but it is there. I just want everyone to be forewarned.
> 
> I will be posting another chapter tomorrow and then one more on Monday just to give you all an idea of how this story is going to go...and then I will continue with posting it only once a week.

We repeated this same process for 2 more weekends. Each Saturday and Sunday, I would bring Luna to the dog park, and Chris would be there with Dodger.

I was very wary still, opting to mostly sit far away from Chris. I had tried sitting with him at the picnic table, but then other people started coming in and sitting with us, and I grew uncomfortable.

On the Sunday of the 3rd weekend, Chris surprised me again.

I knew the one guy that came with the lab was his friend because they often walked in together and even left together. His friend, I realized after seeing him a few times, was Sebastian Stan. I was a big enough Marvel fan to know they had grown close off-screen, but I hadn't been aware that they lived in the same city.

It was kind of nice...having your best friend live in the same city as you, and it made me long for the days where I had close friends.

But those days were long gone for me.

Which is why I was surprised when Chris opted to leave the picnic table and Sebastian to come over to the big weeping willow tree to sit with me.

It was mid-October now, and this was an unseasonably warm weekend, the high temps predicted to be in the 60s today. It was still early and about 50 degrees. I had spread a blanket out beneath me to protect me from the wet ground. I was once again wearing ripped jeans, this time in a dark blue wash, with a long sleeved, lightweight black shirt and my trusty Jack Skellington hoodie and combat boots.

I was feeling particularly vulnerable this weekend, so I had also added a pair of big sunglasses and a black beanie to my ensemble and still put my hood up.

Chris was wearing jeans, sneakers, and a blue flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up along with a blue shirt peeking out from underneath the flannel. He was wearing his ball cap, as always, but it was what was in his hands that surprised me.

He came forward carrying 2 cups of coffee, and stopped a few feet before me with one of those damned charming smiles of his. "Mind if I sit with you?"

I shrugged. "Sure." I moved over on the blanket to give him space, and also so I could subtly turn my body more toward him, not wanting to partially give him my back. I liked facing people so I could watch them...just in case. Call me paranoid.

He placed the coffees on the even ground and sat, and then picked up the cups again and handed me one. "Do you like coffee? I grabbed an extra one. I didn't know what you liked in it, but I put some half and half and sugar in there." I blinked at him, and noticed he blushed the tiniest bit. "I figured it was the least I could do since Dodger seems to love attacking you every weekend."

I had been on high alert, but something in me eased up and relaxed. My rule was never to take drinks from strangers but....it's Chris Evans and there were witnesses.

Forgive me for being overly cautious.

Cautious may as well be my middle name.

I slipped my hands out of my pockets, threading my thumbs through the loops in the bottom of the sleeves of my shirt and hoodie before I took the cup from him. "Um. Thanks. I actually love coffee." I lifted the lid and smelled the sweet aroma of what I'm sure was an expensive blend of coffee. He had guessed right on how light to make it. I put the lid back on and wrapped my hands more firmly around the warm styrofoam cup before pulling the tab back on the lid to take a sip. I sighed as the taste hit my tongue. It wasn't too hot, it wasn't too cold. It was just perfect.

I leaned more firmly against the tree and watched Luna play with Dodger and the chunky black lab I had learned was named Thor. I actually found that to be fucking hysterical.

"So, I know we haven't really talked much but are you new to the area? I don't remember seeing you here until a few weeks ago."

I looked over at Chris. "I just moved here in September from San Diego."

Chris took a sip of his coffee. "Did you move for work or something?"

I shrugged. "Or something. But sure...for work too."

"What do you do for work?"

I bit the inside of my lip, trying to decide how much to share. I didn't do this. I never talked to people, outside of my job, and even with my coworkers I was stingy on the details of my personal life. I didn't even know HOW to have conversations with normal people like a normal person.

And Chris...wasn't a normal person.

Neither was I.

"I work in the public library system as a children's librarian." Chris blinked at me in shock. I raised an eyebrow at him. "What? I don't look like I could be a children's librarian?" Now I was teasing him a little. I knew how I dressed. I know how my outward appearance was perceived.

His eyes widened, his body turning toward mine a little as he held a hand up, afraid he'd offended me. "No! No, I didn't mean-" I chuckled a little as he blushed. "You're pulling my leg aren't you?"

"Maybe a little," I said.

He laughed and adjusted his ball cap. "I just meant that I go to the library a lot with my niece and nephew and I've never seen you."

"Do you bring your niece and nephew for story time?"

"Well, I go with my sister sometimes, but I tend to look for books while the kids are doing their thing."

"Well, I'm in charge of the story time program. I don't really go out into the bigger part of the library. The children's area is my home and my domain. Luna even comes with me and she gets to lay there and have the kids read to her."

"No shit? You know...it's been awhile since I went with them, but now that you're saying it, they have been talking about Miss Dee and her big gray puppy a lot."

I smiled softly as I watched my big gray puppy tackle Dodger and Thor to the ground. She was on the bigger side for a pit bull. She was about 60 pounds and the top of her head came up to almost the top of my thigh. She was built like a bodybuilder, all sleek muscle and not an ounce of fat on her. Her gray coat shined beautifully in the sunlight, and I laughed as she bounced on her front paws, wiggling her butt high into the air as her thin tail stood straight up.

She bounced around the 2 boys, her tongue hanging happily out of her mouth as she playfully growled at them.

"She is a great dog," Chris said.

"She is. I feel bad because most people see a pit-bull and immediately panic. Once they get past that, then they see her service dog vest and judge more."

"Pit-bulls are the best dogs. I think Dodger may have some pit in him, but not sure. Why do they judge the fact that she's a service dog?"

"Because I don't look sick enough to need one. I must just be doing this as an excuse to not leave my dog at home. I don't really need to bring her everywhere. How can a vicious dog be around little kids?" I took some more sips of my coffee. "Little do people know that if it weren't for that dog, I would not even be alive. Little do people know that the only reason I get out of bed every single day is because of that dog." Chris looked at me as I spoke, but he didn't interrupt. "I have nothing else to live for. But I have her. She has been through hell and back with me, and she never once left my side. When I realized she had a gift, I put her through intensive training classes to become my service dog, and I got her certified as a therapy dog too."

Shit. I was sharing way too much. This is what happens when I don't have any normal human interaction outside of work. The first person who talks to me makes me have fucking word vomit.

"I put Dodger through therapy dog classes. We like to visit children's hospitals. For the children that are well enough to be around dogs, they get a very special visit."

"Let me guess. You even go dressed as Captain America." He looked surprised. "Come on, I'm not idiotic. I knew who you were when we met. Plus, Captain America is my favorite."

He laughed and sipped his coffee again. "Yeah. Sometimes I go dressed up, but that tends to bring a lot of attention. That's better to do for a big group, but with one-on-one, I don't dress up. He's great with the kids. And they love him."

I watched Dodger playfully grab the scruff of Luna's neck and wrestle with her. "He is a great dog."

"He normally listens to me very well. I'm not sure what it is about you that cancels out his ability to listen to me. It's like when he is by you, he doesn't want to leave you."

I sipped my coffee and nodded. "I promise I'm not doing anything to make him not listen."

"No, I know. I'm not mad. Just observant. He's normally jumping all over new people unless he knows he is working. But he never even jumped on you. He's calm in a way I've never seen him with anyone else."

As if to prove his point, Dodger came trudging over to us then. He nuzzled Chris's face but then turned his head toward me. I looked into those big brown eyes and melted. Dodger pushed my outstretched feet apart with his nose and sat between my legs, looking me in the face. I grasped his head in my hands and gently stroked his ears, smiling as his eyes closed and he let out a little huff of pleasure. He leaned forward, leaned his head on my chest and stuck his nose up to kiss me gently. I kissed the top of his head and hugged his body to me for a moment before he wiggled around to get out of my arms. He turned his back to me, but laid himself down between my legs. When he realized I wasn't petting him, he turned his head toward me and huffed.

"Oh, alright, Mr. Spoiled," I muttered before leaning the upper half of my body toward him to stroke my hands up and down his back. I looked over to see Chris watching the entire exchange with a small smile on his face.

Luna walked over to us then, panting slightly. She nudged her head against the brim of Chris's hat, making it fall off his head as she kissed him. Chris laughed and pet her, and then Luna came to me and nudged my backpack.

"Thirsty?" I asked her, and she sneezed at me. I laughed and opened my bag, getting out the bowl I had for her and the big bottle of water. I poured some in for her and she drank it noisily and sloppily before plopping herself between Chris and me on the blanket.

Dodger looked back at me with the saddest eyes.

I laughed. "Aw, bud. You want some water too?" I asked him, pulling the bowl over for him to lap at happily from his spot between my legs.

Luna sighed and rested her head on my thigh with her butt and wiggly tail against Chris's leg.

I poured more water into the bowl for Dodger and then sat back against the tree with a hand on each dog, slowly stroking them both.

Thankfully, Chris seemed content enough to stay quiet and settled himself against the tree beside me. His shoulder touched mine, and I fought every instinct in me not to move away. It was just his shoulder. It was just his shoulder...

After a few minutes, Thor, Sebastian's dog, got bored of chewing on sticks by himself and he searched for his friends. When he found them, he bounded over to us and stole a drink from the water at my feet.

Thor sniffed at his friends, and when he realized they were sleepy and not going to play right now, he huffed and walked over to Chris to get pets and then made his way over to me.

I laughed as Thor nudged my hand away from Dodger and bulldozed his way beneath my armpit so I would hug his body. His white-speckled face tipped up against mine, making me laugh as my hood fell back off my head.

"Oh my god. Okay, you big goof," I muttered beneath my breath as I started rubbing his chest and beneath his chin.

"Thor! That's so rude," I heard Sebastian yell from the picnic table before he got up and started jogging over to us.

Luna's ears perked up, and she immediately sat up to full attention. A low growl left her mouth, and I watched the hackles on the back of Dodger's neck raise up before he too sat up and actually growled at Seb's approaching form.

Thor, the big goof that he was, just sat against me with his tongue lolling out of his mouth.

Seb stopped about 10 feet from us when he heard Luna and Dodger growl.

He furrowed his eyebrows. "Dodger, really dude? You know me."

"I'm sorry," I said, feeling stupid because I knew it was my fault. I stroked Luna's head. "Easy. Easy. It's okay," I told her softly. She kept surveying Seb, but then the tension left her body and she went over to sniff him for a moment before coming back to me. Dodger flopped back down to his belly and wagged his tail at Seb.

"Okay, that was weird even for your dog, dude," Seb said to Chris. "Why the hell would he growl at me of all people?"

"I think he's just protective of Dee. He seemed to pick up on Luna's reaction," Chris told him.

"I'm sorry. It's my fault," I said quietly, feeling tears stupidly come to my eyes. "She um...she doesn't like when strange males run toward me or approach me. She's good when she's working, but unfortunately, she picks up on my anxiety and stress level sometimes." And now I've said way more than was necessary.

Seb gave me a strange look, as if trying to figure out why the hell he would cause my anxiety level to rise.

Time to go.

I swallowed hard at the feeling burning in the back of my throat brought on from the tears I was trying so hard not to shed. I bit my lip very hard and pulled my hood back up over my head as I started to get to my knees.

I grabbed my backpack and kept my back against the tree as Thor went back to Seb and Dodger sat up.

Chris stood up from the blanket and folded it for me while I put Luna in her vest, harness, and leash. I patted Dodger's head and nudged him toward Chris. He gave me the saddest look ever, like his little doggy heart was broken, but went back to his owner.

I packed everything up in my backpack and stood to my full height, feeling panic start to rise in my chest for some stupid reason. Luna stuck to my side like glue as I waved goodbye to Chris and took my empty coffee cup with me.

I passed by Seb with about 10 feet between us.

"Hey, wait, I'm sorry. I'm an ass. Don't go," Seb said, and then next thing I knew, he was gently grabbing my elbow. It normally would have been a harmless gesture.

Normally.

My entire body tensed and fear spiked through me in a way I couldn't describe. Luna barked loudly and snapped her teeth just inches from his arm, warning him to let go.

Seb let me go, and Luna put herself in front of me, daring him to try again. A glance around the park told me that, thankfully, no one else had seen the exchange. I could hear Dodger crying pitifully behind us.

"I'm sorry," I said to Seb, tears streaming down my face now. And then we left.

I threw the empty cup out at the entrance to the park and shut the gate behind us as we left.

I heard Chris say, "Damnit, Seb, you fucking asshole."

I nearly ran the 4 blocks home, trying my best not to fall apart until we could get back to the house. I only choked out one sob on the way, and when I saw our little house, I full on sprinted with Luna.

My hands were shaking so hard I could barely unlock my door, but once we got in and locked up, Luna didn't even let me get her vest off before she was pulling on my sleeve with her teeth.

I fell to the floor with my back against the door and let the full blown panic attack take over. Luna sat between my legs, and I wrapped my arms around her body, sobbing against her neck.

She whined and rubbed her head against mine, comforting me in her own way.

It was what felt like hours until the panic attack faded and left with it feelings of embarrassment, loneliness, and sadness.

I hated my life.

And I hated James for making me like this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did you guys think? Comments please!


	3. Baby steps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dee relives the night she escaped and it really messes with her. After calling out of work, she encounters Chris at the dog park yet again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Guys seriously...please read this. The beginning part of this (the part in italics) is a nightmare that includes rape and physical violence. Rape is not described in graphic detail, but it is very much implied. PLEASE...DO NOT READ IT IF YOU WILL BE TRIGGERED. I do not want to upset anyone! If you don't feel like you can handle it, just skip until you don't see anymore italicized words.
> 
> The rest of this chapter is emotional too. I wasn't kidding when I said this was not going to be an easy ride.
> 
> Also...as another side note...I wrote this story over a year ago. It's been lingering and I haven't finished it, but wanted to start posting...please know that when I first wrote this, nothing was happening with the police like it is now so I'm sorry if that also upsets anyone. It's not my intention.

_"James, please," I begged, sobs escaping my body. I tried to pull my arm out of his bruising grip, but his hand just tightened more, making me cry out._

_I watched in the mirror by the door as his face got red with exertion._

_It hadn't been the first time he raped me._

_I hung my head and sobbed, and he pushed my back down so that my chest and stomach were pushing against the counter._

_"Shut up," he hissed through gritted teeth, squeezing my arm so hard I heard it snap._

_I screamed, knowing my arm was broken, and I could hear Luna howling outside the glass door in the backyard. I could hear her nails scratching on the glass._

_"I'm going to fucking kill that dog," James snarled in my ear. "As soon as I finish with you, that dog is dead."_

_"No!" I screamed. "Leave her alone!"_

_He had never threatened to hurt Luna until today. He didn't like her, and he never paid her any attention...until now._

_He laughed evilly. "You know I don't like it when you tell me what to do. I'll fucking kill your dog. Right in front of you. What are you going to do about it?"_

_Something came over me. Something I couldn't even describe when asked later by a psychiatrist what had happened._

_Rage filled me. Rage like I had never felt before._

_James was much bigger than me. He was 6'6 and almost 300 pounds of pure muscle._

_But somehow I managed to rip my broken arm from his grip. He was bent over me, which is where he made a mistake. I threw my head back against his, and heard his nose crack. He shrieked and pulled away from me, backing up._

_"You bitch! You fucking bitch! You broke my nose!" Blood was nearly spraying from his nose, and he turned toward the linen closet to grab a towel._

_I reacted without thinking. I took a vase off the counter and smashed it against the back of his head. He staggered, but didn't go down and whirled toward me, trying to grab me._

_Thankfully, he had broken my left arm, so I put everything I had into punching him right in the face with my right. I had never punched anyone before, and wasn't prepared for how much it actually fucking hurt. However, he fell to the ground like a ton of bricks, smacking his head on the floor hard._

_I froze in my spot, eyes wide as I tried to determine if a) he was really incapacitated or b) if I had accidentally killed him._

_After a moment of him not moving, I ran. I ran for my room, put on sweatpants and a hoodie, grabbed my phone, purse and keys, and bolted._

_He was still out cold on the floor as I ran out of the house. I ran to the backyard and grabbed the leash I left on the side gate and got Luna. I ignored the throbbing pain in my left arm and right hand as we got in the car and sped off into the night._

***

I woke up from the dream gasping for air and filled with panic. My heart was pounding with fear, and for a second, I couldn't remember where I was.

Luna jumped onto the bed and into my lap then, resting her head against my chest and looking up at me. I hugged her to me and cried softly, and thankfully, the small panic attack quickly subsided. But I did keep crying.

I cried for all the years I spent with James and let him hurt me. I cried for all the times I made excuse after excuse not to leave him. I cried for the family he purposely secluded me from. I cried for the friends who left my side because he made me unlovable.

I kept crying because James had taken everything from me. Everything. Even my ability to have children because of the repeated trauma to my body. I cried for all of the times people didn't believe me when I said what he was doing to me...because he was a cop and why would a cop do that to his wife?

I cried for hours while holding Luna until my exhausted body gave up and fell asleep.

***

I felt like complete shit the next morning when I woke up. I had probably only gotten about 3 hours total of sleep. I knew that I couldn't go to work like this.

I called out and was thankful that they understood. I explained that I would get a doctor's note for them even though they insisted it wasn't necessary.

It took a long time before I was able to get myself out of bed and ready. I called my psychiatrist's office and asked to schedule an emergency appointment for the day. Thankfully, they had an opening in an hour.

***

An hour later, I was sitting in a comfortable chair in Dr. Ackerman's office with Luna laying at my feet.

Dr. Ackerman was a kind woman in her 40s. I had been seeing her twice a week since I moved here, and she had gotten all of my files from my previous doctors in San Diego.

I told her all about the incident in the park and the nightmares. She prescribed me a pill to help me sleep a little better without dreaming, and also some valium for times where the panic attacks were really bad. She adjusted some of my medicine dosages a little as well and wrote me a note for work.

"Delilah," Dr. Ackerman said as she put her clipboard down. "I want to level with you for a minute. I shouldn't since I'm your doctor, so it's perfectly acceptable if you tell me to 'F' off, but I think you need to hear this." I nodded at her. "I'm worried about you. I know you're not suicidal and don't self-harm. You don't have an eating disorder. You generally get up and go to work like a normal person. You go to self defense and take kick boxing. But...you don't have anyone to talk to." She stopped me from interrupting her. "I don't count. Luna doesn't count. You need a friend. You need to start living your life again. It's been 3 years since you got out."

"I'm afraid to trust people. I'm afraid to tell people what I went through. And I can't even think about dating."

"I'm not telling you to date. I'm telling you to find a friend." She stared at me. "What about this Chris from the dog park? He sounds like a nice person...or at least he has a nice dog."

I sighed, knowing she was right. "I guess I'm just afraid that...if I let someone in, and James...finds me..."

"You're afraid that having friends would put other people in danger or they'd abandon you like your other friends because of what James did to seclude you from everyone." I nodded. "Has he contacted you...at all in the last year?"

I shook my head. After I left James, I had had a long uphill battle with the court systems. It took almost 2 years for me to get a restraining order against him, and in those 2 years he had found me 5 times. He didn't hurt me, thankfully, but it was a reminder that he would always find me.

When I was finally granted a restraining order after he was caught by other police officers stalking my apartment building, I felt like I had freedom. I moved far from our hometown in Oregon to San Diego, but even that hadn't felt far enough away. That's when I started looking for a job across the country, and finally landed in Boston.

It had been a year since I had seen him or heard from him, and now I was slowly healing myself.

She was right. I needed to start living.

***

After my appointment, I went to the pharmacy to fill all of my scripts, and then I decided to take Luna to the dog park.

I actually went home first to pack up my backpack of supplies for the park. I decided to even pack a light lunch today. It was chilly, but the sun was shining bright outside and it was beautiful.

I dressed in a pair of dark wash jeans that didn't have any rips in them. Yes...I did own regular clothes too. I just sometimes preferred to hide behind a tough outward appearance. I also put on a purple thermal shirt with holes in the bottoms of the sleeves for my thumbs and a purple plaid flannel shirt over top of it. I put on my lightweight fitted black jacket over that and put on a pair of black Nike sneakers.

I grabbed 2 blankets, a book, some water, and made sure to put a hat and gloves in my bag too. I switched out my contacts for my black framed glasses and took a look at myself in the mirror.

My hair was growing out a little bit more than I liked so I knew I was due for a trim. I had shaved nearly my whole head, leaving just the top layer of hair on top long...well the length was down to my chin. Think Natalie Dormer's hair, except I had a shorter length. My hair was naturally curly, so I just let it go and put product in to make it less frizzy. The rest of my head that was shaved I still kept a little length on. I didn't like it shaved all the way down. I also dyed the long hair a deep burgundy color while the shaved part, I kept my natural medium tone brown color.

When I was satisfied with how I looked and what I had packed, I grabbed my phone and keys and attached Luna back to her leash.

"Let's go," I told her. "Park time."

Her ears perked up at the word 'park', and I laughed as she danced happily on her paws for a minute.

We got there with no issues, and since it was the middle of the day on a Monday, there weren't many other people around.

I didn't see Chris or Seb, so I set up my normal spot by my favorite tree after I let Luna out of her gear so she could play.

I sat on the one blanket and tucked the second blanket over my legs. I took out my book and started reading as Luna ran around with a familiar golden retriever we had seen here before.

After about 15 or so minutes, I heard Luna whine and looked up to see her happily bouncing on her feet as Chris and Dodger came through the gate. Chris laughed as Luna ran up to them, and he got down on one knee to pet her and kiss her face.

He produced a giant rope toy from his backpack and threw it for Dodger and Luna to go play with.

Chris waved at me and started walking over. I watched his face react to seeing my hair and face fully for the first time, since I had always hid behind hoods, hats and sunglasses, but I couldn't decipher whatever emotion went through his eyes. He smiled at me and joined me on the blanket.

"Hey," he said as he took out 2 travel mugs from the netting on the side of his backpack and held one out to me. "It's coffee."

I raised an eyebrow at him and put my bookmark into my book before shutting it. "How did you know I'd be here? It's a Monday."

Chris blushed a little. "Well, I uh didn't want to freak you out, but you kinda live right next door to me. I knew I had a new neighbor, but didn't realize it was you until last weekend. I was just coming home when you left before, and since you had your backpack, I took a wild guess and figured you'd be coming here."

I narrowed my eyes at him a little. "Why didn't you tell me we were neighbors? How have I never noticed you before?"

He shrugged sort of sheepishly as I took the coffee mug from his hand. "I didn't want to freak you out. You seem pretty private, and I'm usually not home much. I'm at my family's place a lot which is probably why we never crossed paths outside."

"Well, thanks for the coffee. I really need it today." I took a sip and sighed. "I called out of work."

"I kind of gathered that."

"I just...didn't get any sleep. I'm not sick, but didn't feel fit to be around tiny humans today, and I didn't have it in me to pretend to be happy."

He took his hat off and looked over at me. "It must not be easy working around kids when you have to pretend to be happy."

I glanced at him. "It's not. But I love my job, and I love the kids. They love Luna, and she loves them. I have to work...I can't just not do anything. So I work and I pretend to be happy. It's only at first. Usually, by the end of the day I feel happier. But then I get home and realize my reality..." I stopped. "I have no idea why I'm telling you all this."

"Dee, you can tell me anything you want, and I'll keep sitting right here listening to you for as long as you want."

I did something I didn't normally do. I turned my body toward him, leaving my back open and vulnerable since I was no longer sitting against the tree. I crossed my legs beneath me and sipped the coffee. "Why?" I asked him.

He was surprised I had moved so close to him, but then he turned his head toward me. "Why what?"

"Why do you keep sitting with me? Why do you keep bringing me coffee? Why are you being nice to me? I thought after yesterday..."

"Seb is an idiot. He didn't realize how protective Luna was, and he felt bad about making you uncomfortable enough to leave."

"I feel bad that Luna snapped at him. She just..."

"Is really protective of you."

I raised an eyebrow at him. "Okay so...why the coffee?"

He chuckled. "Dee, I'm being friendly. I'm being nice. Dodger really loves Luna, and he loves you even more. I thought you and I could be friends since our dogs get along so well."

"Friends..." I trailed off.

"Do you know anyone here in Boston besides your coworkers?" I shook my head. "Have any family close by?" I shook my head again. "Then...let's be friends. Now you know someone outside of work."

I nodded and moved so that my back was resting against the tree again. I let myself sit close to him still, letting our shoulders touch. "My psychiatrist did just tell me to make some friends," I muttered before I could stop myself.

"Well, your psychiatrist is right," Chris said to me.

"I don't know how to be friends."

"Just be yourself."

"I'm not sure I know how." I sighed. "Look, if we're going to be friends, I guess I should tell you some things about me. I wouldn't normally tell this to someone I know so little about, but you need to know."

"You don't have to tell me anything you're not ready to. I recognize the fact that you probably suffer from depression and anxiety. I suffer from both myself." I blinked at him. "Being rich and famous isn't a walk in the park," he explained.

"I have PTSD. I also suffer from panic attacks. I um...look. My past isn't pretty. It's why I need Luna as a service dog. It's why I trust no one. I don't know how to make friends because I don't HAVE friends, and I have no family."

"Correction. You have one friend."

I smiled a little. "Okay. Fine. One friend. And my one friend needs to hear this. I am a broken person. I'm convinced I'm unloveable, and I'm convinced I'm incapable of ever trusting anyone...ever. Please be patient with me."

"Why would you ever think that you're unlovable?"

I stared off toward where Dodger and Luna were playing tug of war over a stick. "Because I was made to believe it. I said I had PTSD, I wasn't kidding." I sighed. "Look, this is way too soon into our new friendship to tell you any of this, but honestly, it's something you'd find out anyway if you decided to do an extensive google search on me." I took a sip of my coffee. "I got married at 21 while I was still in college. I spent 10 years with him. We graduated together, he became a police officer, and I kept going to school to get my Master's in Library Science. I worked as a secretary during the day to help with bills. I didn't start...noticing the signs until he became a cop. But when I look back on it, there were so many red flags, even before then. I don't want to get into every detail right now, but he hurt me. He purposely moved us far away so I would be isolated from all of my friends and family, and he made me feel worthless. He hurt me...a lot. But then I got Luna...she was my dog. I paid for her. I took care of her. He mostly ignored her, but then when he threatened to hurt her...I knew I had to get out. I got out, but proving a local hero and police officer to be abusing his wife was...not easy. I couldn't get a restraining order. He continued to make my life hell." I wiped a tear off my cheek.

Chris reached over and gently grabbed my hand. "Hey, you don't have to do this."

"Yes, I do." I gripped his hand and took a deep breath. "I finally won. I finally got the restraining order and the divorce a year ago, and then moved from Oregon to San Diego. But it didn't feel far enough. So I came here. I've spent the last few years seeing psychiatrists. I take medication to help...and Luna helps phenomenally. But my problem is that I'm still healing...and I don't know how to live my life."

"Baby steps."

"What?"

He squeezed my hand so I'd look him in the eye. "You take baby steps. You start doing things that made you happy...even if they were things you loved before...him. You start going out...somewhere that's not work."

"I go to self defense. I take kickboxing."

He shook his head. "No. I mean out for pizza. To the mall. To the movies. And do some things for YOU. When was the last time you did something for you?"

I smiled at him. "I like getting my hair done. I chopped it all off as soon as I left him."

"Good. What else?"

"I got a tattoo when I moved to San Diego." I unbuttoned the first 3 buttons of my flannel and pulled it and the thermal shirt down away from my collar bone. It was of a dandelion that had petals blowing off, but the petals were birds flying up into the air. The birds went across my collarbone and up to the top of my shoulder. Beneath the birds were the words 'Still I rise' in elegant cursive.

"That's really beautiful. What else?"

"I got my ears pierced a bunch when I moved here."

He grinned. "So...you like piercings and tattoos?" I nodded. "Keep getting them. If it makes you happy, keep doing it."

"I want to get my nose pierced."

"Your job doesn't care?"

"It's a very...relaxed place. Have you never looked at any of the staff members when you were there?"

"I'm usually trying to blend in without being noticed so...no."

"One girl has bright pink hair in a spiked up mohawk."

He looked shocked. "Are you...?" I laughed. "Wow. You're pulling my leg again."

"I couldn't help myself."

He shook his head and laughed. "What else do you like to do?"

"I do like to watch movies. I like to read. I love music. I do love shopping but...it's been awhile since I really went. I usually just order what I need online and get it delivered. I used to love going out to eat before...before I met him."

"What's your favorite food?"

"Chinese food has always been my favorite."

"When was the last time you ate it?"

I thought about that. "Well, I guess when I was married. But...I wasn't allowed to choose what I ate."

I watched Chris clench his jaw in anger for a moment before he abruptly stood up. "Okay. Time to start living." He held out his hand to me to help me up.

"What? Right now?" I let him pull me to my feet.

"Yes. Right now. It's as good of a time as any isn't it?"

He had a point.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well...thoughts? Comments? Kudos?
> 
> Anything...??


	4. Living a little

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chris and Dee start forming a friendship, and he slowly starts to show her how to start living her life again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys! I know I spoiled you the last few days with chapters...but I wanted to give you guys a feel for it. I am only going to be posting once a week from here on out just FYI. I hope you're all liking it so far!
> 
> This chapter has some feels in it, but some cuteness too. I really love Chris in this one! (I mean...I ALWAYS love Chris...but...yeah lol)

We packed up our stuff and got the dogs leashed before walking back to our houses.

"Do you want to come to mine or do you want me to come to yours?" Chris asked when we got to my house.

I bit my lip. "Would you mind coming to mine?"

He shook his head. "That's fine. Let me just go put my stuff in the house and I'll be right over."

I nodded and we went our separate ways. I unlocked my house and got Luna situated before I looked around.

My house was a small and a rental so I hadn't really decorated it the way I had really wanted to. The landlord told me I could change whatever I wanted...but I had left the walls white and bare.

At least it was clean. One thing about not being social at all is I had loads of time to clean.

I slipped my shoes off and unpacked everything from my bag and put it away. I hung up my coat and had just enough time to take off my flannel and hang it back up in my closet before the doorbell rang.

Luna barked and waited by the door, but I could tell by her body language that she knew it was Chris and Dodger. I let them in and Luna greeted Chris while Dodger went right for me. Chris shut the door and I kissed Dodger's snout.

"I'm ordering us Chinese food," Chris said, pulling a piece of paper out of his pocket as he slid his shoes off. I took his jacket and hung it on the coat rack.

"Okay," I said. I didn't normally order take out...but he was right. Time to start living a little.

When Chris realized I couldn't really decide what to eat, he ordered nearly one of everything off the menu.

"Are you insane?" I asked with a laugh. "We'll never be able to eat all that."

"Well, it's definitely enough for lunch and dinner."

"And dinner?" I asked, my eyebrows raised.

"Friends hang out all day sometimes. Now...while we wait for the food to get here...let's pick out a movie to watch."

I bit my lip and led him to my living room. This room had already come with bookshelves lining the walls and a big TV unit that had lots of shelving. I was thrilled because the one thing I did have a lot of...was books and DVDs.

"Whoa," he said, scratching Luna and Dodger's heads as they followed us in. They went directly for Luna's box of toys and started playing with her lamb chop squeaky toy. Chris ran his hands over the books almost longingly. "You do like to read," he said.

"I do. Reading...always helped me escape. Even if just for a little while."

"What's your favorite?"

In an unusually bold move, I grabbed his arm and led him to a smaller shelving unit by Luna's dog bed. This shelving unit...was strictly for my Harry Potter books.

"Harry Potter is your favorite?" he asked, crouching down to look at all the different copies I had.

"Ever since I was a kid. James, my ex, always thought it was stupid. When he moved us to Oregon from Ohio, he made me get rid of all of my books." I swallowed hard. "But I used to borrow ebooks from the library where I worked in Oregon and downloaded them to my phone. We worked opposite shifts for a while, so I would read when he was working. But when he switched shifts..." I put a hand to my chest. "I had no time to myself."

Chris gently put a hand on my shoulder. "So you've bought all of these since you left him?" I nodded. "Dee, I think you don't give yourself enough credit. You've been living...just in your own way. The books, the hair, the tattoo, the piercings...you've taken some baby steps and didn't even realize it."

I was about to say something when the doorbell rang, making me panic.

"It's the food," he reassured me as Luna growled. "I'll go get it," he told me softly.

I grabbed hold of Luna and Dodger so Chris could go to the door. I heard him talking in a soft voice, and then heard the rustling of bags being set down in the entryway. A minute later, I heard the door shut and get locked, and I let the dogs go. I went out to help Chris with all the bags and laughed at the amount of food. "The delivery person must have thought you were nuts."

"He definitely did," Chris said with a laugh, and we began setting out all of the food on the counters in my kitchen.

***

Hours later, Chris and I were sitting on my couch together watching the Netflix series 'The Witcher'.

"I can't believe you've never watched this," I said to him as we started the 3rd episode.

"I miss a lot of good stuff because of work. But I'm trying to catch up. The even sadder thing is that I'm even friends with Henry."

"Really? He's...cute."

Chris leaned his head back on the couch and laughed loudly. "Am I supposed to comment on that?"

"Well, I mean he IS. But he looks like a huge dude. I stay away from big guys."

"I'm a pretty big guy."

I looked over at him from where I sat on the opposite side of the couch with my legs curled beneath me. "Yeah, but...it's you. You're...a giant puppy dog." I laughed at the look on his face. "Shut up. It's a compliment." He looked over at me and met my eyes then. "You did scare me at first. All big men do."

"James...is big?"

I nodded. "Almost 6'7 and almost 300 pounds of pure solid muscle." I laughed, but it was humorless. "And me at 5'4, 140 pounds...actually no that's a lie. Because he convinced me I was fat." Chris made a choking noise, and I watched him make a fist. I clutched my hands to my chest and looked away from Chris. "I dropped to 110 while I was married to him. He wouldn't let me eat what I wanted to eat. Every single part of my life was controlled by him." Luna came walking over to me, sensing my unease. She jumped onto the couch and rested her head in my lap. Dodger tried to do the same, but there wasn't enough room on my other side. I moved closer to the middle cushion and closer to Chris. Luna shifted so that she was touching her butt against Chris's leg with the upper half of her body resting on my lap. Dodger jumped to my other side and mirrored Luna, even resting his head on top of hers and against my chest.

I placed both of my hands on them and started petting them. I looked over at Chris and saw that he was looking at me. "I'm sorry. I keep talking about myself... Shouldn't friends both talk about their lives?" I asked.

He shrugged. "I can if you want, but if it helps you to talk about it, I'd rather let you talk."

I smiled. "I think that you might turn out to be a very good friend."

He laughed. "That's good because I plan on getting you out and about to do things that you like to do."

I smiled and relaxed again as we continued watching the show together.

***

It was Halloween, and I was avoiding Chris's texts.

He hadn't done anything wrong, but he had been asking me for the past few days if I wanted to go to a Halloween party with him.

The thought of being around that many other people was terrifying. And the fact that they were dressed in costumes? Even worse.

Chris and I had spent the past week or so hanging out a lot. He would come by after I got home from work (or the gym or doctor), and we would order food from different places. He would bring Dodger with him too. We kept watching shows that I thought he would like that he hadn't seen. We'd finished The Witcher, and we'd moved on to Stranger Things. We were almost done with that one though, so next we would be trying Game of Thrones.

He'd really missed out on some of the big ones.

But I didn't know how to tell him I wasn't ready for a party. I felt bad, but I just knew that my anxiety couldn't handle it yet.

When I came home from work, I got dressed in a cute witch costume and dressed Luna up as a dinosaur so we could greet the kids Trick or Treating in the neighborhood in style. It started at 5, but I was surprised when the doorbell rang a little early.

I opened the door to find...Captain America on my porch. Chris was in his full costume, and Dodger was dressed as a little mini version of Cap, making me laugh. "Hey."

"Hey yourself. You've been avoiding my texts." I sighed and was about to talk, but Chris stopped me by putting a hand on my shoulder. "I'm an idiot. I realized after you didn't answer the fourth text that you're not ready for a party yet. Look, I get it. I'm never going to push you into doing something you're not comfortable doing. We're friends...which means you get to tell me no whenever you want, and I promise to never be upset or mad."

I smiled and hugged him, surprising both of us. He didn't do anything for a moment, but then his arms very slowly wrapped around me and hugged me back. I thought I would feel panicked at a man touching me like this, but the panic never came.

The truth was...Chris made me feel...safe. And he really made me feel like my old self again.

I pulled back from him and shut the door. "So what are you doing here then?"

"I'm gunna hand out candy with you," he said, that dimpled smile taking over his face. "I brought extra candy." He shook the bag at me. "I also brought you something."

"What is it?"

"Well, I remember you said that you loved pretzels. You also said you love chocolate and peanut butter...so I brought you the best of all 3 worlds." He showed me a bag of candy called 'Reese's Take 5'. He opened it and handed me a piece.

I opened the package and took a bite, nearly moaning at the taste. "Oh wow, this is good."

Chris smirked and set the bag down on my kitchen counter. "See? Knew you'd love it."

"Thanks," I said, and then the first Trick or Treater rang the bell.

***

Another few weeks went by, and now it was the week before Thanksgiving.

I always hated the holidays, especially since moving away from my family. James usually always had to work, and then I would have to spend them alone.

And since I left. It had been no different. I usually went to the store a few days before Thanksgiving and would buy myself a turkey pot pie so I could sort of feel like I was celebrating the holiday a little.

I hadn't had a proper Thanksgiving meal since college.

A fact that shocked Chris so much his jaw had dropped.

It was the Sunday before Thanksgiving and we were freezing our asses off at the dog park so Luna and Dodger could play with Thor.

We were sitting at the picnic table with Sebastian sitting across from us. Chris had officially introduced us a few weeks ago, and now it was our weekend tradition to all meet here.

I wasn't even freaked out about sitting at the picnic table. I was too cold to freak out.

"You haven't had a Thanksgiving dinner in...."

"12 years."

Seb and Chris both gaped at me.

"I thought we were bad with missing out on a few with our filming schedules," Seb said.

I sighed. "Well, it's not like I have anywhere I can go. The past few years since I've been on my own I just...eat a turkey pot pie. I even buy one of those little tiny packaged cherry pies."

"Well, you have somewhere to go this year," Chris said.

"I do?"

He rolled his eyes. "Of course you do. You can come home with me...if you want to."

Seb smiled. "The Evans' put on a great Thanksgiving dinner. I'm going this year, and I can't wait."

"But...won't your mom mind you bringing another mouth to feed?"

Chris gave me a look. "My mom will love it. The more the merrier."

I looked deep into the blue eyes, noticing the pleading look he was giving me. I sighed. "Do you really want me to come?"

"Of course. You can even bring Luna. I bring Dodger. They'll have a blast with the kids."

I bit my lip. "Will there be a lot of people?"

He squeezed my knee beneath the table quickly. "My parents, my 3 siblings, my sisters' husbands, my brother's boyfriend, the two kids, Seb, and us. I promise that's it."

I sighed. Live a little....live a little.... "Okay."

He bumped his shoulder against mine. "Really?"

The grin on his face was contagious, and I felt myself smile wide back at him. "Living a little." I shivered and shoved my hands into my pockets.

Chris slid closer to me on the bench until we were touching. He was so warm. I could feel the heat radiating off him. I couldn't help myself. I leaned against him, threading my arms around his left arm.

"Baby steps," he said quietly, looking right into my eyes.

"One step at a time," I whispered back.

Both of us missed the shit-eating grin on Sebastian's face as he watched the two of us.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Comments? Kudos?


	5. Thanksgiving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chris helps Dee through her nerves about Thanksgiving dinner with his family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, all! I really appreciate the amazing response to this story so far! I really was feeling so unsure about it...but now I can see I was mistaken. I'm glad you all love it and I hope you continue to love it!
> 
> I just wanted to remind you...although I have some real people mixed in here...this is fiction. I changed some stuff about Chris's family, but again...this is just fiction.
> 
> Anyways...enjoy!

Thanksgiving Day came up very fast. And I was nervous as hell.

Chris had told me his mom said not to bring anything, but I didn't listen. I decided to make cornbread, a recipe that I had kept from my mom from years ago. It was a recipe that included fresh corn and creamed corn in it with a thin glaze of honey over the top.

I had put it in the oven and quickly showered. I put lotion on and put on a robe so I could eat and take my medicine. The cornbread still had 10 minutes left, so I moved back to my room to stress over what to wear.

The timer on the oven went off before I could decide, and of course Chris chose that moment to ring the bell.

I peeked out the peep hole to make sure it was him, unlocked the door and yelled, "Come in!" as I ran to the kitchen to get the cornbread out.

"Hey. It smells delicious in here. Do you need any-" He stopped mid-sentence when he saw me in my robe taking the pan out of the oven.

I blushed bright red. "Sorry. The oven went off while I was stressing about what to wear." I set the pan down and stuck a toothpick in the middle of it to see if it was ready. Thankfully, it was so I turned the oven off.

"It's okay," Chris said, blushing a little bit himself. "Why are you stressing about what to wear?" he asked.

I shrugged and clutched my robe tighter to my body. "What do people wear on Thanksgiving?"

Chris laughed. "Dee, they wear clothes. And trust me...my family doesn't get dressed up. Wear whatever you want to wear."

I bit my lip. "Okay," I whispered, crossing my arms so I could grip my elbows.

"Come here," Chris said.

I kept looking down at the floor, but I went to him, letting him pull me into a comforting hug. My heart sped up a little because I had never let anyone be this close to me in years. But Chris didn't scare me. It felt...nice.

I let go of my elbows and wrapped my arms around him to hug him back. His fingers gently moved my chin up so I'd look him in the eye. His eyes searched mine, and then his hand was lifting to tuck my wet hair back from my face.

"Shit. Sorry," he said as he backed away from me. "I didn't mean-"

I shook my head. "No, it's okay. Um...it actually felt nice to just...be held for once." He was blushing. "I still have to figure out what to wear," I muttered, ducking my head as I made my way back to my room.

Chris followed me, but he didn't come into the room. He leaned against the doorway with his arms crossed. "Wear what makes you feel comfortable. Wear something you love...like your Nightmare Before Christmas hoodie."

I smiled. "That is my favorite."

"So wear it." He stood up straight. "You get dressed. I'll get the dogs all ready to go and I'll put foil over the cornbread."

"Thanks," I said as he shut the door to my room.

I dressed in a pair of galaxy print leggings with a long sleeved, black v-neck shirt that was extra long. I put my favorite hoodie over it, and a pair of black converse. I quickly put some defrizzing product in my hair, put my contacts in, and decided to wear a light layer of shimmery eyeshadow with some black eyeliner.

When I walked out Chris had leashed both of the dogs and they were waiting by the door for me. I grabbed my wallet, keys, and phone and then went for the kitchen to grab my cornbread. Since it was still pretty hot, I placed it on top of a baking sheet.

"Are you sure I shouldn't drive?" I asked him, probably for the 5th time since he asked me to go and said he'd drive.

"Dee, it's fine. If you get to a point where you need to leave, I will take you home. It isn't far from here. I promise."

I nodded and followed him out to his big blue pick up truck next store. He helped both dogs into the backseat and secured them with harnesses he had set up in the back that hooked up to the seatbelts.

When the dogs were settled, he took the cornbread from me so I could get in. I got in, got my seatbelt on, he handed me the cornbread, ran around the truck to get in, and off we went.

I twisted my hands around nervously. Chris reached over and grabbed my left hand, squeezing it reassuringly.

"You're going to do great. I know you are," he said.

"Okay," I whispered, and kept hold of his hand for the rest of the car ride.

When we got there, Seb was just pulling up too and he got out of the car with a woman who I recognized as Elizabeth Olsen.

"Oh, I didn't know Lizzie was coming. Great! You'll love her. Her and Seb have actually been dating for about 3 months. None of us can believe it."

My heart sped up a little from nerves, but I knew I wasn't anywhere close to a panic attack. I placed the cornbread on the dashboard and got out of the truck. Chris got out and started getting the 2 dogs out while I grabbed the cornbread.

"Hey! Dee, you came!" Sebastian said, sounding genuinely happy to see me. His hands were full with 2 pie boxes, and I watched Lizzie get out of the car with a bag from the liquor store, and she let Thor out of the back seat.

"Thor!" I squealed happily, bending down to kiss the big goofball. "Hey, bud." Thor kissed me and tried to knock the cornbread out of my arms.

"Thor, no!" Lizzie scolded him, attaching his leash to him so she could pull him back. "Hey. I'm Lizzie."

I smiled shyly and just waved. "Hey. I'm Delilah...Dee for short. Everyone calls me Dee."

"Hey, guys," Chris said, holding Dodger and Luna by their leashes. "Let's get in there before they all come out here. It's fucking cold."

We went up the porch steps, and the door opened seconds before we got there. A woman I'm assuming was Chris's mom let us into the house.

"Ma," Chris said, hugging her as he transferred both leashes to one hand. "You remember Lizzie. And this..." Chris grabbed my hand and ushered me forward. "Is Dee. And her dog Luna."

Chris's mom smiled kindly at me, and I knew where he had gotten his charming smile from. "Hello, sweetheart. I'm Lisa. It's nice to finally meet you. Chris has told us about his frequent dog park trips with you and Luna. It's nice to finally put a face with a name."

I smiled shyly. "It's nice to meet you, and thank you so much for having me. I brought cornbread."

She took the cornbread from me. "Oh, you didn't have to do that! But thank you. It smells amazing."

"Hey!" Seb said. "I brought pie."

Lisa looked at him and raised an eyebrow. "And did you bake your pies?"

Lizzie laughed. "You know he didn't."

"Then Dee is a better guest," Lisa teased. "She baked hers from scratch."

Seb muttered, "Suck up," behind me, so I turned to him and stuck my tongue out at him, making Lizzie and Chris laugh.

Chris let Luna and Dodger off-leash and Lizzie did the same with Thor, and that's when the rest of the group descended upon us.

The rest of the Evans family came out of the living room, and Chris's niece and nephew, Stella and Miles, squealed when they saw me.

"Miss Dee!" Stella shrieked, running at me to hug my legs.

"Look, Stella," Miles said. "Luna is here too!" Miles hugged me but then went off to chase after Dodger, Luna and Thor.

I got down on both knees so I'd be closer to Stella's height. "Hey, Stella! Did you like that new mermaid book you borrowed?"

"I LOVED IT!" she shrieked, making several people cringe.

Her mom, Carly, got on the floor with us. She had introduced herself to me a few weeks ago when she realized I was Chris's friend. Her kids were two of my favorite library kiddos. "She has read it every night this week. I'm going to have to buy her a copy because of how much she loves it."

"Miss Dee?" Stella said, shuffling her toes.

"How about when we're not in the library you just call me Dee? Sound good?"

She nodded, her long brown hair falling in her face. She swiped at it and tucked it behind her ears. "Uncle Chris told me you were coming so I brought the mermaid book with me today. Will you read it to me later....please?" she asked, pouting her lower lip.

I melted. "Of course. But first we have to eat. Do you remember our Thanksgiving storytime from Tuesday?" She nodded. "What's your favorite Thanksgiving food?"

"I love Turkey."

"That's because you are a turkey," Chris said, picking her up and tossing her in the air, making her squeal and laugh. She wiggled out of his arms and went in search of the dogs and her brother.

I stood up and waved at the rest of the group.

"Dee, this is Carly's husband Mike, Shanna, Brian, Scott, Billy Eichner, and my dad Robert," Chris said, pointing everyone out.

"Hi," I said, waving at them again. I hated being the center of attention.

"My potatoes!" Lisa suddenly gasped out and then ran from the room.

Seb and Lizzie took their stuff to the kitchen, and Chris and I followed. I breathed a little easier once I was not around so many people.

"Lisa, do you need help with anything?" I asked, setting down my cornbread by the rest of the food already set out on the big island counter.

"No, sweetheart. The girls are helping me," she said just as Carly and Shanna came in.

"Come on," Chris said. "I'll show you around. This is my childhood home, after all. My room is even still intact."

I laughed and let him lead me away from the kitchen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well...what did we think of this?
> 
> Comments? Kudos?
> 
> My favorite part is these two finally hugging!
> 
> BABY STEPS! <3


	6. "Home" for the Holidays

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chris continues to invite Dee to his family's house for the holidays, and he finds out more about her backstory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello. Please don't kill me...this one is a bit of a tearjerker.
> 
> SORRY IN ADVANCE!

I had never seen so much food in my life. Even years ago when I had spent holidays with my family, they never cooked this much food. I had been an only child, and my mom had been an only child too. My dad had 1 brother, but his brother never had kids. I never knew either set of grandparents because they had passed away either before I was born or when I was a baby, and I had no cousins either.

This was wonderful. It was overwhelming for sure, but his family didn't ask me anything too personal, and they treated me like a part of the family. I had eaten so much food, I didn't think I could move. The dogs had even gotten to eat some turkey in the kitchen, which made them very happy.

Chris's family was wonderful. I really loved them.

The only time there was a slip-up at all was when Scott's boyfriend Billy asked me if I was married or single.

"Divorced," I answered. "I'm not seeing anyone. I'm not ready."

"Why not?" he had asked.

I swallowed hard and caught Chris and Scott glaring daggers over at Billy as if trying to mentally signal to him to shut up.

"Um-"

Lisa stood up. "Dee, I could really use help with the dishes. Would you like to join me?"

I was out of my chair before she could finish her sentence. "Yes!" I said too quickly, and booked it to the kitchen.

Lisa filled up the dishwasher as much as she could, and I set to work washing some of the bigger pots and oven pans.

I let out a deep breath and tried to not let it show that my hands were shaking.

Lisa left me be, but I kept seeing her glance at me as if to make sure was okay.

Chris came in a few minutes later, and my hands were still shaking...which he immediately noticed.

"Hey," he whispered, putting a hand on my lower back. "Want to go outside for a minute?"

I nodded and stopped washing the dishes and dried my hands.

He led me to the back deck, and we let all 3 dogs out since the yard was fenced in.

Chris pulled me against his chest and wrapped his arms around me. I slowly wrapped my arms around him, but then clutched the fabric of his flannel shirt in my fists like my life depended on it.

"I didn't tell anyone anything about your situation, but I did ask them not to pry. But I didn't get to tell Billy. I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

"No, it isn't. You're upset."

I laid my head against his chest, listening to his steady heartbeat. I took deep breaths, concentrating on getting my own heartbeat to be as steady as his. I closed my eyes and breathed in the comforting smell that I knew was all Chris. It was some kind of detergent mixed with deodorant and shower gel, but the 3 mixed together were amazing. I couldn't pinpoint why Chris didn't set off every red alert and siren in my brain when anyone else who'd ever gotten this close to me made me have a panic attack.

But I stopped questioning it. Chris made me break all of my own rules.

When I felt that my heartbeat was steady and my hands were no longer shaking, I unclenched my fists and pulled back. I stayed in the warm circle of his arms, but looked up at his face.

He smiled and pulled my hood up over my head. "There. That'll make you feel better. You can hide a little when we go back in."

I shook my head, making the hood fall back down. "I don't want to hide from you."

His face became serious, and there was an emotion in his eyes that I couldn't decipher. "You don't ever have to hide from me, but if you needed to, I would understand."

I laughed and pushed my hair out of my face as I pulled away from him. "I don't feel like I need to hide from you. Not anymore. Ever since we met, you've made me break every single rule that I put in place." I turned toward him. "What is it about you that makes me do that?" It was a rhetorical question, so there was no need for him to answer. "There's no hiding from you anymore."

Chris and I both leaned on the banister of the deck, watching the dogs run around and do their thing. "How's this then? If you ever want to hide...I'll hide with you."

I glanced over at him. "Really?"

"Of course. You should know by now that there isn't much I wouldn't do for you."

"Is that what being friends means? You'd do anything for each other?"

"Not all friends. But really good friends...or best friends...yeah."

I let that thought mull over in my head, and after a few minutes, we went back in with the dogs.

***

Later on, everyone was congregated in the Evans' large living room. Stella eventually curled up next to me on the couch with her mermaid book, and I happily agreed to read it to her. Even though it was a mermaid book, Miles squished himself between me and the arm of the couch to listen too. I wrapped my arms around both children, and Luna laid across all our laps.

Dodger and Thor laid at my feet, and by the time I was done reading, all 3 dogs and Miles were fast asleep.

Stella looked up at me as I shut the book, a question furrowing her eyebrows. "Would you ever want to be a mermaid?" she asked me.

I thought about that for a moment. "I would love to be a mermaid. But only if I could be a princess too."

"Like Ariel?!"

"Yes, like Ariel, but I'd still want to be able to come back on land. I don't think I could live in the water forever."

"Why?"

"Well, dogs can't live in the water...you know I couldn't just leave Luna."

She thought about that. "You bring Luna everywhere with you?"

I pet the soft fur of Luna's ears. "I do."

"Why?"

"Do you remember that story time we had about service dogs? Some people need service dogs because they can't see...and others need service dogs because they get sick and dogs can sense when they're going to be sick. Some dogs even help people who are really sad," I explained. "Luna is my service dog. And I can bring her to the library because she is a therapy dog...like how Uncle Chris brings Dodger to visit sick kids in the hospital."

Stella looked up at me with her big brown eyes. "Why do you need Luna?"

"Stella," Carly said. "Don't keep asking Dee so many questions, sweetie," she warned.

"It's okay," I said, and then realized the rest of the room had gotten quiet and was listening to Stella and me. I looked back at Stella. "Luna helps me when I get very sad and lonely."

"How?"

I couldn't think of how to explain this to a 7-year-old. So I went for the most honest answer I could. "Did you ever sit in the dark with no one else around?"

She shook her head. "I don't like the dark."

"I don't either, but I have a sickness...not one you can see with your eyes. My brain likes to sometimes make me feel like I'm in a dark room with no one else around, and Luna...she helps my brain turn the light back on. Do you understand?"

"She helps make you not sad. She reminds you that you aren't alone."

I nodded. "That's a big part of it. She can also sense when my brain is going to turn the lights off...and sometimes she can stop it."

"I still don't understand why you get sad."

I smiled sadly at her and tucked her unruly hair behind her head. "There's a lot of bad things that happened to me before I moved here."

"Did someone do bad things to you?" she asked, gently tracing a very light scar over my eyebrow.

I almost choked with emotion but forced it back. "Yes. So now it's just Luna and me, and sometimes that can feel very sad and lonely."

"You're not alone anymore," she said. "You have Luna...and you have Uncle Chris. You have Dodger, and Thor likes you. And you have me."

"And me," a sleepy Miles said, rubbing his eyes.

"Yeah, you have us. You don't have to be sad and lonely anymore," Stella said, and both kids wrapped their arms around me and laid their heads on my shoulder.

I could no longer stop the tears from falling down my face, and I felt something in my heart heal just a little bit. I hugged them tightly to me. "You're right. I'm not alone anymore."

My eyes met Chris's across the room and I saw his own eyes glassy and filled with emotion, and for a moment, I felt like eventually, everything would get better.

***

**Fast Forward to Christmas Eve**

Time had been flying by.

Winter was crappy in Boston, but that didn't stop Chris and me from taking the dogs to the park still whenever we could. We'd also go on short walks, or if it was really bad out, Chris would insist that I bring Luna to his house so she could use his fenced-in backyard to run around and use with Dodger.

We were getting into a routine of sorts. I would go to work, and sometimes to kickboxing or self-defense after or the doctor, and then when I got home, he'd come over or I'd go to his house. We'd cook for each other or get take-out if we felt like it.

He'd even started bringing me to some good food spots around town. There was even a dog-friendly bar that he was able to bring Dodger with us to. Luna, of course, went everywhere with us because that was her job.

Chris even had a small board game night at his house and he invited Lizzie, Seb and me.

Slowly, but surely, I was starting to feel more and more like a normal person again.

My psychiatrist, Dr. Ackerman, was thrilled that I was starting to live a normal life.

It was a work in progress. I wasn't comfortable with big groups yet, but Chris didn't push me.

Chris had been fortunate enough to be filming something right in the area so he had still been busy with work, but it allowed him the freedom to do other things that he wanted to do.

And I got invited to spend Christmas Eve dinner at his parents' house. I was actually really excited. I had been back to his house a few times in the last month, and I really loved everyone. They spent a lot of time as one big family, and it made me sort of feel like I had a family again.

We had eaten our Christmas Eve dinner of fish and it was delicious. Chris and I then spent a lot of time outside with the kids, Dodger and Luna playing in the snow. We played until we were cold and shivering, and then we all trooped inside to get warm.

It was getting late, and Carly told the kids it was time for bed, but they begged me to read them the Night Before Christmas.

I agreed of course, and they were sound asleep by the time I said, "...Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night."

I gently tucked them in and shut their door before joining the rest of the family downstairs. "Down for the count," I said, then laughed as all of the adults sprang to action, going to get all the presents from their hiding places.

Chris stayed with me on the couch, and I swung my legs up to put in his lap as I sipped on my hot chocolate. He draped a blanket over his lap and my legs, resting his hands on my shins. "Those kids are completely enamored with you."

I smiled. "I love them too."

"You're really amazing with kids. I can see why you work as a children's librarian. I sort of tagged along with Carly and the kids last week. I stood close by and watched you with the kids."

I blinked. "I didn't even see you."

He laughed and rubbed his hands absentmindedly up and down my shins. "I only stayed for a few minutes. But you're really amazing with them."

"I love kids. I really do. Some days I feel like...no matter how bad I'm feeling, the kids just make it better." I gave him a serious look. "Working with kids fills a void in my heart since I can't have any of my own."

He furrowed his eyebrows. "Can't or won't?"

"Can't. Physically can't." I lowered my voice since his family was still coming in and out of the room. "When I was 25, I got pregnant. James had already started showing me a lot of red flags by that point, and he'd already started hitting me. Not a lot, but enough that I became scared of what he would do if I had any children." A tear escaped my eye and I wiped it away quickly. "I disappeared for a whole day. Called out sick at work. I went to Planned Parenthood, and I got an abortion." I swallowed hard. "I didn't know what else to do. He never found out...but he was suspicious. I got an IUD after that so it wouldn't happen again." My hand shook and Chris grabbed it.

"You don't have to-"

"Yes, I do. I've never told anyone. I have to get this off my chest." I took a deep breath and squeezed his hand. "He found out about the IUD...used his police status to obtain my medical record somehow. He was furious, but he couldn't make me get it taken out. He said that...that if I didn't want to have kids, he'd gladly make that my reality." I shut my eyes tight. "He beat me a lot more after that, all of it targeted toward that part of my body. Kicks. Punches." I shut my eyes tight at the memory. "He got really overzealous once and pushed me off the porch when we were arguing one day. We had one of those low garden fences...the one that is iron and has spikes."

Chris took in a sharp intake of breath, making me open my eyes to look at him. Tears fell down my face when I opened my eyes.

"I was lucky that I didn't hit anything vital. He told the doctors I tripped and fell. They always believed him...because he was a cop." I lifted my shirt and pushed down the band of my leggings until he could see the edge of my underwear. There was a giant, jagged scar going across my whole lower abdomen, only an inch above my underwear line.

Chris sucked in a deep breath again and muttered a string of curses under his breath.

I continued on. "They did a hysterectomy and I only have one ovary now, but I can never have kids. James told me it was what I deserved...that I hadn't wanted to have kids with him, so now I'd never be able to have kids with anyone else either." I pulled my shirt and pants back into place and set my hot chocolate down on the coffee table so I could clutch the blanket to my chest.

"Fuck, Dee. I knew he hurt you, but I didn't know how bad," Chris said softly.

"How did you know?"

"You told me you had PTSD, and I watched the way you reacted to Seb and me at first...the way Luna reacts to big men. I had no idea it was this bad though."

I nodded. "I should have left...so many times. But I didn't. He isolated me from everyone, controlled everything...all of the money. I had no one. I had nothing. I was nothing."

"Dee, did he rape you?" he whispered.

The look in his eyes killed me. He already knew the answer, but he was praying he was wrong.

I nodded. "Not until the last 2 years we were together. 2 years before that, I had stopped sleeping with him. I thought maybe he'd get bored. Go find someone else. I prayed he would leave me. But he didn't. And the longer I refused to touch him, the madder he got." If looks could kill, James would have been a dead man from the look on Chris's face.

I slid my legs off his lap and moved closer to him, crossing one leg beneath me. I touched his leg with mine, and I gently grabbed his arm. "Don't be upset. There's nothing you can do about it now."

His blue eyes stared into mine, and as usual, I found I couldn't read the emotions I saw there. "I can help you heal."

"You have been. You have no idea how much you have been."

Both of us jumped when Lisa said behind us, "We're all done. Are you two going to spend the night here?"

Chris looked at me in question.

"I don't have any clothes-"

Lisa scoffed. "Christopher has plenty of clothes here that you can borrow for the night, and I'll wash your clothes that you're wearing so they're clean for tomorrow. The kids would love it if you were here for Christmas morning."

And that's how she lured me in.

Chris gave me a pair of brand new boxer briefs because I hated sleeping without underwear, a pair of sweatpants, and one of his old t-shirts to wear to bed. Once I gave Lisa my clothes, we went upstairs to take turns using the bathroom, and then we went to his room.

His bed was small-ish...only a full size since the room was on the smaller side. There weren't any other rooms open since everyone was occupying them.

Dodger and Luna went right to Dodger's big dog bed and went right to sleep, leaving Chris and me to keep staring at the bed and each other a little uncomfortably.

"I'll sleep on the floor," he said, and went to take pillows off the bed.

I grabbed his arm. "You don't have to. It's okay. We can both sleep in the bed. It's big enough for two people."

"Yeah, but-"

"Chris, it's okay. Just get into bed." I untucked the covers and pulled them back, gently pushing him toward the side closest to the door. I always preferred to sleep as far from the door as possible. I went to my purse and took my medicine for the night, thankful that I always kept extra pills with me just in case.

When I turned back to the bed, Chris was laying in it, and suddenly the bed looked much smaller. He had put on a pair of sweats and a t-shirt as well, and I had to stop myself from trying to envision him without a shirt.

Chris is a friend. Chris is a friend. Chris is a friend!

I found a night light underneath his window and turned it on before going to turn off the main light. I walked to the bed and sat on it for a second before laying down. With both of us laying flat on our backs, the lines of our bodies touched.

I turned on to my side to face him. "Thanks for...everything. You've done so much for me. And it means a lot that you invite me to your family's house for the holidays."

He turned to his side to face me too and smiled. "I like when you're here. I don't want you to ever spend a holiday alone again." I smiled at him but knew it didn't reach my eyes. "What's the matter?" he asked. "You look deep in thought."

The two of us were close with only inches between our faces. "I miss being in a relationship. I miss having a boyfriend."

"You've been alone awhile."

"What if...what if I can never find someone who is willing to deal with all of this?"

"Don't say that."

"It's a very real fear. Chris, I'm a broken person. The pieces are slowly starting to come back together. But it's minuscule. I'm always going to be broken. I can't have kids. My PTSD, depression and anxiety are severe. Who is going to want to live with that? No one. Not to mention..." I sighed. "I don't even know if I can be intimate with someone without freaking out."

Chris was quiet. "Do you want to start dating again?"

"Yes. No. I don't even know. I just don't know."

"I'll help you. In any way I can, you know I will help you."

"Okay," I whispered, and soon enough we fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did you guys think? Comments please?
> 
> I feel like I say this every damn time...but I just love Chris and Dee! They are just...so fucking cute and he is so good at making her comfortable.


	7. Christmas!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Christmas Day at the Evans' house, and Dee starts to realize that maybe her feelings for Chris are starting to change.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: There are some very vague references about rape. It's VERY vague...but there. I promised I would always post the warnings so I am. Just wanted you to be aware.
> 
> Anyway...hope you're all doing well. I am SUPER happy at the response I am getting for this story and it's giving me lifeeeee!! Hope you enjoy where I start to take it from this point onward!

The next morning, I woke up so warm and comfortable that I wanted to go back to sleep.

Sometime during the night, Luna had pushed her way onto the bed and under the blankets and was laying against the front of my body since I was laying on my side. In doing this, she had pushed me closer to Chris who must have automatically started holding me in his sleep because his arm was around my midsection. The front of his body was pressed against the back of mine, his knees tucked under my butt. I could feel Dodger asleep at our feet.

I should have been afraid to wake up in a man's arms, but I felt no fear.

No, I felt something much worse.

Chris shifted in his sleep, and I could feel the line of his cock press hard against my butt. An unexplainable rush of desire went through me, making my heart beat fast.

How many years had it been since I'd been held this close? How many years had it been since I'd last had sex...willingly?

Too many to count.

But this is one of the things I had missed. Before I had met James...I had enjoyed sex very much. Even when James and I first started out, the sex had been great...until I became afraid of him. I kept having sex with him, afraid of what he'd do if I didn't.

I should have gotten out of the bed. I should have slipped out of Chris's arms and away from the temptation of his body. But I didn't. I laid there and enjoyed feeling safe and wanted...even if it was just in his sleep.

We were friends. I shouldn't be feeling this way about a friend. He certainly didn't feel this way about me...

Well, except now, though I knew that to be more of an automatic thing for men in the morning for some reason.

Dodger sneezed loudly, and Chris slowly started to wake up. I knew the moment he realized who he was holding me because his breath caught and his entire body stiffened.

"Fuck," he said and rolled away from me and out of bed.

I sat up. "It's okay."

His back was to me, but I could see his body stiffen again as he realized I was awake. "No, it's not. I shouldn't have... Damnit, I'm sorry." And then he abruptly left the room.

Well hell.

Dodger moved up the bed to lay on the other side, and I laid back down to be sandwiched by my two favorite dogs. They started kissing my face, making me laugh. They flipped onto their backs so I could rub their bellies, and both of them tipped their noses toward me. I kissed Luna's snout and then Dodger's, and that's when Chris walked back into the room. 

He had my clean clothes folded in his hands, and he was doing his best to avoid my gaze.

I sighed and slipped out of the bed and away from the warmth of both dogs. I walked up to Chris and took the clothes, deliberately invading his space so he would look at me. "Stop. Please. Don't feel bad or sorry. I'm not upset."

"But I-"

"Chris, please. You don't..." I took a deep breath. "You don't have to be sorry. It felt nice to just be held for once. But if you're going to freak out about it, then let's just forget it ever happened," I said, and then moved around him to leave the room.

He gently grabbed my elbow to stop me. "I don't want to forget it happened. I just feel like I forced myself on you. I don't want to scare you away...that's the last thing I'd ever want to do. You're my friend."

"Right," I said, internally berating myself. "We're friends. Nothing is going to change that." Big fat lie. "You didn't force yourself on me, and you could never scare me away." I looked into his eyes and smiled at him. "I'm gunna go get ready. Merry Christmas." I hugged him quickly, grabbed my purse and left the room to go to the bathroom so I could change.

I locked myself in the bathroom and took some deep breaths. What was happening?

Was this what it felt like to get feelings for someone? It'd been so long... I don't even remember. All I know is, I had to stop this nonsense in my brain so I wouldn't lose him as a friend. I couldn't lose him. And he very clearly didn't have feelings for me, so I had better shape up and stop these feelings for him.

Maybe this just meant I was ready to start dating again?

I sighed and got dressed after taking a quick shower. I got as much moisture out of my hair as possible and let it air dry. I found an unopened spare toothbrush and used it, and put my glasses on.

I was changing. My skin was looking healthier and clearer. I didn't look as pale as I always had. I was shocked to realize I was looking happy again. The bags and dark circles under my eyes were fading since sleep was becoming easier.

I was starting to really like this new person blossoming before my very eyes.

When I came out, I put the towel I had used and the clothes I had worn to bed in the bathroom hamper and went downstairs.

Chris had taken the dogs out and brought our presents in that we had brought. I did buy something little for everyone even though I didn't know everyone all that well. I didn't want to come empty-handed and be rude.

When Chris was done bringing the presents in, he quietly handed me a cup of coffee and we watched our two dogs do their business in the backyard. They came right back instead of playing like usual.

They must have sensed that everyone else was coming downstairs because suddenly the kitchen became flooded with people getting coffee, and the kids started screaming 'Merry Christmas' at us and asking to open presents.

We all said Merry Christmas, and then trooped into the living room with the dogs. The kids wasted no time getting to their presents.

Last night, Lisa, Shanna and Carly had divided up all the presents into piles so it would be semi-organized.

We let the kids go first. I had gotten Miles, who was 5, a huge set of matchbox cars because I knew they were his favorite and he collected them. He shrieked when he opened them, running over to me to launch himself into my arms and then he showed me every car and told me what each one was.

For Stella, I had gotten a couple of mermaid and princess chapter books because I knew she was starting to read chapter books more and more. She was thrilled and couldn't wait to start reading them.

Everyone else opened their gifts. I had gotten them things like candles or signs with sayings that reminded me of them. Even the dogs got gifts which was adorable. For Chris, I had gotten him the Disney Deluxe edition of Trivial pursuit and the Disney Theme Parks edition of Monopoly. They were brand new, and I knew he didn't have them yet.

"These are great! Now you'll have to come to my next big board game night. You're a huge Disney nerd too so you'll be great competition."

I laughed. "Yeah, but I bet I'll kick your butt," I teased, making him laugh. He opened this last present, and I watched his face light up with happiness. I had commissioned an artist to paint a large picture of Dodger for him to hang up in his house, and it had come out perfect.

"Wow...this is really amazing," he said running his fingers longingly over the canvas. "I can't wait to hang this up."

"I know the perfect spot for it in your house," I told him, making him smile wider.

"Open your stack," he said, pointing at a pile still by the tree.

My heart filled with joy that I had a stack of presents. It had been so long since I felt like I was part of a family. I opened up my gifts and loved everything. Lisa and Robert had gotten me a sign to hang up that said, "Life is tough my darling, but so are you."

Carly and Mike gave me a bunch of pumpkin scented candles because everyone found out about my great love of all things pumpkin on Thanksgiving.

Shanna and Brian gave me a $50 gift card to Hot Topic.

"Chris said that's your favorite store, and I thought you deserve to go on a shopping trip and have fun. You and I can shop, and Brian and Chris can carry our bags and complain about how long we're taking to shop," she said, squeezing my hand.

I grinned. "I would love that. I am way overdue for some shopping."

"Then it's a date," Shanna said, and we hugged each other.

Scott and Billy gave me a beautiful art print of a sunrise that had beautiful colors throughout the picture. There was a quote on one side of it that said, "Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. -Victor Hugo". It was a beautiful quote, and I actually choked up a little bit as I hugged them both in thanks.

Stella and Miles, I was told, had picked their own gift out for me. I opened it and laughed loudly. There, in a medium-sized box, was a crocheted, adult-sized, mermaid tail blanket. It was one that you slid over your legs and it looked like you were a mermaid. The yarn pattern was beautiful, going from black to purple to teal to silver. Next to it in the box was a plastic adult-sized tiara.

"So you can be a mermaid princess!" Stella said excitedly. "Put your fins on!"

I laughed and stretched my legs out on the floor to put the blanket on. Miles took the tiara and put it on my head, and both kids laughed uproariously at how silly I looked. I was laughing so hard tears were streaming from my eyes, and Chris took some pictures of me with the kids.

"I absolutely love it," I told them.

"She insisted on getting these for you," Carly said with a chuckle. "I told her I wasn't sure it was right for you...but I can see now that I was wrong."

"Dee is literally a child at heart," Chris said with a laugh.

I lifted my legs and smacked him with the mermaid tail, making him laugh hard. "You're one to talk." I went to whack him again and he grabbed my legs and stuck his tongue out at me. "See? Child."

We laughed and he let me go so I could take off the mermaid tail. Next were Chris's gifts.

"Wait! This one first," he said and handed me a large flat package.

When I opened it, my heart melted. It seems we had had the same idea for each other because under the paper was a beautifully painted portrait of Luna on canvas. It was my favorite picture of her that had been caught at the perfect time. She'd been looking up at me with her big adorable eyes, and her tongue had stuck out just the tiniest bit.

The artist had captured her bubbly personality perfectly, and I felt my heart burst with joy.

"This is beautiful," I whispered to him, leaning against him as I ran my fingers over the canvas.

I set it down and opened the next one. It was a framed picture of Luna and me that he had taken at the dog park of us. I was sitting by my tree with Luna next to me. I was hugging her around the neck as she looked at Chris with her ears perked up. The smile on my face was so happy.

The next gift was a collage of pictures in black and white that Chris had taken. One side view of me kneeling on my kitchen floor to pet Luna's head and then the same pose in another picture but with Dodger. There was a picture of Dodger, Luna and I sitting on my couch. There was one of me by the tree in the dog park again surrounded by Luna, Dodger and Thor. There was a selfie that Chris and I took while sitting on my floor with both of our dogs' chins resting on our heads.

The last picture was one I didn't know anyone had taken. It was a picture of Chris and I with Luna, Dodger and Thor in the dog park. Chris had picked me up in his arms and off the ground while I held a rope toy above my head. Luna and Thor were mid-jump, and Dodger was launched straight in the air in the picture trying to get the rope toy. I remembered that Dodger was jumping so high he could almost reach it in my hands since I wasn't very tall. Chris had picked me up a few inches off the ground to help with my height issue, and still, Dodger tried to get it.

Seb had caught the picture at the perfect time. Chris was laughing hard with his head thrown back and there was such a big, goofy smile on my face that my eyes looked like they were shut. I had never seen a picture of me where I looked so happy, and it immediately brought tears to my eyes.

"This is beautiful," I choked out, and then laughed as Luna whined and shoved her head into my lap. "These are good tears, baby," I told her, kissing her head. I looked at Chris. "This is my new favorite picture ever. The black and white is beautiful."

Chris pulled another small present out from under the tree and said, "I framed the color version too."

I eagerly opened that one and it was just as beautiful as the other one. I leaned over and hugged Chris tightly. "Thank you," I whispered.

"You're welcome, but you're not done opening gifts," he whispered back.

"You got me enough," I told him, but took the two wrapped packages he handed me next. They were flat, and I knew they were envelopes. I opened one and it was a gift certificate for a tattoo and a piercing. It was for a place in New York City.

"It's my favorite place in the city to go to. I have a good place around here too, but...well there's a theme you'll see when you open the other envelope," he explained.

I opened the other envelope, and in it were tickets for Harry Potter and the Cursed Child on Broadway. "No way," I gasped out, clutching them to my chest. "How did you....? These are for next weekend!"

He nodded. "I thought maybe we could just go away for New Year's and then New Year's Day do some tattoos and whatever and then the following day is the play."

"Really?" I asked, my eyes wide with excitement. "Why are you so great?" I hugged him again. "You really are the best."

He smiled at me. "I just want you to have some fun."

"I think I can do that."

***

Shanna had said we could go shopping after the holidays, but I knew I had to go do some shopping before New York.

Chris said we were staying at Tom Hiddleston's penthouse in the city and that Seb and Lizzie were coming with us and, of course, Luna was welcome. He had asked if I would be okay with spending New Year's Eve with his friends since they usually had a big party. All of the Marvel co-stars were still all really close friends. He assured me the party wouldn't be a huge amount of people, so I agreed.

But I had nothing to wear to a New Year's Eve party or a Broadway play.

I decided to go to the mall by myself two days before New Year's Eve, and was pleased that it was actually not that busy. I had Luna with me, as always, and I was surprised that I was able to navigate the small stores with her very easily.

I mainly stuck to my favorite place, Hot Topic. I picked out a dress that looked like Sally's from Nightmare Before Christmas so I could wear it on New Year's Eve with my hoodie. For the play, I picked out a black Harry Potter symbol dress that had buttons all down the front of the dress. And it had pockets! So did the Sally dress. I definitely needed to have pockets on everything.

To go with the Harry Potter dress, I picked out a black cardigan with the Hufflepuff Crest on the chest and yellow on the trim of the sweater.

After Hot Topic, I went to Old Navy to pick out some new jeans and long sleeves tops. By that point, it started getting a little more crowded, and I started feeling anxious.

I left after that, even though there had been more stores I wanted to look at. I knew I'd be back eventually with Shanna.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well....what did we think?
> 
> Do we think Chris possibly has feelings for Dee? Do we think Dee's going to be able to ignore her feelings for Chris....or are they just going to keep getting stronger?
> 
> COMMENTS PLEASEEEE!!


	8. Friends. Friends. Just friends.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dee, Luna, and Chris travel to the city for New Year's Eve with Seb and Lizzie. Dee and Lizzie start to get closer as friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, all! It's been a real shit week. Hope everyone is doing okay. And hope you like this chapter! I think you guys will like it.

On New Year's Eve, Thursday morning, we left for the city. Chris drove his truck since it was big enough for all of us and Luna, and the back of the truck had a cover so we were able to store our luggage back there.

I sat in front with Chris, and Luna rode in the back with Seb and Lizzie. The four of us talked the whole way there or sang songs at the top of our lungs. We stopped occasionally for gas, bathroom breaks, and food, but we made it into the city by the late afternoon. The party wasn't going to start until about 8, but we were going to have dinner with Tom first in his apartment...probably some kind of take-out.

I was amazed by everything we drove by in the city. I had only ever seen pictures of New York City and had never actually been here.

"You've never been here?" Chris asked, turning down the volume of the music.

I shook my head, not that he could see it. "I've always wanted to come but never did."

He smiled as he maneuvered through the horrendous traffic. "You're going to love Tom's apartment. It overlooks Times Square so we'll have a great view of the ball dropping. He has floor to ceiling windows and a balcony. It's really nice."

"It's gorgeous," Lizzie said from the back. "I'm actually jealous, but I don't think I could live right in the city. I like Boston though. My little apartment is good enough for me for now," she said.

"Well, I've lived in the city. It can be tough," Seb said. "There're always too many people. It can feel suffocating at times."

Chris turned and pulled into a parking garage then, giving the attendant his name and getting a pass that Tom had called in for us. Chris displayed it in the windshield and drove around to find a spot.

We got out of the car once it was parked, and I got Luna all hooked up in her gear quick. Seb and Lizzie took the luggage upstairs, and Chris and I walked Luna quickly.

New York smelled funny. But I could see the draw to wanting to live here. But Seb was right...there were so many people...it was a little overwhelming. Luna seemed unbothered by the busy city and did her business like a good girl, and then we went back through the garage to the elevator since Tom was on the top floor...the 12th floor.

The elevator dinged and opened to a hallway that only had 2 doors, and I realized then that Tom's apartment must be as long as the whole floor.

"Wow this place is big isn't it?"

Chris nodded. "Yeah, he's got like 8 bedrooms in here. It's great when we all want to get together." He stopped before we got to Tom's door and turned to me. "Are you okay with sharing a room with me...? Just for tonight. Then you can have your own room the other nights. It's just going to be tight quarters tonight."

I shrugged. "That's fine with me." I tried to act nonchalant about it, but I'd be lying to myself if I said I didn't keep thinking about sharing a bed with him on Christmas Eve.

I was shaken out of my thoughts when Chris opened the door and we walked into the biggest and most beautiful apartment I had ever seen. It was probably 3 times the size of my small house!

Tom came to greet us and smiled wide. "Chris! It's been too long since we've seen each other." They hugged and smacked each other on the back like men sometimes did. Tom looked at me and smiled kindly. "Hello, I'm Tom." He held out a hand to me and I shook it politely, feeling a little shy.

"Hey. I'm Dee and this is Luna. I really appreciate you letting us stay here...especially Luna." I knelt down and took her out of her service dog gear, and Tom crouched to the ground.

He was very tall, but he didn't set off my radar like other large males. He was muscular, but he was thinner than Chris.

"May I pet her?" he asked.

I smiled at him. "Of course." I kissed Luna's head and Tom held out his hand for her to sniff.

She went to him immediately and nearly knocked him over in her excitement. She flipped onto her back showing her stomach to him and wiggled around until he started petting her tummy and scratching her. Luna gave him her best puppy dog eyes and whined, and I watched Tom melt into a puddle and lay on the floor so he could keep rubbing her belly and also kiss her snout.

"Huh. I think you just lost your girlfriend," I said to Chris.

"I think you're right," he said with a laugh.

***

We got settled into our rooms and ate dinner, and then Lizzie and I got ready together in her and Seb's room after we kicked Seb out.

Luna was still glued to Tom's side. It was fine since she wasn't really working right now. I found that if I really needed her, she would find me even if she had wandered off a little bit.

I got dressed in the bathroom attached to this bedroom. When I came out, I felt like simultaneously pulling the dress up to cover up my cleavage and to also pull it down my legs more. It was a little lower cut than I was used to, and the hem was above my knees.

I had put a pair of tight cotton shorts on beneath the dress just in case, and I definitely planned on wearing the hoodie until I was more comfortable.

"You don't normally wear dresses?" Lizzie asked, sensing my discomfort.

"No," I said. "I've never been comfortable in them." Because James always told me I looked ugly in dresses. "I don't really like showing my legs or arms." Because James said I didn't have nice arms or legs. "I also have some scars so..." Because James had broken my arm that last time and it needed surgery to fix it. He'd also pushed me down the stairs once which broke my leg bad enough to need surgery...so more scars.

There were too many reminders on my body of what James had done to me.

"Scars or no scars, you look beautiful in that dress," Lizzie said as she helped me apply some make-up. I let her scrunch my hair with some product too, and decided to show off the shave part of my head by making the longer hair stay all on one side. I'd even put my contacts in.

On my feet, I wore a pair of low, black Chucks.

"You look so pretty too," I told her. She had put on an adorable black pinstripe jumpsuit that had a sleeveless top. Her hair was straightened to perfection and her make-up was perfect too.

She smiled at me as she finished up my make-up and hair. "There will be a bunch of cute, single guys here tonight," she told me.

I was quiet for a minute. "I think that...I may be ready to date again. But I'm scared."

Lizzie smiled sadly at me. "Look, I don't want to pry, and I know we haven't known each other long, but I feel like I know enough about you to say this. I know you've been hurt before."

I sighed. "Lizzie, that's literally the understatement of the century."

"I know. I don't know the extent of it, and I'm not asking you to tell me. I just...know that bad things have happened to you. I think that no matter what, it's going to be scary when you get back out there."

I nodded. "It's more than a simple fear of being terrified of a man hurting me...and I'm not talking about heartbreak. I am talking about verbal, mental and physical abuse. Unfortunately, that was my reality for 10 years of my life. It's been 3 years since I left him, but the scars...both physical and mental are there. I'm worried that someone will find out all the terrible things that have happened to me and run the other way. I'm worried they'll think that I'm too fucking broken inside to love. I'm too much work for someone to love me. And..." I laughed a humorless laugh. "I can't even think about having sex with someone. That's going to be horrible because the chances of me having a panic attack during it are gunna be pretty high." I slid on a few bangle bracelets and a crystal necklace along with a few rings on my fingers. "I don't know why I'm telling you this. I used to enjoy sex, but he ruined it. He ruined me. What if I can never enjoy sex again? How can anyone even be happy with me if they can't even fucking touch me?" I asked, raising my voice a little in frustration.

Lizzie was looking at me with a strained expression on her face.

"See what I mean? How is a guy going to react to all of that?"

She sighed and covered her face. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just...I don't think I could have survived what you went through. I can't believe you went through all of that." She took my hand in hers and squeezed it. "Look, I'm not saying dating is going to be easy. It's going to take some navigating. It's going to feel a lot like being thrown into the deep end of the pool with no ladder to get back out. But the right person will understand. You're an amazing human being. You really are. Someone is going to see all that darkness, and they're going to still see the light within you and help you find it too."

I hugged her, glad that I could consider her a friend. "Thank you. I forgot what having a girl friend was all about. That helped phenomenally." I put my hoodie on, leaving it unzipped, and looked at myself in the mirror to make sure I looked okay. I turned back to Lizzie. "Now...about these single men...who should I be looking out for?"

She grinned at me. "Mackie, Jeremy, Mark...Tom is single. I think Henry Cavill is coming." My eyes widened and she laughed. "Oh, yeah you like him, huh? He is stupidly attractive."

"He is, but I can't tell if I prefer him as is or with long, white hair and golden eyes."

She laughed harder, bending at the waist and holding her stomach. "Wow, I love you." Then she stood up and looked at me with an unreadable expression on her face. "I mean...Chris is single too."

I froze with my hand halfway up to my hair. I had been looking in the mirror one last time to make sure I looked okay. I turned toward her and tried my best to keep my face blank. "Yeah, but it's Chris. He's...I guess you could say he's my best friend." She was staring at me with an eyebrow raised. "He doesn't like me or seem like he's interested in me. Um, I mean not that I'm interested in him...just to be clear. He'd never like me like that anyway." Jesus, Dee, shut the fuck up. "We're just friends."

"Oh, I see. So you're just friends?"

"Yep. Friends. Just friends. Chris is a friend."

"Dee, are you trying to convince me or yourself right now?"

I looked away from her and sighed. "Lizzie, I can't. He's the first man who doesn't scare the shit out of me. There are moments where we're sitting and my arm brushes his... Or when we had to share a bed on Christmas Eve, and I woke up to him holding me because he did it automatically in his sleep. There was a moment where he tucked my hair back behind my ear. And for a second I think...what if...? But he's not interested. He keeps saying how he's my friend and blah blah."

"You mean just like how you spent literally 5 minutes saying you're his friend?" She gave me a look. "You do have feelings for him...don't you?"

I bit my lip. "Is it that obvious?"

She shook her head. "No. Not at all. You're hiding it very well, and he's a man so I'm sure he is completely oblivious. But Seb noticed how close you guys seem. He noticed it after spending only a few weekends with you both at the dog park."

I got teary-eyed, but held it back so I wouldn't ruin my make-up. I swallowed hard, but my voice cracked a little when I spoke. "I can't, Lizzie. I can't. Because if we date, and it doesn't work out and we break up...it's going to wreck me. Losing him from my life would completely shatter me again. I've just started picking the pieces back up with his help. He's helped me...more than I think anyone will ever know or realize...even he doesn't know how much. So, yes, I have feelings for him, but I am trying like a fucking son of a bitch not to."

"Chris would NEVER hurt you."

"I know. I know that...deep down, I do. But I can't take that chance. I can't be shattered again because I don't think I'll be able to recover a second time." I fanned my eyes and took a deep breath. "Please don't say anything to anyone. I don't ever want anyone to know...especially him."

"I promise I will never tell a soul. But eventually, you are going to have to confront your feelings. You can't keep pushing them away and shoving them under a rug. They're still there, Dee."

I shrugged. "Maybe if I start dating they'll go away," I said. "Look, can we please drop this? Let's go have fun. Introduce me to some dudes."

She nodded, but I could tell she was a little rattled by our conversation. "Alright, if you say so...let's go."

When we walked back out to the living room, I saw that a whole bunch of people had arrived.

Chris came out of the crowd and gave me a huge smile that made my heart skip a beat.

Lizzie gave me a look, and I turned to her and cringed. She raised her eyebrows at me, and I shook my head at her.

Chris got to us then and glanced between us both. "You guys okay? You look like you had an entire conversation in complete silence just now."

I was about to say something, but Lizzie cut me off.

"I was just telling Dee a few minutes ago that maybe she's ready to start dating again. I told her there would be plenty of single guys here tonight she could chat with," she said, watching his face very closely to see what his reaction to that would be.

Even I couldn't miss the smile on his face faltering a little. But it was only a second before the smile was back...but it didn't quite reach his eyes all the way. "Oh yeah, you're right. We'll introduce you to everyone, Dee," Chris said. "Come on. I'll bring you around to meet everyone." And then he turned to go back toward the group.

"Lizzie," I hissed, my voice very low so no one could hear. "Please stop. Please. I can't do this tonight."

She sighed. "I'm sorry. You're right. It's not my business."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did you guys think? I love that Dee and Lizzie are becoming closer! Andddddddd what do we think about what they talked about?
> 
> Will Dee go out with one of the other guys orrrrrrrrrr................
> 
> Comments, please!


	9. Hearing things you don't want to hear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dee gets to know Chris's friends a little bit better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyyyyy. So a few things...
> 
> 1st) I have NEVER smoked pot a day in my damn life so...I realize I have NO clue what the hell I'm even talking about. Literally flying by the seat of my pants with it. Sorry!! Please forgive me!
> 
> And 2nd)...and this one is important... I wrote this story over a year ago, long before Chadwick passed away. Once I heard he passed, I was torn whether or not to leave him in this or not. He doesn't have a major part, but my heart was a bit broken. Ultimately, I decided to leave it as is.
> 
> Thanks, everyone! Hope you're all well!! And I really appreciate all the love this story is getting so far. I hope you continue to love it!

We followed Chris, and I got introduced to Robert, Mackie, Jeremy, Mark, Henry, Scarlett, Paul Rudd, Chadwick Boseman, and Brie Larson. Henry was kind of the odd man out, but Lizzie had told me after I met everyone that Henry was good friends with Chris and Tom. Chris's brother Scott and his boyfriend Billy were here too so I felt better knowing more than just Chris, Seb and Lizzie.

It wasn't really a wild party like I had been thinking it would be. There was music and drinking, but mostly they were catching up with each other and just having fun.

I was really uncomfortable at first, especially because I don't drink. I was finding it very hard to open up, relax and have fun. But then, thankfully, someone brought out some weed. I was definitely okay with that. When my panic attacks got really bad or if I was really trying to feel normal, I'd smoke a little to feel better.

I took a few hits, sharing one with Chris and Lizzie, and we kept passing it around until it was finished.

"Oh, man," I said, already starting to feel better. "I fucking needed that." I was sitting on the couch between Chris and Lizzie, and Chris had his arm on the back of the couch behind me so he was sitting pretty close.

"I didn't know you smoked," Chris said.

I turned to him and leaned my head on his arm. "I didn't know you did either. I smoke when I can. It helps take the edge off after really bad...um episodes. Plus, it helps me feel as close to normal as ever so..." I shrugged and put my feet up on the coffee table.

"Whoa," I heard Chadwick say from across the room. "Dee, that's a gnarly scar on your leg," he said, pointing to my thigh, making everyone else zero in.

I shared a look with Lizzie. "See? I can't wear dresses," I told her, rolling my eyes. Normally a comment like that would have really bugged me, but since I was high it didn't affect me as much.

"Dude," Chris snapped at Chadwick. "Do you not have a fucking filter?"

I nudged Chris. "It's fine." I looked at Chadwick and pulled my dress up more, showing him the whole scar.

"What the hell did you do?" Paul Rudd asked.

"Broken leg. Needed surgery to fix it. It was real bad so....bad scar," I answered.

"How did you break your leg?" Henry asked.

"Guys, let it go," Chris warned.

I sat there collecting my thoughts, feeling Luna press against my legs. She had been being a cute little diva all night and flirting with all the boys. I guess she didn't mind men when I felt comfortable around them. I reached down and pet her, trying to decide what to do here and how to answer. And everyone was waiting for an answer, I realized, after looking up to see them all looking at me. I sighed. "God, what did I do that time? Um. I think I fucked up and told him to go to hell so I got pushed down the stairs." Everyone froze and stared at me in shock. "Yeah, newsflash, ex-husband used to beat me. It's why I'm so fucked up." I said it so nonchalantly that even Chris was giving me a strange look. "Well, it's true," I said to Chris. "You already know this."

"Jesus," Robert said. "Is the douchebag in jail, at least?"

"Nope. Because he's a cop and no one believed me until I left him and he got caught stalking me." I looked at Chadwick. "I've got a worse scar than that. Wanna see?"

"Dee," Chris said, trying to stop me from getting up from my seat.

"Hey, if I'm gunna make friends, I gotta start talking about it more. I can't keep letting it wreck me." I stood up and walked closer to Chadwick and lifted my dress into the air. "Chill out," I said with a laugh to Robert who started to look away. "I got shorts on." I pulled the dress up and pulled the shorts down a little to show him the horrible scar I had shown Chris on Christmas Eve.

Chadwick visibly flinched, and I saw a few jaws drop. "I don't know if I should even ask what happened."

I pulled my clothes back into place. "That is a story I'm not ready to share."

I sat back down by Chris and everyone was quiet. "Guys, don't let it ruin the fun. I'm telling you so you know. I'm certifiably fucked up. So you're gunna have to forgive the erratic behavior and weird shyness. I would not even be talking this much if I weren't high."

"Well then tell us something happy about you because that was a whole lotta fucked up," Jeremy said. "What do you do?"

"I'm a children's librarian. I run the children's department and plan all of the storytime programs."

"You're a children's librarian?" Mackie asked, sounding shocked. "You don't look like a librarian."

"What do I look like?" I asked.

Mackie shrugged. "Not a librarian. You're so..."

"Punk. Emo. Nerd. And a little goth?"

Mackie laughed. "Yeah, all of the above. You look like you spend your days listening to heavy metal...not like singing little kiddy songs to 4-year-olds."

I laughed. "Guess what? I can do both!"

"No way," Seb said. "I'm calling your bluff. You do not listen to metal. Who's your favorite?"

I rolled my eyes. "I don't know why you don't believe me, but Fozzy is my favorite."

"Who the fuck is that?" Seb asked.

"Oohhh," Jeremy said. "That's a nice choice. Are you a wrestling fan too?"

"Fuck yeah. Chris Jericho is my favorite heel," I told him.

"Who is Chris Jericho and what does he have to do with Fozzy?" Seb asked. "I'm totally lost."

"Chris Jericho is a wrestler and his band is called Fozzy. He's the lead singer," I explained.

"Wow. You're an interesting individual," Henry said.

"Um...is that a compliment?"

He smiled his damn adorable dimpled smile. "Yeah. I've just never met a woman who is into wrestling and heavy metal, but who also probably knows all the words to every nursery rhyme."

I laughed hard. "That sounds wild when you put it like that."

"Okay but listen...I have a question," Mackie said. "Can you dance?" He plugged his phone into a big speaker Tom had on the counter and music started playing again.

"No, I actually can't. I have the hips, but I don't have the rhythm. These hips, in fact, do lie," I said, laughing at my own stupid joke.

"I can teach you," Mackie said.

I made a face. "I already made a big enough idiot of myself tonight, Mackie. Maybe next time."

He pouted at me. "Aww. That's no fun though."

The party started moving along again, and we were just chatting away and having fun. Chris slipped away, I noticed, but I didn't know where he'd gone.

Jeremy came up to me and sat down next to me. "You wanna go out on the balcony and check out the view?" he asked.

I smiled. "Sure. Let me just go put leggings on so I don't get too cold. And your job is to find more weed while I'm gone. Deal?"

He grinned. "Deal."

I got up and walked to the room I was sharing with Chris and opened the door. I was shocked to see Chris sitting on the bed with Brie. They hadn't been doing anything, but they had been sitting pretty close.

"Shit. Sorry," I muttered. "Just grabbing pants." I grabbed my bag and frantically ripped out a pair of fleece-lined black leggings.

"It's alright, Dee," Chris tried to assure me, but I was already practically running out the door.

"Nope. It's cool. Sorry again." I slammed the door shut and went to the public bathroom to put the pants on under the dress as well as use it.

Okay. That had stung a little too much. I probably walked in on them about to kiss or something worse. Shit.

I really do have feelings for Chris because that fucking hurt.

I walked back out to the party and Jeremy was waiting by the balcony doors for me. I zipped my hoodie up and put the hood up as we went outside. It wasn't freezing out...probably maybe in the mid-40s which was warm for December. Jeremy and I leaned on the thick bannister of the balcony and looked out over the city.

"This is fucking beautiful," I said as he lit up a joint for us to share.

He took a hit first and then handed it to me. "It really is. Wait till you see the ball drop in....like an hour or so. It's really cool." I took a long drag and handed it back to him. "So tell me more about Dee."

"What do you want to know?" I asked, noticing he was standing very close to me.

"Whatever you want to tell me." We kept rotating the joint between us.

"I'm divorced. It's just me and Luna. She is actually my service dog for PTSD and anxiety and depression. Um...I like metal and rock, but also randomly rap and hip hop. I love reading, watching TV, watching movies, and...being as active as possible. I do self-defense and kick-boxing."

"And you like wrestling."

"Yeah, but AEW is my favorite. I don't like the others."

"You'd like Dave Bautista if you met him. Too bad he isn't here."

"This is gunna sound weird but Dave would probably scare the shit out of me."

"Why?" Jeremy asked.

"My ex-husband looked a lot like that. Really tall, really muscular, and practically bald." I shivered, more at the bad memory than from the cold, and Jeremy got closer until the line of his body touched mine. I looked over at him, and his face was only inches from mine. "What else do you want to know?"

"Have you dated anyone since your divorce? It took me a while to start dating again after my own divorce. I haven't even been in a relationship since then and that was 5 years ago. I've just kind of been dating around."

"I left him 3 years ago, and our divorce was finalized a year ago. I met him in college, and before that, I had dated around kind of a lot because I wasn't really sure what I wanted. I was with James for 10 years. 10 years of hell. I'm still trying to glue the pieces back together. I haven't dated anyone since. I mean...it's literally just been me by myself with Luna. I don't have family, and I didn't have any friends."

"But then Chris found you in the dog park."

"Yeah, and I'm glad. I need to start living my life again...and he's helped push me forward. Baby steps. I'm taking baby steps. But...I need to start dating again. I think it's time. I'm just scared shitless."

"Not every man is a piece of shit like your ex," Jeremy said.

"Deep down, and realistically, I do know that. But Jeremy," I turned my whole body to face him and leaned my elbow on the concrete ledge of the balcony. "I'm fucked up. I'm legitimately fucked up. I need a service dog to traverse through life. I see a psychiatrist more than once a week. I take a lot of medicine. I'm completely broken inside. And, here is a kicker that every man will want to hear. I can't have kids...and I mean CAN'T. Who is going to want to deal with any of that?"

Jeremy turned toward me, and he was so close I could smell the faint scent of cologne on him and the detergent on his shirt. "The right person will not care about your past. The right person will care about your present and your future."

The wind picked up and my hood almost fell off, but Jeremy grabbed it with his hand and pulled it back into place. My heart started pounding as his hand gently dropped to my shoulder and ran down my arm.

"You just need to get out there and start dating. Just go out once with a few guys and see what happens."

"You're right."

He smiled. "I feel a 'but' there." He looked straight at me for a minute. "Okay. I think I know. The 'but' here is...I'm right and you want to start dating, BUT you have feelings for Chris."

I turned away from Jeremy and looked back out at the city. "Why does everyone keep saying that?"

"That wasn't an answer, but it's answer enough."

"Chris doesn't like me so it doesn't matter."

"What makes you say that?"

"Because he doesn't. We're just friends which he makes abundantly clear. He freaked out when we slept in the same bed and he accidentally held me. He's in there right now in a room with Brie-"

"Wait....what? Were they having sex?"

"Well...no."

"Kissing?"

"No..." I cut him off this time. "But they were sitting close and it looked like there might be something."

"Sounds like an excuse."

I turned back to him, almost a little mad. "Did Lizzie talk to you? She promised she wouldn't tell anyone." I crossed my arms. "I can't have feelings for him. I CAN'T. Because if he doesn't like me....or if we date and break up or whatever...if it caused me to lose him, I would be shattered. And I don't think I could recover from that again. He has helped me in ways that no one....not even him...will ever know. I can't lose that." My voice cracked and I couldn't stop a tear from escaping my eye. "Damnit," I said, wiping quickly at my face.

There was a scratching noise at the door seconds before it opened and Luna came barreling outside to my side. She pressed herself against my legs and whined.

"She was whining and crying at- Hey, are you okay?" Chris asked, catching me wipe at my face. When he realized I was crying, he glared at Jeremy. "Jeremy, you fucking better not have-"

"Jeremy didn't do anything, Chris. He just...made me realize something I didn't want to admit," I said, reaching down to pet Luna.

Chris was glaring at Jeremy still, clearly not believing me. And Jeremy was glaring back at Chris.

I rolled my eyes and left them there to go back inside with Luna. I put her in her gear and hooked her to her leash.

"Want some company?" Henry asked as I grabbed the dog poop bags and shoved them in my pocket.

"Sure," I said.

"The ball drops in an hour!" Tom yelled to us as we walked out of the apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So.......what did you guys think?? Anyone else thought Jeremy would ask her out?
> 
> I DID!
> 
> Seriously!
> 
> When I was writing this I was convinced she would at least go on a date with him...but as these things go...the story kinda just took off and I had to sit there and let it happen.
> 
> Comments give me lifeeee!!! <3


	10. Toss a coin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dee goes on a walk with Henry and goes back to Tom's party to watch the ball drop. When Chris and Dee get ready for bed, Chris can tell something is up with Dee.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helloooooo!!!
> 
> This has been like the longest week ever. I keep thinking that I'm forgetting to post! If I ever miss a week...someone slap me!
> 
> Hope you enjoy it!

We got in the elevator and made our way down to the back of the building to walk Luna since the front was so crowded with people.

"Are you alright?" Henry asked me after a few minutes of me not talking. I was keeping my hood up. I was still high, but it was fading and was quickly being replaced by anxiety.

"Not really."

"Did Jeremy say something to upset you? You were out there for quite a while. I actually thought he was going to ask you out."

I laughed as Luna sniffed around for a spot to do her business. "You know...I did too. I even might have said yes."

"But he didn't," Henry observed. "Mackie made hints at asking you out too."

I was quiet. "You know, I came into this night very open-minded. I even asked Lizzie to point the way to the single guys." I picked up Luna's poop and threw it into the nearest dumpster. I used my hand sanitizer quickly as we started to slowly make our way back to the building.

"You have definitely piqued the interest of some of the guys."

I glanced at him. "That's fabulous," I said sarcastically. "Especially since now that I said I was ready to date...after tonight I don't know what the fuck I want."

Henry was about to say something when my phone went off, loudly, and I blushed as 'Toss a Coin to Your Witcher' played loudly through the silent entryway of the building.

"Holy shit," I groaned. "How fucking embarrassing." Henry just laughed as I dug my phone out of my pocket. It was Lizzie.

'I know I said I would drop this but...Chris is definitely jealous.'

I sighed as I read the text, and Henry raised an eyebrow at me as we went into the elevator. "It's nothing," I said. "I forgot how hard it is to have friends. They tend to have a knack for reminding you of things you don't want to hear. I'm sorry...what were you saying?"

"Back to your comment of not knowing what the fuck you want...I was going to say... Do you really not know what you want or is it more like you figured out what you want but are ignoring every instinct you have?"

I blinked at him. "What?"

He smiled as we got to the hallway of Tom's apartment. "Look, you're beautiful. You're an extremely unique individual, and when the night first started, I thought I would be asking you out by the end of the night too, but I'd be a fool if I ignored the obvious. Even a blind man could see the way you and Chris look at each other."

I stopped right at Tom's door and whirled on Henry. "Does every fucking person on the planet know that I have feelings for him when I've only just admitted it to myself? God, I'm so stupid! You are the 3rd person who's said it tonight. Look, he doesn't like me. He doesn't! Obviously, there's something with Brie and him from what I saw earlier, and while I may have feelings for him, I can't. I have to push it away. I can't lose him from my life right now."

"I understand that you've been hurt badly, but you can't keep pushing everyone away...or your feelings for that matter."

"Henry, you know what, I'm sorry but you don't fucking know anything about me so stop standing there pretending like you do," I snapped, opening the door to go back in before he could say anything else.

The party was loud with music and laughter.

I unhooked Luna from her harness and leash, and walked to the room I was staying in. Thankfully, the door was open this time and no one was in there. I put Luna's gear away, put her sweater on her, grabbed a throw blanket from the foot of the bed, and went back to the party.

I slipped back out to the balcony with Luna following me and shut the door. It was cold, but it was peaceful for the time being. I sat on a chair in the corner, Luna jumped on my lap, and I put the blanket over us both and held her.

We had a perfect view of where the ball would drop, and there was only about half an hour until it did. I'd wait to see the ball drop and hear the midnight celebration, but after that, I was going right to bed.

I was well and truly done with this night. My socialization level was overflowing, and this was beginning to be too much for me.

The silence was short-lived though as within minutes the rest of the party was coming out to watch the ball drop too. Lizzie and Seb came to sit in chairs on either side of me.

"Are you okay?" Lizzie whispered.

"No."

"What happened? Did Jeremy ask you out? Did Henry?"

I shook my head. "No. It seems you aren't the only one to pick up on...what we talked about earlier," I said very quietly but knew Seb could hear.

"So now what?" Lizzie asked.

I sighed, feeling so frustrated. "So now what nothing," I hissed, trying not to be an outright bitch, but failing. "Look at him. He obviously is into Brie." Chris and Brie were standing together about 20 feet away. They were standing close and talking quietly.

Seb actually laughed loudly causing everyone to look over at us.

Lizzie and I glared at him.

"Can you shut the fuck up?" I hissed.

Seb kept laughing.

"I'm gunna kill him," Lizzie whispered.

Seb finally calmed down, but thankfully everyone looked away because there were only 10 minutes left now until midnight. "Sorry," Seb said in a low voice. "I just thought that was funny. He doesn't like Brie."

"How do you know?"

"I'm his best friend. I know everything. Plus, Brie doesn't like men."

I gaped at Seb and Lizzie. "What?"

"He's right," Lizzie told me.

"Shit. I was jealous..."

"You were," she whispered.

"This changes nothing," I said in a low voice. "It can't. I told you-"

"I heard you loud and clear. Still think it's bullshit."

"Yeah, I wasn't there for the conversation earlier, but I'm pretty sure it's bullshit too," Seb added.

"Guys, please. Drop it. I can't do another deep analysis of myself tonight. I'm done. If I didn't want to see the ball drop so bad, I'd go to bed now."

"But-"

I cut Seb off. "Fucking drop it."

I knew a few people close to us heard that last bit, but I ignored everyone and hugged Luna close as the countdown to midnight began.

1 minute...30 seconds...10 seconds...

The world exploded around us with noise like I'd never heard forming from the crowd and fireworks going off all over the city. The ball dropping had been beautiful, but now I was freezing.

We all trooped back inside. I sat on the couch with Luna and put the blanket back over us.

I must have started nodding off because next thing I knew, Chris was gently shaking me awake.

"Come on, let's get you to bed," he said.

"You don't have to come if you want to stay out here."

He shook his head. "Nah. I'm ready for bed too. Everyone else started going to their rooms."

I looked to see that there were only a few people left. It was close to 1 AM now.

Luna jumped off me and yawned, stretching her body out on the ground.

"I just need to grab two water bottles," I said with a yawn.

"I'll get it. Go to our room. I'll be right there."

I nodded and waved at Tom, Seb, Lizzie and Jeremy since they were the only ones left out here. I went to our room, set up Luna's dog bowls with some food and water from the bathroom sink. I used the bathroom, brushed my teeth, and changed into my pajamas which consisted of black leggings, a sports bra, and a baggy t-shirt.

Chris was in the room with the door shut when I came out of the bathroom and he handed me the 2 waters.

"Thanks," I muttered as he went to the bathroom next to change.

I downed half of one bottle, put them both on my nightstand on my side of the bed, the side furthest from the door, and I set my glasses down as well. I untucked the blankets and got into bed, glad that this bed was a queen size and would give me a little bit of space from him.

Luna jumped up and laid next to me, effectively creating a barrier between Chris and me. It was perfect actually.

Chris finished up in the bathroom and then turned off the lights in our room before slipping into bed. He'd left a small light on in the bathroom for me with the door partially open because he knew I didn't like complete darkness. He knew me so well it made my heart ache.

We were facing each other with Luna curled between us, and Chris was looking at me, searching my eyes for something but I don't know what.

"Everyone really likes you. You did great tonight, and you looked like you had a lot of fun at first...but then something changed. What happened?" he asked. "Did Jeremy or Henry ask you out?" I could tell the thought of that as a possibility angered him by the way his jaw tightened as he asked.

"No," I whispered. "I did have fun, and I really liked everyone. I really do. I thought Jeremy was going to ask me out. Honestly, I would have said yes." His eyes got sad. "But then we had a long talk, and then Henry and I talked...then Lizzie, Seb and I. And Lizzie and I talked before the party... None of them are going to ask me out, so you don't have to worry."

"What do you mean? I heard Mackie tell Tom he was going to go for it. And I saw the way Henry and Jeremy were looking at you."

"Well, I don't know about Mackie but the other two...let's just say they helped me see something within myself that I wasn't necessarily ready to see."

"And this something...made you sad."

"Yes," I whispered quietly. "Chris, can we just drop this for tonight? Please? I'm tired. I'm so tired, and I just want to have a fun weekend here in the city."

He definitely looked like he didn't want to drop it, but he nodded and turned toward the door so his back was facing me.

I sighed and hugged Luna close, and eventually drifted off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did we think????
> 
> (FYI I know nothing of Brie's actual sexual orientation so...please don't be upset)
> 
> Comments pleaseeee!!! They keep me sane.....sort of...


	11. An "almost" kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dee wakes up from nightmares and Chris helps her through it. She talks to him about the night she left her ex, and then they have breakfast with the rest of the gang.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: This chapter has rape mentions! PLEASE DO NOT IGNORE THIS! I do not want to trigger anyone at all.
> 
> Anyway...now that I made sure I mentioned that...
> 
> I really love this chapter and hope all of you do too. Sorry this is a few days later than normal. It was a crazy week.
> 
> For those of you who celebrate...HAVE A HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

I dreamt of the night I left James, and I woke up sitting straight up in bed and gasping for air. My heart was pounding in my chest, and I felt a hand touch my arm and panicked.

I was about to scream when Chris said, "It's just me," in a very soft voice. "It's just me...it's Chris. You're okay. You're safe."

I shut my eyes tight and then opened them. I swallowed hard and looked around the room. The light was shining brightly through the thin curtains in the room. I smelled soap and turned to see Chris had just come out of the shower. He had pants on but was shirtless with water dripping down his chest.

"I walked Luna, and when we got back you were still sleeping so I showered. But when I got out I heard you yelling in your sleep. Are you okay?"

Luna was pressing against me and whining. My heart was still pounding with fear. I shook my head and laid back down, facing toward the windows. Luna crawled to the front of my body and pressed her head under my chin so I could hold her to me. I took a few deep breaths, trying to chase off the panic attack.

Chris got behind me on the bed, and he pressed the front of his body against the back of mine, spooning me. "Is this okay?"

"Yes," I whispered.

The warmth of his body enveloped me, and his arm slid around my body slowly, as if trying not to scare me.

"Tell me 5 things you can see," Chris whispered close to my ear.

I took a deep, shaky breath. "Luna. The curtains. Sunlight. The nightstand. Water bottles."

"Good," he said, repositioning himself against me as he started rubbing up and down my arm. "4 things you can touch. Touch them while you name them."

I took another big breath. "Luna. The pillow. The sheets. My t-shirt."

"Good. Now 3 things you can hear."

Another big breath. "Luna's breathing. Your voice. And...people going past our door."

"Okay now, 2 things you can smell."

"Luna's dog breath." He laughed. "And your soap from the shower," I whispered.

He kept running his hand up and down my arm. "Last one. 1 thing you can taste."

I smiled against my pillow. "Dog hair."

He laughed. "Did that help? Did it go away?"

I turned to lay on my back, and his face was inches from mine. He leaned his head up on his hand, his elbow on his pillow. "Yeah. Thank you."

His other hand dropped from rubbing my arm, but I picked it back up. I placed his hand on my stomach and sort of loosely held it with both of my hands. Luna was asleep next to me, and I was still pressed up against Chris's shirtless body.

"Do you want to talk about your dream?"

I laid there for a minute, absentmindedly running my fingers over the back of his hand and up his forearm. "It was the night I left."

"That night was bad, I'm guessing, or you wouldn't be so scared by it."

I looked into Chris's eyes. "He was raping me." Chris cringed. "Luna was locked outside and trying to get in to protect me. He always locked her in a different room or outside before he would...hurt me. He never threatened to hurt her, but that night something in him snapped. He told me he'd kill her right in front of me." Chris's hand clenched in a tight fist on my stomach, but I eased it back open and laced our fingers together. "I couldn't let that happen. I...I don't even know what came over me. I was already partially on the counter, and I was able to get up to my knees on top of it. He was so tall. I braced myself and head-butt him as hard as I possibly could. Boy did that fucking hurt."

I paused to look back into Chris's eyes for a second. "I don't know how it worked, but it did. He immediately let go of me, and I turned to see the blood gushing from his nose. He was screaming at me, and he turned to get a towel. I knew I had to get him incapacitated or I'd never have a chance of getting out. I hit him on the back of the head with a vase. I don't even remember how I reached that high. I feel like I blacked out or something. He didn't go down, but he grabbed his head in pain and turned toward me to hit me. I punched him in the face so hard that I screamed in pain. But he went down hard. He smacked his head against the floor. I stood there wide-eyed. I thought...I thought he split his head open and I didn't even care if he died. I really didn't. I didn't check his pulse or anything. I got the fuck out of there. I grabbed nothing but clothes to put on, my purse, my phone and Luna. He had broken my left arm while raping me...and I had definitely broken my hand by punching him in the face. It was agony to drive."

"Where did you go?"

"I had nowhere to go. I pulled into a bank parking lot and I used my phone to allow me to pull out more money than normal from the ATM. I took out all of the money in my bank account. His name wasn't on it, but I knew he would find a way to freeze it or something because he had access to all of my information. I found pieces of paper in my car, and I wrote down as much information in my phone as I could before I broke it and threw it away. He could track my phone...he'd done it before."

"What about your car?" 

"He had a tracking device on that too. And the car was in his name. I took a tote bag out of the trunk, packed my stuff from my car, and left it there with the keys in it. I didn't want him to say I'd stolen it."

"Jesus Christ, Dee," he said, making me look into his eyes again.

"I went to the women's shelter. I'd known where it was for a long time. I always made sure I knew. I walked 3 miles there with Luna. It was nighttime. They didn't usually take someone in with dogs, but when they saw the shape I was in, they didn't turn me away." Tears started running down my face. "One of the workers had a dog...so she took Luna into her home while I was hospitalized for my injuries. After that, I started the biggest fight of my entire life. He didn't let me go easily, but Women's Resources was behind me every step of the way."

"I'm sorry," Chris said, untangling his hand from mine to wipe the tears off my face.

"You know the movie 'Enough'? The one with Jennifer Lopez."

"Yeah."

"That was my life. No matter where I went, he found me. He told me he'd always find me...that there was nowhere I could hide. I always stayed in small apartments with roommates from the women's shelter figuring he might not hurt me around other people...because then there'd be witnesses. He was so good at talking his way out of everything in court. I kept my job, but barely. I had to keep moving, and no one understood."

Chris didn't say anything, but we just looked at each other for a minute.

"I'm still scared he'll find me. That's why I'm not on any social media. That's why I always ask you not to post pictures of us. I forgot last night...I hope no one took pictures."

He shook his head. "I asked them not to. I didn't tell them why, but then when you started talking about your scars and what James did...they understood why."

"I don't want him to find me."

"He'd be stupid to try with the restraining order on him."

I shook my head. "He's vindictive. Vengeful. An asshole. What's his is his..."

Chris grabbed my hands again. "I'm not gunna let that happen." And before I realized what he was doing, he lifted my hand to his mouth and kissed the back of it gently. I don't think he realized what he was doing at first either.

Both of us froze.

"Chris," I gasped out, feeling the electric shock of his lips on my skin all the way down to my toes.

"I'm sorry," he said, mouth still pressed against my hand.

My heart beat fast in my chest. "Don't be."

Our eyes met, and his face started leaning down toward mine. My heart pounded in my chest....but, not from fear.

And then there was a knock on my door. "You guys want some food?" Tom asked. "It's ready."

I sighed and Chris leaned his forehead against mine. My heart was still pounding.

Luna licked both of our faces, and I sat up in bed. I looked down at Chris, wishing I could take a picture of him with no shirt. He wasn't quite as muscular as he'd been in the Marvel movies, but he still was in amazing shape. The thing I liked most was that he actually had hair on his chest and didn't shave it. There was also hair on his abdomen that led to...

I blushed and scooted off the bed. "I'm going to shower first before I eat. We're not on a schedule with tattoos and piercings today are we?"

"Nope. Josh said to call him when we were ready. He'd make an opening for us. Go ahead and shower. I'll take care of Luna."

"Okay," I said. I gathered what I needed for the bathroom and quickly got ready.

I dressed in a pair of dark skinny jeans that fit me like a glove with a girl's Metallica tank top and a teal and black plaid flannel shirt worn open over it. I put on my black Converse again, curled my hair with a little gel, and even added a bit of make-up.

For some reason, I was feeling more confident today than I had in a while. I knew I made the right choice in outfit when I walked out and Lizzie's eyes widened in surprise and she gave me two big thumbs up behind all the guys' backs.

Everyone was sitting around a huge dining room table and eating what looked like mountains of food.

"Wow is there any food left for me?" I asked, standing by the empty chair next to Chris.

All the guys looked up at me, and Chris dropped his fork with a clang on his plate.

"Um. Yeah. Uh...there's..." Chris cleared his throat and kicked Seb under the table who coughed out a laugh. "There's plenty. I made your coffee for you. It's on the counter in a thermal mug."

I nodded and turned to go get it. Lizzie practically ran from the dining room to meet me in the kitchen. The two rooms were open and attached, so she whispered as she said, "You look amazing. More than one jaw dropped at your outfit choice."

"Is it too much?" I asked, tugging on the tight tank top and making sure there wasn't too much cleavage.

"No! You look...you look radiant. Did you sleep well?"

"No. I had nightmares, but Chris held me and let me talk it out. I just...I feel better than I have in a long time and really confident in myself this morning."

She squeezed my hand and got me a dish for food. "He held you?"

I lowered my voice. "He helped me stop a panic attack, and then just laid with me while I talked." I leaned closer to her. "I'm so confused though. I think he almost kissed me."

"No way!" she nearly shouted, causing everyone to look at us. I glared at her.

"You guys have something you want to share?" Seb asked.

"Not with you," I said with a sarcastic smile and flipped him off, making several people laugh.

I elbowed Lizzie in the ribs softly, pleading with her to be quiet as I filled my plate with food. I took some eggs, bacon, hashbrowns and buttered toast. I grabbed my coffee and made my way back to my seat next to Chris where there was a fork waiting for me.

The only ones left from last night were me, Chris, Lizzie, Seb, Tom (obviously), Mackie, Jeremy and Henry. Everyone else had left early or even last night.

I started eating and felt Chris looking at me. I turned toward him. "What?"

"I just...nothing. I didn't know you like Metallica."

"I love Metallica," I told him with a shy smile.

He grinned at me, making my heart skip a beat. "Me too."

I went back to eating and sipping my coffee when my phone went off, signaling it was time for me to take my medicine. "Be right back." I went back to my room to take them, and when I came back, Chris was glaring at Seb.

"Seb, shut the fuck up about it," he warned his friend.

"What'd I miss?" I asked as I sat back down.

"Just Seb being an asshole," Chris muttered.

"He's only saying that because he knows I'm right," Seb said with a shrug, and then cursed as Chris kicked him hard again. "Ow! Fuck you, man. Why do I even sit across from you?"

I rolled my eyes and looked over at Henry who was on my other side. "Hey," I said to him, making me look up from his plate at me.

Henry gave me one of those damn dimpled adorable smiles. "Hi."

"Sorry I was kind of a bitch last night. I get cranky when the high wears off."

"Actually, you don't have to apologize to me. I should be apologizing to you. I...overstepped," Henry said.

"Yes, you did, but I was also a bitch, and I'm sorry. You were right."

His eyebrows raised in surprise. "Well, I am sorry regardless...it wasn't any of my business."

I smiled at Henry. "It's okay. You were right. I can't keep pushing it away."

"Wow, a woman just told me I'm right twice in one day. Did you all hear that? Did anyone get it on tape?" Henry asked the rest of the guys.

I rolled my eyes. "Don't push your luck, Cavill. I can, and will, kick your ass."

Again his eyebrows raised. "Now that I would pay to see," he said, and reached over to try and grab my bacon off my plate. I grabbed his hand so fast he didn't even see it and I pulled his arm up and over our heads.

He tried to get out of the hold, and he really could have if he wanted to, but I definitely gave him a good fight.

"You were saying?" I teased. "Don't take my food," I threatened. I let go of his arm and ate my bacon, and the rest of the room burst into laughter.

"Shit," Mackie said. "Where did you learn that? I've never seen reflexes like that."

"I take self-defense twice a week, and take kickboxing two to 3 times a week. Don't fuck with me," I said, though there was definitely a joking tone to my voice.

We finished breakfast, and then Chris and I got ready to leave.

"You guys are going to get tattoos from Josh?" Jeremy asked.

"Yeah. It's her Christmas present from me. A tattoo and a piercing," Chris answered.

Jeremy's eyes widened with interest. "What are you going to get?"

"I'm having a hard time deciding. I was thinking of getting my nipples pierced," I said.

Chris choked on his mouthful of coffee, and I heard some of the other guys’ cough to cover up laughs.

Jeremy laughed hard. "You are joking right?"

I rolled my eyes and poked Chris in the stomach. "No. I already have my nipples pierced. I was thinking further south..." I trailed off and then burst into laughter.

Chris laughed and hugged me to him. "You're fucking hilarious. You ready?"

I nodded and we said bye to everyone, put on our jackets, got Luna in her service dog gear, and left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did you guys think?
> 
> I really love how their relationship is starting to develop and how Dee is starting to...blossom into her own skin I guess you could call it.
> 
> Comments please!! THEY GIVE ME LIFEEEEE!!!!!


	12. Tattoos, piercings, and girls' night out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chris and Dee spend the day together and then Lizzie suggests a girls' night out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all. Hope everyone had a nice holiday! This chapter isn't spectacular or anything...which makes me feel like I should update again this week at some point and be nice lol. So I may do that! ❤

It was a beautiful day, but since it was a little cold we took a cab to Josh's shop 'East Side Ink' which was about 15 blocks away.

We got to the shop, and Josh greeted Chris like they were old friends. I know Josh had been tattooing Chris for a few years. I knew Chris had a bunch of tattoos, but I hadn't seen them all.

"Josh, this is Dee. She's the one I got the certificate for," Chris introduced.

Josh held out his hand to me. "It's nice to meet you. Chris said you're looking to get tattooed and pierced."

I shook his hand. "Hi. Also, this is Luna, my service dog. I promise she won't get in the way. Chris will hold her while I'm in the chair."

Josh smiled down at Luna. "That's fine. So what are we thinking? Piercing first?"

I nodded and Josh led us into a private room in the back that was a big office. He shut the door so we could have privacy, and I realized he must tattoo a lot of celebrities.

I gave Luna's leash to Chris and looked at the different piercings pictured on the wall. "I can't decide..."

"Didn't you say you wanted your nose pierced?" Chris asked, coming up behind me to look at the pictures.

"Yeah, but...I'm torn between that or...my belly button. Is that silly? A 33 year old woman getting her belly button pierced? I mean not like I'm going to like go out in a bikini or anything, but maybe it will help me with the scar."

"Well, first off, you could wear a bikini. Have you seen yourself? Scars or not. Fuck what other people think. If a belly button piercing helps you gain confidence in yourself, do it. Hell...do both piercings. I'll pay for it. This day is about you."

I blushed. "Okay," I said.

He raised his eyebrows. "You're agreeing that easily?"

I laughed and pushed at his chest. "Shut up."

Josh came over then. "Belly button and nose?" I nodded. He looked at my face. "How about the right nostril? We do a post first, but once it heals, you can switch out a ring. You kind of strike me as more of a nose ring kind of person. I'll give you a ring to switch it out with once it heals. What color for your belly button....black?"

I laughed at Josh. "How the hell can you know all that by looking at me?"

"So I was right? Awesome. I'm getting better at this psychic thing," he teased. "Just a guess really."

He instructed me to sit on the table. I took off my jacket and flannel and handed them to Chris who sat on the couch next to my purse with Luna at his feet.

Josh chatted away to me about my other piercings. I had 3 piercings in each ear lobe, 2 helix (cartilage) piercings on my left ear and 1 on my right, my left also had an orbital piercing, and lastly, my right had a tragus piercing.

Josh pierced my right nostril first, and then he lifted my shirt to do my belly button. "I heard you say scar before...is this what you were talking about?" he asked, pointing toward the top of my pants where just a little bit of the scar was sticking up from my pants on my left side.

I let him finish the piercing and then unbuttoned my pants and shimmied them down a little. "This is the whole scar," I explained.

"Holy shit," he said, bending closer to look at it. "What the fuck did you do?"

"Fell on one of those black garden fences with the points...the iron ones." I bit my lip. "I know it's bad, but...do you think it could be covered with a tattoo?"

Josh stood up straight. "It would be tough, but I think it would be doable. I just worry it will hurt you too bad if-"

"I don't care about the pain."

He nodded. "It would have to be a big piece. It would probably take 2...maybe even 3 sessions depending on how long you can sit. But I could do it. That isn't what you wanted today was it?"

I shook my head. "No. I was just curious. For today I was thinking..."

***

Hours later, Chris and I walked out of 'East Side Ink' freshly tattooed.

I had gotten the quote 'Only in the darkness can you see the stars' by Martin Luther King, Jr. on my right inner bicep. Josh had done it in a beautiful font, and even added some stars underneath the quote. Chris told me to get anything I wanted, so I also got a symbol for protection on my right wrist which was a circle with two arrows crossed over it. On my left wrist, I got a symbol for healing which was a sort of triple spiral but with some triangles added in.

I was so excited for my new tattoos and piercings! Chris and Josh had been impressed that I never even so much as flinched the whole time I was in the chair.

Chris had gotten another Buddhist piece. He got a Dharma Wheel almost the size of my hand on his right forearm.

After our tattoos were done, Josh started asking me a lot of questions for a piece to cover the scar on my abdomen. He thought flowers might be best, because he could put a lot of detail in to mask the scarring and use all kinds of colors. The texture of the scar would still be there, but the tattoo would sort of camouflage it. I told him I loved all kinds of lilies. I told him my favorite colors were purple, blue, teal, red and black...not that there would be black flowers. I just wasn't crazy about pink which I made sure to mention.

I told him not to rush because I wouldn't be ready for it for awhile yet, but he just waved me off, excited to start working on something unique to just me.

Chris and I got back to Tom's apartment after walking Luna, and we were starving.

Good timing too since dinner had just arrived.

"I ordered Chinese," Tom said as he let us in. "I hope that's okay."

Chris and I shared a smile. "Chinese is perfect," we both said at the same time and then laughed.

It was just Tom, Seb, Lizzie, Chris and I here now since everyone else had gone home.

I got Luna out of her gear, fed her and gave her water, and then went to the room to change into yoga pants and take off my flannel. I wanted to let the tattoos breathe a little, but I hated the scar on my left arm. I'd had to have surgery when James broke it, but it was time to get over my own problems with my body.

Josh and I actually talked about covering the scar on my arm and leg too one day and what we could cover them with.

I went back out to where everyone was eating and sat next to Chris. We ate and chatted, and no one was looking at my scar. I could do this. I could be normal.

After we ate, Chris and I took off the bandages and cleaned our tats before putting the special ointment on them. We showed our friends our new tattoos, and then we started talking about the play tomorrow.

Lizzie put a hand on my forearm. "Let's go out. Just you and I," she said.

"Really?" I asked, my eyes going wide with excitement. "What are we going to do?"

"Let's go get our hair and nails done. You can be all dolled up for the play tomorrow. I know you're really looking forward to it," she said. "We can go shopping too."

"It's already after 5 though. Won't hair and nail places be closed?"

"Not here. Come on. We can get away from the boys. And before you even try to argue...it's my treat."

"But-"

"I said no arguments."

I shook my head at her and looked over at Chris who'd been listening to the whole exchange between us. "You don't mind right?"

He smiled, one of those absolutely breathtaking smiles of his, and I literally felt my heart stop in my chest. Damn him. "You know I don't. Go have fun. Luna can stay here with us if you want...might be easier."

I smiled. "That would be great. She'll be a good girl for you."

"Of course she will. She loves me."

I rolled my eyes and leaned down to Luna to kiss her head. I turned to Chris and bent to hug him since he was still sitting. "Thank you," I whispered to him.

When I pulled away, he was still smiling. "Go have fun," he said.

Lizzie and I quickly got ready and left to go on an adventure.

I stuck close to Lizzie as we walked. It felt weird not to have Luna with me, which I think Lizzie picked up on since she linked arms with me.

"Hair first?" She suggested, and I nodded in agreement.

We walked a few blocks to a salon, and Lizzie decided to go very light blonde...almost that silver color that's so popular. I changed my long hair from burgundy to deep violet, but still kept the short hair my natural brunette color. The hairdresser shaved the short part down just a little bit, and then trimmed the rest of my hair just a bit. She made it wavy for me, and then waxed my eyebrows to perfection and showed me how to fill them in better with a make-up product. I was shit at make-up, but I think I got the hang of what she was saying.

We got our nails done next, and I got a dark sparkly black color on my toes and fingers. On my fingernails, the woman even painted some Harry Potter symbols for me which I absolutely loved.

Next Lizzie and I went to a huge hippie/witchy type of store down the next block, and I was in love.

I bought a few necklaces, some earrings, and some bracelets. We struck a conversation with the owner, and before I knew it, we were out back smoking some weed with her.

Afterward, we went to a thrift shop down the road and I found a basically brand new leather jacket.

"Try it on," Lizzie said when I picked it up.

I tried it on and it fit me like a glove. It was a short leather jacket with zippers and buckles all over, and the leather was soft and smelled brand new. The jacket was only $15! For real leather! Of course I bought it and even wore it out of the store.

We started making our way back to Tom's apartment. The way I felt right now was indescribable. I was as happy as I could ever remember being, and I felt like this giant weight was lifted off my shoulders. I felt free.

Sure, maybe the weed helped but...

I'd never had so much fun, and I was so glad I now had Lizzie as a friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments??


	13. 100% on board

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lizzie and Dee finish up their girls' night out and go back to the apartment where Chris and Dee have a much needed talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: THIS IS UPDATE NUMBER 1 OF 2 BECAUSE I FORGOT AND ALSO WON'T HAVE A CHANCE THIS WEEK BECAUSE IT WILL BE MY BIRTHDAY.
> 
> SO READ THIS ONE FIRST!!!

"So...tell me more about this almost kiss," Lizzie said.

I laughed as we walked arm in arm. "I knew you'd circle back to that eventually. So he was holding me because he helped me through a panic attack, and then he just...kissed my hand. We both kind of froze, and of course, he started saying sorry, but I told him not to be. And then like our eyes connected and he started leaning in...my heart was pounding, but like in a good way. But then Tom knocked on our door to tell us about food."

"How was Chris toward you today?"

I thought about that as we got to Tom's apartment building. "Um...I mean pretty normal...if not maybe a little more flirty than usual?"

"Are you going to tell him you like him?"

I chuckled. "I feel like this is grade school all over again. I haven't had feelings like this in...a long time. I don't wanna fuck it all up, Lizzie. And I can't lose him as a friend."

"I don't think you will. I think this goes much deeper than that. You two have this...connection. I can see it in the way you look at each other. The way you talk to each other. It's like...cosmic or some shit."

I laughed loudly as we got to the elevator. "I mean...I get what you're saying. There's this...there's something there that just makes everything feel right...when I'm with him. Does that make sense?"

"It does. I say just go for it."

"You would," I said, rolling my eyes a little as we got to Tom's door.

Lizzie stopped me and fluffed my hair a little. "Wait until he sees you. You look drop-dead gorgeous right now. Want me to help you with your make-up tomorrow before the show?"

"Please. That would be great. Hey, listen...I really needed a girls' night. Thank you. Thanks for being my friend."

Lizzie hugged me tight. "You're not the only one who badly needed a friend. Hard to be good friends with people who travel all over. Seb doesn't count and Chris is a dude so sometimes that doesn't work."

We both laughed.

"Well, even still...thank you."

She squeezed my hand and then we opened the door to go in. We walked in to see the guys fighting over some board game they were playing...Monopoly, I realized.

Luna came barreling over to me, and I dropped to my knees to kiss her and hug her. "Hey, baby. How's my sweet girl? I missed you so much."

The guys were still arguing. Chris's back was to us, and Tom and Seb were on the other side of the table so they were facing us.

"Guys, what the fuck?" Lizzie said and we walked over.

Seb and Tom looked up first. Seb's eyes widened and Tom went a little slack-jawed.

"You guys are assholes! I have the hotels. You gotta pay me the right-" Chris finally noticed his friends were no longer paying attention. "What the hell?" He turned toward us, and when he saw me his eyes widened. "Wow, Dee...wow. Um, you look...you look great. I mean not that you didn't before but-" He winced as Seb and Tom both kicked him under the table.

I tried so hard not to laugh.

Chris blushed. "You look beautiful," he said.

Now I blushed. "Thanks."

"Wow, don't I look beautiful too? I'm fucking offended," Lizzie teased, ruffling Chris's hair as she passed him to go kiss Seb.

"Are you guys high?" Seb asked.

"Fuck yeah," Lizzie said. "We found this awesome hippie/witchy shop and made friends with the owner."

"Yup," I said with a big grin. "I got pretty things."

"What did you get?" Tom asked.

I dumped my bag on the table. "Girly things. And crystals!" I showed them each piece that I had gotten.

"And she got that leather jacket. It's like it was made for her. Doesn't it look good on her, Chris?" she asked, making Chris snap out of his trance.

"Yeah. Yes. The jacket looks great. You really do look good. I love the new color." He reached up and tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. "Did you have fun?"

I smiled and nodded at him before sitting down next to him. "Yeah. We did. Lizzie and I are going to do girls' night out more often."

Chris looked over at me. "That's really great," he said, a smile forming on his face. "Hey, um...I know you already smoked tonight, but do you want to go on the balcony and smoke a little more?"

"Let's do it!" Seb said, but then out of the corner of my eye I saw Tom punch him in the ribs and Lizzie gave him a dirty look. "I mean...I'm definitely not in the mood to smoke. You two have fun."

I rolled my eyes and grabbed Chris's hand to pull him out of the seat. He grabbed what we needed, and I grabbed a throw blanket off the couch. We went out to the balcony, and Luna chose to stay close to Tom.

I could see Tom and Seb silently cheering as they cleared the game, I'm assuming because Chris was kicking their asses.

Chris and I sat on a loveseat and it was made of metal but had cushions on it. I sat close to him and put the blanket over both our laps. He lit up the joint, and we started sharing it. His arm eventually went around me, and I leaned closer to his body for warmth.

"Thank you again for this incredible weekend."

"It's not over yet," he said with a smile. "Wait until tomorrow."

"I'm so excited! Are you prepared to see me completely nerd out?"

"And that's different from other days...how?"

I laughed and poked his ribs, making him squirm. "Ha ha ha. You're so funny. As if you're not a giant nerd. You're a big goof."

He stuck his tongue out at me as I took another long drag. "You still like me even though I'm a goof."

"Of course," I said.

We finished smoking and then just sat there enjoying each other's company.

Eventually, I had to break the silence. "What would you have done if one of your friends asked me out?"

He looked over at me. "Would you have said yes?"

I looked at him, our faces inches apart. "I don't know, Chris. Maybe. Unless..."

"Unless what?"

"Unless you gave me a reason not to."

"What do you mean?"

I sighed and turned toward him. "Chris, again I'm asking, what would you have done if one of them asked me out?"

He sighed and rubbed his face. "I wouldn't have liked it, but I would have supported you if you decided to go."

"I wouldn't have said yes."

He looked surprised. "Why not?"

I turned back to look out toward the city again. "I'm ready to date, but I'd be lying if I said I would date just anyone."

He was quiet again, but then he sighed. "What if...what if I asked you out? Would you say no?"

My heart stopped. "Are...are you asking me out?"

"No," he said very quickly. "I just...it's..." He rubbed his face in frustration.

I pulled his hand away from his face. "Chris, I can't...I can't keep ignoring the elephant in the room here. You're...my best friend. I don't know how it happened in only a few months, but you are. I feel like a different person because of you, and I never want to lose that. I CAN'T lose that because it will fucking wreck me on a level that I'm not prepared to deal with." He tried to talk but I stopped him. "No, please let me finish. I have to get this out." I took a deep breath. "I tried to ignore it...I really, really tried. But something changed. I don't know what, but slowly, I started to wonder what it would be like to...date you. I have feelings for you, and I've been trying my damnedest to ignore it all, but I can't. This weekend has proven that I can't. You're the first person I've had feelings for since...him, and I'm scared."

"Don't be scared."

"But I am, Chris. I'm not enough for you. I will never be enough for you. You deserve someone who...isn't broken. Who isn't a shell of a person. Who can...be physically intimate with you without having panic attacks. Who can have kids. Someone who is perfect. You deserve perfect. I'm none of that."

"Dee, you don't get to sit there and tell me what I deserve. I don't want perfect. I have never wanted perfect. I want REAL. Damnit, I want YOU. I don't care about any of it. I don't care if there are obstacles. I don't care if we go at a snail's pace. I will do whatever it takes. I don't care. To me, you are perfect, and I do deserve you."

"You have feelings for me?" I asked, feeling a little choked up.

"From the second I met you. From that very first second...you locked eyes with me as Luna came between us, and it was...this is gunna sound cheesy, but it was like a sucker-punch straight to the gut."

"But this whole time...you kept adamantly saying we were friends."

"Dee, sweetheart, I didn't want to scare you away. So we became friends...it's what you needed. I needed it too. But you're right, I can't keep ignoring my feelings either. When Jeremy was talking to you out here...my blood was boiling. Then you went on a walk with Henry...Mackie kept saying he was going to ask you out. It was driving me fucking insane."

"It drove me insane to see you with Brie...but now I know she's into chicks."

"Is that why you acted so weird when you were getting pants?"

I sighed. "Yeah. I just...I thought well then good he obviously likes someone so I'm going to just go talk to Jeremy and who knows. And then he and Henry kept saying I couldn't ignore my feelings for you forever."

"Dee, look...I don't want you to be scared of this. I want you to be on board. I want you to be 100% on board. If you don't feel totally on board, I'll wait. I'll wait as long as it takes."

I smiled over at him. "I'm on board. I want this. I'm just afraid that...well, first, I'm afraid of losing you."

"You will never lose me. Do you understand? You will NEVER lose me. What else is bothering you?"

"What if I can't...what if we can't...what if I can't be close...intimately with you? I'm afraid I'll have panic attacks or something."

"You know I would never ever push you. We'll go as slow as you need. You've already done better than you think. You used to get uncomfortable being this close to me. But then slowly, you started getting closer. You started hugging me. You started...enjoying when I wrapped my arm around you. We'll take this one day at a time, one step at a time. Okay?"

"Okay," I whispered. "Will you please kiss me now before I lose my nerve and the high wears off?"

He threw his head back and laughed loudly. "You weren't high this morning when I almost kissed you."

"Oh, so I didn't imagine that?"

"Nope. And you weren't afraid."

"I wasn't," I said, turning toward him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I'm an evil bitch but the next chapter is coming right up! No worries!
> 
> How about leaving a comment on this one before going to the next one?! PLEASE?!


	14. Baby Steps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chris and Dee finally confess their feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: THIS IS UPDATE NUMBER 2 OF 2 BECAUSE I FORGOT AND ALSO WON'T HAVE A CHANCE THIS WEEK BECAUSE IT WILL BE MY BIRTHDAY.
> 
> SO READ THIS ONE LAST. IF YOU COME HERE FIRST, GO BACK TO THE PREVIOUS CHAPTER!
> 
> (Also brief mention of sexual assault just FYI)

His eyes searched mine, and then he leaned in and brushed his lips against mine.

My heart was pounding in my chest again, but I knew it wasn't fear. It was just the effect he had on me.

I kissed him back, moving my lips more firmly against his. His hand reached up and grasped my head, pulling me deeper into the kiss. The arm that was around my shoulders slid down my back but didn't roam further. Such a gentleman.

I placed my hands on his chest, almost wishing his shirt was off like it had been this morning.

We finally broke apart to breathe, and out of the corner of my eye, I saw our 3 friends cheering and jumping up and down in the living room. Obviously, they'd seen us.

"We have an audience," I said with a laugh.

Chris turned to see them and started laughing. "Come on. Let's go walk Luna and get to bed. We have an exciting day tomorrow."

"Is tomorrow our first date?"

"Do you want it to be?"

I nodded as we got up and went inside. "On the day where you make me the happiest nerd alive? Hell yeah."

"Fucking finally," Lizzie said. "It's about time."

"For real," Seb said. "I called this the weekend after Luna almost bit me."

"Luna almost bit you?" Tom asked, completely shocked.

"Ask him why she almost bit him," I said, preparing to go get Luna's leash.

"I walked her for you already," Tom said. "She was a good girl."

"Wow thank you, Tom." I looked at my dog who was a puddle of mush at Tom's feet. He had been rubbing her belly.

They all said goodnight and I heard Tom ask why Luna almost bit him.

I heard Lizzie say, "Because Seb's stupid", and I laughed as Luna followed us to the room.

We took turns in the bathroom getting changed and getting ready for bed. I let him go first, and after I was done, I looked at myself in the mirror. I had dressed in a buttery soft pair of yoga pants that were capris length, and I'd decided to be daring and wear a low cut Captain America tank top over a sports bra.

I came out of the bathroom and he laughed at the shirt choice. I shut the light off and climbed into bed between him and Luna. I faced him in the bed.

"Will you kiss me again?" I asked.

He grinned. "Of course."

We kissed for what felt like forever. I let my hands wander down his chest and back, wishing again that he was shirtless. His hands roamed my back and arms, and he touched just the top of my ass before stopping himself.

I pulled away to take some deep breaths. "You're an amazing kisser."

He chuckled and gently ran his fingers over my face. "So are you. Let's stop here for now. I don't want to push boundaries."

"Fair point. Goodnight, Chris."

"Goodnight, Dee."

***

The following morning, I woke up to Chris kissing the skin of my shoulder gently. Sometime during the night I turned toward Luna and gave Chris my back. His body was spooning mine, and I smiled as his fingers ran up my bare arms. It was then that I realized he had no shirt on.

"When did you lose your shirt?"

"I must have gotten really hot. You seem to have lost your pants too," he pointed out.

I froze. "Shit. I'm sorry-"

"It's okay. Do you want me to back off? I'll let you put your pants back on."

He started to move away, but I grabbed his hands. "No. No. I'm okay. This is...like practice. I'm not uncomfortable."

"Are you sure?" he whispered, his breath blowing against my ear and making me shiver with pleasure.

"Yeah," I said. "What time is it?"

"It's 8am. Luna is still asleep."

I grabbed his arm that was around me and lowered it to my thighs. "Can we...practice a little?"

His hand ran slowly up and down my thigh. "You're at the wheel here. I don't want to scare you away. What did you have in mind?"

I turned toward him. "Take off your pants?"

"Are you sure?" I nodded. He laid on his back and pulled his pants off before flinging them to the floor. He laid there flat on his back, looking over at me. "What next?"

I bit my lip and reached out to him, pulling him so he was on his side and facing me again. I took my right hand and slowly traced over his back, shoulders, arm, chest, and down his abs. He stayed very still the whole time. When I reached his underwear, I moved my hand to his back and down over his butt to his muscular thigh.

And then I traced the same path back up.

"Your breathing quickened a little...are you okay?" he whispered.

My face blushed hot with embarrassment, not that he could really see that in the dimly lit room. "I'm okay. I'm not scared." Just more turned on than I have been in probably 10 years. "You just...um you have a really nice body."

He leaned his forehead against mine. "So do you," he said, his lips gently brushing over mine. His hand brushed back my hair as he deepened the kiss, and I pressed my body hard against his, tangling our legs together.

His hand roamed down my back, down my arm and side, and then down my thigh. I felt like I was on fire as his hand slid back up my leg to cup my ass in his hand. A small noise escaped my throat, and I pressed even closer to him, throwing my leg over his hips. 

We kept kissing, but eventually I pulled away, gasping for air.

"We should stop," I said, knowing that I didn't sound happy about it.

He searched my eyes. "Yeah, we probably should."

"I don't know if I'm more afraid of what I might do if we go further...or...what I might do if we DON'T go further," I said honestly.

"Sweetheart, you're killing me here. I don't want to push you into something I feel you're not ready for. Baby steps...remember?"

I groaned loudly. "Fine." I untangled myself from him and got up to crawl off the bed. Luna jumped up and yawned, stretching herself out on the bed.

"Want me to walk her so you can shower?" Chris asked as he stood up and turned the light on.

God. His body. His thighs were thick and muscular. His butt was...literally America's ass. I couldn't help but notice the thick bulge in his boxer briefs either... His abs and the v-cut of his hips... His muscular chest, broad shoulders, muscular arms. His tattoos looked amazing too.

"Dee," he said, his voice sounding choked, and I swallowed hard as I noticed he was starting to get hard in his underwear.

I took a deep breath and clenched my hands in fists, making my nails dig into my palms to help me focus on something that wasn't his body. It didn't work.

"Fuck," I said. "Um yeah, I need to shower."

I grabbed my bag and practically sprinted to the bathroom to lock myself in.

This was going to be the fucking end of me.

***

I took a long shower...mostly because I had to let off some steam. It'd been so long since I had even touched myself...but the sight of his body had turned me into a fucking lunatic. I hadn't had these types of feelings in years...to the point that I thought something was wrong with me. But I guess everything still worked fine... I had to make myself orgasm twice in the shower before I felt somewhat normal again.

When I came out of the shower, the room was empty...thankfully. I knew it was still a while until we had to leave for the first part of the show, so I dressed in fresh underwear and put my yoga pants, sports bra, and tank top back on. I hadn't bothered washing my hair since it still looked really pretty from last night...which was surprising considering this morning's activities.

Before I walked out to the living room, I put the ointment on my tattoos. They were looking pretty good, and I was so thrilled. I checked my new piercings and cleaned them, and then I went out to the living room where everyone else was lounging around in their pajamas.

"Hey," I said.

Lizzie grinned at me. "Hey. You excited for the play?"

I grinned at her. "You know I am. I have been waiting for this for years! I've always wanted to go but...not alone."

Chris came up behind me and wrapped an arm around me. He kissed the top of my head, and his other hand held a big mug of coffee out to me. I smiled as I took it from him, and he kissed my shoulder, making me blush. "I walked Luna and fed her. Now she is shamelessly showing off her lady parts to Tom on his couch."

I choked on my mouthful of coffee and then laughed hard. "What?" I turned to see Tom sitting on the couch with Luna laying beside him with her butt closest to him, her legs wide open. Her front legs were tucked to her chest, and her head was turned with her tongue hanging out and a happy smile on her face as Tom rubbed her belly. "Oh my god. She is too much."

Lizzie smiled at Chris and me. "So...is this like a thing now? Are you boyfriend and girlfriend?" she teased.

Chris laughed and wrapped his arms around me tighter. "Today is our first date."

"You guys are sickeningly adorable," Seb said from the chair.

"You are adorable. It's really great to see you both so happy," Lizzie said. "Now go eat so I can steal you away to get you ready for the show!" She pushed us toward the kitchen.

Chris made me a plate of food and then himself and we sat to eat at the island counter as we listened to our friends chat.

I had barely finished my food before Lizzie was hauling me off to her and Seb's room. She stopped at my room first to grab all the stuff we needed.

She pushed me to the bed and sat cross-legged in front of me. "Tell me everything."

I laughed and tucked my legs beneath me so I could face her. "So today is our first date. We had a talk last night...and we decided that we're just going to take things slow."

"Mmm...and how did that turn out when you were in bed?"

"Lizzie!" I laughed. "You're unbelievable. We just made out last night! And then this morning..."

She raised her eyebrows. "What happened?"

"Do girls normally share this much intimate details with each other?"

"Yes! I mean you don't have to. I just feel very invested in your relationship now," she said.

I rolled my eyes and blushed a little. "We...experimented a little further with less clothes...it didn't go beyond kissing or uh...touching. No undergarments were removed. We stopped it because...baby steps."

"You seem frustrated that it didn't go further."

"I'm just trying to figure it all out still. I’m still afraid I might have a panic attack when we have sex, but...this morning I was also a little bit afraid of how I felt." She gave me a questioning look. "Okay this is embarrassing but like...I was ready to freaking get on top of him and just..."

"Go to town?"

I blushed bright red and covered my face with my hands. "Yes. God yes. What is wrong with me?"

Lizzie pulled my hands away from my face. "Look...when I was younger, I got sexually assaulted by an overzealous date who took advantage of my inebriated state of my mind and my inability to say no." My eyes widened. "It wasn't easy...for many years, but then you find someone who...makes you forget everything bad that's ever happened to you."

"Chris makes me forget."

She squeezed my hand. "I know. I know he does. It's okay to have those kinds of feelings again. You're still a person in there." She poked my chest above my heart. "I'm not saying you're magically going to forget what your ex did overnight. I'm not saying sex for the first time is going to be easy... But I am telling you that it gets easier. Go at your own pace. Do what you're comfortable with, and the second you feel even the slightest, tiniest bit uncomfortable....stop. Don't push yourself. Chris would never forgive himself if he did something you weren't ready for. You're honestly probably going to have to take the wheel a little bit to convince him that you're ready for more...when the time comes."

I nodded and hugged her, so glad I had a friend I could talk this out with. "Today was the first day in I don't even know how long that I've felt..."

"You can say it. You felt turned on...right?"

I was back to blushing. "Yes. I wanted to tackle him back to the bed. But I knew it was too soon so I went to take a shower..."

Lizzie chuckled. "Dee, did you go in the shower to uh...let off some steam?"

I pushed her shoulder. "Shut up! It's so embarrassing."

"No, it isn't! It's perfectly okay! When was the last time you...did that?"

"Um..." I had to really stop and think. "Probably like 4 or 5 years." I looked up at her. "I just...nothing made me feel that way anymore. It infuriated me. I thought that something was wrong with me, but after this morning...well I guess not."

Lizzie nodded. "So...you can practice on your own, you know."

"What?"

"Like...get a vibrator...or something."

"Lizzie!"

She giggled. "I'm just giving you advice! It helped me. If sex isn't something you're ready for...that is something you can do for practice. Baby steps remember?"

"I'm going to die of embarrassment."

"Hey, you yourself said that you used to enjoy sex before. I think with some time and patience...you'll get back there. I did."

"Really?"

"Yes, really. I promise you...you will feel normal again."

I grabbed her in a tight hug and felt tears clogging my throat. "Lizzie, I don't think you have any idea how much it has meant for me to have you here this weekend. If you weren't here...I never would have told him how I felt."

"Stop! You're gunna make me cry!"

We both pulled back, laughing and wiping our eyes.

"Now...let's get you ready for your date!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY! I know I know. You're all ready to kill me by now. But FINALLYYYYYY.


	15. "You're...dating Captain America!"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chris and Dee go on their first date together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry for the long wait. My birthday week was a little crazy (in a good way) and then I've just been in a weird funk.
> 
> Hope everything has a nice holiday!
> 
> <3

Lizzie had convinced me to wear the dress I had gotten from Hot Topic for the play without leggings. It wasn't freezing, but I still felt weird so we compromised on me wearing knee-high black tube socks with yellow stripes for Hufflepuff. I also wore my Hufflepuff sweater over top of the dress since it was a tank top and my new leather jacket over that. On my feet, I wore my favorite pair of combat boots.

For jewelry, I wore a wand necklace that dipped down into the top of my cleavage since the dress was low cut and cute dangly earrings that were the Hufflepuff shield. I was going to wear bracelets, but it bothered my tattoos so I decided not to.

Lizzie lightly curled my hair to make it wavy, and for make-up, she was able to pull off a smokey-eyed look with winged eyeliner that I wish I would be able to replicate but knew I never would. I decided to wear my glasses instead to complete the nerd look too. I even let Lizzie convince me to wear a little bit of dark purple lip gloss even though I didn't normally wear anything other than chapstick.

I grabbed my purse and made sure I had all my papers for Luna, as well as whatever medicine I might need...just in case.

Chris knocked on the door an hour before the show and said, "You ready? Our cab is outside. I've got Luna all geared up."

"Be out in a minute!" I said before turning to Lizzie. "Well?"

She was beaming. "You look like the hottest nerd-punk I've ever seen."

I laughed hard. "That is the best compliment someone has ever given me." I twirled in the mirror. I had put on a pair of short cotton shorts under the dress since it was very short and because I didn't trust myself. The dress went to a little above mid-thigh. My scar was definitely on display, but I was surprisingly not bothered by it today. "Are you sure the dress isn't too short?"

"You're fine. Now go! He's waiting and I can't fucking wait to see his face when he sees you."

She grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the room. When we walked out to the living room, I was so happy with the outfit choice.

Chris saw me and his jaw literally dropped. That alone was enough confidence, but the fact that he was even speechless made it that much better. He opened and closed his mouth, but didn't say anything.

"Hey, fish boy, tell your girl she looks good. Keep it fucking cool, man," Seb said, elbowing Chris in the ribs.

Chris straightened up and glared at Seb. "Shut. The fuck. Up," he said through gritted teeth, making Seb smile even wider. Chris turned back to me and walked toward me with Luna. "You...I mean...you really look incredible."

I couldn't help the blush that went from my head to the top of my chest. "Thanks. You look um...really good too."

And boy did he...

He was wearing a pair of dark wash jeans that fit him like a fucking glove with a pair of low black boots on his feet. He also had on a black t-shirt, a black and yellow flannel, and a leather jacket. His hair was combed back, and his beard was trimmed to perfection.

"Dee," Lizzie hissed in my ear as she pinched my arm.

"What?" I snapped at her, glancing over to see her trying to hold in her giggles.

Tom was standing by Seb and was waving at me.

"Tom was talking to you," Lizzie said.

I blushed bright red. "Oh, shit. I'm sorry, Tom."

Tom grinned mischievously at me. "It's alright. I just said it was nice meeting you. I won't see you later since Seb and Lizzie are going to pick you up from the play."

"Oh, right." I walked forward to hug him. "Thank you so much for having us and for loving on Luna so much."

"It was my pleasure." He bent to kiss Luna on top of her head. "Come visit again soon guys, yeah? Or maybe I can come visit you."

"Of course!" Chris said. "Okay, we gotta go, Dee. All your stuff is packed up?"

"Yeah, it's with your stuff in the room."

"Bye, guys!" Chris said as he handed Luna's leash to me and grabbed my other hand.

I waved bye to them all, and soon enough we were downstairs and getting in the taxi.

***

We got to the theater and because of Chris's celebrity status, we were brought in before everyone else. No one even gave me a hard time about Luna! We were able to shop in the gift shop before anyone else, and Chris bought me so much stuff we had to buy a backpack to put some of it in. Which was fine because I really loved the Hufflepuff backpack they had there.

We got to our box seats and took some pictures together, and soon enough the show started.

The first part was amazing! We got to go backstage after and get autographs from the main cast, and then Chris took me to dinner at a small cafe down the road.

We had about 2 hours until the next part started, so we took our time eating and talking.

At one point after dinner, Chris grabbed my hand. "How's this been for a first date?"

"It's been amazing...although you didn't buy me flowers," I teased.

He laughed. "Damn, does that mean you won't go out with me on a 2nd date?"

I blushed. "You know I will."

"Good," he said, leaning over the small table to kiss me gently.

My stomach filled with butterflies. "I love that you're a Hufflepuff too," I blurted out after he pulled back from the kiss.

He laughed and grabbed my hand again. "Did you just get nervous and have word vomit?"

"Yes," I said with a groan, blushing slightly. "It's just that sometimes you make me nervous in an...'oh my god this cute guy likes me' kind of way."

"You're adorable," he said as he put money down for our meal and we got up.

We walked out of the cafe to a quiet part of the street to feed Luna, give her some water, and then walk her until she went to the bathroom. She was being such a good girl today. I was definitely giving her lots of treats tomorrow.

Chris and I slowly walked back to the theater holding hands along the way.

"Thank you for this whole weekend. It really was so much fun. I can't wait to get more tattoos from Josh, and I really really love your friends. They made me feel like I had always been part of the group. And then today...today has been fantastic."

He pulled me to a stop and kissed me deeply for a minute until my head was spinning. "You're welcome," he said with a mischievous smile. "And I really do love this outfit." He wrapped his arm around me to whisper in my ear. "You look so fucking hot. I almost wish we were home to....practice more. Will you wear it for me again one day?"

"Only if you take me for a ride on your motorcycle while I'm wearing it."

He groaned and squeezed my hip, getting a little handful of my ass. "Tease. You're going to be the death of me."

We got through the second part, and after it was over, Seb and Lizzie were waiting for us a few blocks away.

Chris let Seb drive so he could sit in the back with Luna and me, and it wasn't long until Luna and I fell asleep leaning on Chris.

***

The next day at work, I was exhausted. We hadn't gotten home until after 2 in the morning, and I had to be at work at 8:30. I'd already done my one storytime this morning, and now I was focusing on cataloging new children's books. I had another coworker in my office with me, Maggie, who was covering the books and stamping them for me. Maggie was in her 40s and very talkative, but today she was quiet...thank god.

"You must have had a busy weekend. You look exhausted," she said.

I smiled. "I was in New York for the holiday weekend, and my um...well the guy I'm seeing took me to see the Harry Potter play on Broadway."

She gasped. "I bet the play was amazing! I know you're a huge Harry Potter nerd." Yeah, since my office was decked out with Harry Potter stuff. "I didn't know you were seeing anyone though..."

"It's pretty new, but I've known him for a few months. We were friends first but...started getting feelings for each other so we are just seeing where it goes," I told her.

"That was sweet that he took you to the play."

"Yeah it was, but we didn't get back until after 2 am so I'm just wiped out."

Maggie went to stay something but then gasped. "Um...is that Chris Evans?"

I looked up and saw through the blinds of my office that Chris was coming this way with...coffee and flowers. A laugh bubbled out of my throat as he got to my door and knocked on the molding.

"Knock, knock," he said. "I brought you coffee because I figured you might need a pick-me-up around this time. And...flowers since I goofed yesterday and didn't have some for you."

"Hey," I said, getting out of my seat to get him. I took the flowers from him and smelled them. They were beautiful lilies of all different colors. I set them on my desk and took the coffee from his hand so I could take a sip. "Oh god, this is perfect." I hugged him and kissed his cheek. "Thank you."

"Um hi," Maggie squeaked out.

"Oh! Sorry, Maggie. Maggie this is Chris...Chris this is Maggie, my coworker."

Chris reached out to shake her hand. "Hey, nice to meet you." He looked around the office and saw Luna sitting patiently under the counter by my chair. I looked over at her too, and she was shaking with excitement.

"Oh, go ahead, you big goofball," I told her and she immediately launched herself at Chris.

Chris caught her mid-air and picked her up so she could kiss his face and so he could kiss her head. He put her down and she sat in front of him and preened as he petted her and scratched her back. "That's my girl. My favorite girl."

"Hey!" I said, putting my hands on my hips.

Chris threw his head back and laughed before leaning his forehead against Luna's head. "Whoops. Your momma's jealous, baby girl. But she knows she's our favorite. Go lay down," he told her, and then he stood up with a big grin on his face.

"Stop being adorable," I told him with a laugh.

He shrugged. "I'm not trying to on purpose."

"Which just makes you more adorable."

He just smiled at me. "Anyway, I don't want to keep you from work but wanted to surprise you with those. See you after work or do you have a class?"

"I'm too tired for class. I'll see you later."

I couldn't keep the smile off my face as he leaned in and quickly pecked my lips and then waved as he left my office.

Maggie spun around in her chair with her jaw dropped. "You're...dating Captain America!"

A fit of giggles escaped my lips. Yep. And he was all mine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments?


	16. Eavesdropping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dee gets a surprise from Chris for her birthday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FULL SAPPINESS AHEADDDDDD!!!
> 
> So....much...SAP! It's too much 🤣🤣🤣🤣 but this chapter is cute! Enjoy!

Two months had passed since we had gone to New York for the holiday and the play. Chris had been spending as much time with me as he could, but the months of January and February were the "awards season". He had had to go to several award shows, some all the way in LA.

We weren't ready to be so open in the public eye about our relationship, so I had hung back and actually watched Dodger for him while he was gone. He would go away for about 4 or so days, but for about a month straight it was every weekend.

It sucked not being with him, but if Seb or Lizzie weren't going to the same show, they would make sure to come to hang out with me. I'd even hung out with Chris's sister Shanna a few times.

It was now the beginning of March and Chris was done with award shows, promotional runs, and whatever else for now. He had a few small things he was working on, but they would be based in Boston and he actually had a good 3 months off until things started back up for him.

One of the weekends he was away, he had called me to ask if he could book us a getaway for a week in the Smoky Mountains of Tennessee. I was hesitant, knowing what even a short vacation would cost...let alone a 7 day one. But he insisted. He didn't care what it would cost, and when he asked me when the last time I had ever even been on a vacation was... Let's just say I couldn't even answer the question because I had to think about it so hard.

The last time I had gone anywhere for more than a few days, it had been during college for Spring Break. I and a couple of girlfriends had booked a vacation in Cancun, and it had been perfect because I had just turned 21 the day we left. It was a week I will never forget....well, what I could remember anyway. But it was also the week I met James.

And everything changed once I started dating him. He got stupidly jealous of other guys being around me, so we didn't go on any more spring breaks or anywhere that I'd wear a bathing suit. And then it turned into NEVER going on vacation because he didn't want to take off of work.

Anyway...

Chris asked if I would be able to take five days off from work, and my job was happy to let me take a vacation and have Maggie cover my storytimes.

Once that was settled, Chris booked our vacation...which was now a few days away.

And my birthday was this week...March 4th. It was my 34th birthday this year, and since my birthday was on a Wednesday, I didn't expect to really do much.

Boy was I wrong.

***

Work had been okay. A few of the coworkers I talked to regularly (at work anyway) took me out to lunch, Chris had flowers sent to me as well during the day, and Maggie had somehow surprised me and had gotten my storytime kids to make me birthday cards.

I had just walked in the door with Luna and set my stuff down when Chris called.

"Hey," I said. "I just got in. Thank you for the beautiful flowers."

"You're welcome, babe. Happy birthday!"

I grinned. "Thanks. Do we have plans tonight? I feel weird about my birthday being in the middle of the week."

"I was sorta hoping you'd come over here. I made you dinner."

"Whoa...you cooked for me?" I teased. "Or do you mean you dialed the phone and ordered food for me?"

"Oh, you're fucking hilarious," he said, and I could hear his eyes rolling at me. "Get your adorable ass over here. And bring my girlfriend too."

"Wow. This is MY birthday, Evans, and I feel slighted. How rude."

He laughed. "Just come over."

"Gimme a few minutes to change. Be right there."

We hung up, and I changed out of my work clothes into a pair of ripped black jeans, a black Metallica tank top that was also a crop top, and a royal blue and black plaid flannel over top and unbuttoned. I had been getting a little braver in my clothing choices...especially around Chris. Mostly because I knew he really thoroughly enjoyed seeing the belly button piercing. I also put my combat boots on too since I had been neglecting them lately.

I fluffed my hair and added a little bit more eyeliner to my eyes, put in my contacts, leashed Luna up, and left after locking up my house.

Once next door, I knocked and Chris answered, immediately taking Luna's leash from me to unhook her and let her run free with Dodger.

"Hey," he said, bending down to kiss me. He stood up straight and his eyes wandered down my body. "It only took you 10 minutes to look that good?" I blushed and he laughed. "You know I love it when you dress like that."

There was a loud noise from his kitchen, and my head snapped toward the sound. "Was that the dogs? Or is someone here?"

He smiled bashfully and rubbed the back of his neck. "Um...just come here," he said, grabbing my hand and leading me to his large kitchen.

"SURPRISE!" everyone yelled.

I was shocked as all hell.

Robert, Lisa, Carly, Mike, Stella, Miles, Shanna, Brian, Scott, Billy, Lizzie, Seb, Tom, and Jeremy were all crammed into the kitchen. It had been decorated with signs and balloons.

There was even a wall that was decorated like Dwight decorated the conference room in The Office. There was just a banner that said 'It Is Your Birthday' with brown balloons and toilet paper hanging from it.

I laughed so hard I had to double over and clutch my stomach. "Oh my god! This is the best surprise ever!" Then I turned and smacked Chris's abs with the back of my hand. "You jerk. I would have dressed nicer!"

Lizzie rolled her eyes. "Boys."

I laughed and quickly walked around to hug and thank everyone for coming.

"You two came all the way here just for my dumb 34th birthday?" I asked Tom and Jeremy when I got to them last. Everyone else had started grabbing the tons of pizza Chris had ordered and were mingling all over the kitchen and living room talking and eating.

"No way was I missing this," Tom said, hugging me tight for a minute. We had been back to NY to see him again on one of the weekends that there weren't award shows. It was a chance for Chris and me to celebrate our "Valentine's Day" which was us going to see another Broadway Play that I had never seen...Wicked. "Plus, I missed my girl, Luna."

His girl Luna was currently glued to his legs. It was SO fucking adorable.

"I had something to do this past weekend in New York, so I stayed a few extra days with Tom to surprise you," Jeremy said.

I hugged him. "Thank you...for everything. If you hadn't been honest with me like I needed that weekend...this never would have happened," I said, gesturing toward Chris.

Jeremy rubbed my back. "I'm really happy for you that it worked out. You look great. You look happy. I notice a big difference in you just from that first weekend we met to now."

"Happiness suits her," Lizzie said as she came up behind me and wrapped an arm around my shoulder.

I smiled at them all. "I finally feel like I'm healing...for good. I'm not perfect, but it's getting there. I feel like I'm peeling back the layers little by little and the true me is coming out."

"It's a beautiful transformation," Tom said as he knelt on the floor to pet Dodger and Luna.

"What are you guys talking about?" Seb asked as he and Chris made their way over to us.

"How beautiful and happy Dee looks," Jeremy said. "Actually, I've never seen you this happy either," he said to Chris. They did a weird guy handshake hug thing and smacked each other on the back.

"Boys," Lizzie and I said as one and giggled.

***

I was walking through the kitchen and the crowd of people with Miles sitting on one hip, and Stella holding my left hand. Luna, Dodger, and Thor were following the 3 of us. We had finished pizza and were just hanging out, and the kids had asked if we could give the dogs treats.

"We are just going to give them one bull stick each okay? Because someone..." I tickled Miles' side with my right hand, the one holding him, and he shrieked with laughter. "...decided to give them pieces of their pizza crust."

"But they gave me sad eyes!" Miles said as I sat him on Chris' counter. I opened the cabinet above the microwave and reached up for the container of treats.

"I gave you sad eyes for your crust but you didn't give any to ME," Stella said, hands on her hips.

"Because you're not a cute dog! You're an icky girl!" Miles said.

I gasped and spun toward him. "Miles...does that mean that you think I'm an icky girl too?!"

Miles gaped at me. "N-no! You're not an icky girl! You're the prettiest lady I've ever seen! And you're a mermaid princess! And you have really pretty hair and-"

I laughed and kissed him on the forehead. "Okay okay...I get it."

Stella was laughing at Miles, and at me as I tried to reach the dog treats and failed. "Can I help?" she asked.

"Please!" I exclaimed, picking her up and lifting her to the counter. She stood on her feet and I stood behind her in case she fell. She handed the dog treats down to me, and then lowered herself so she was sitting on the counter next to her brother. I opened up the container. "What trick do you want to see them do?"

"Make them roll over!" Miles said, clapping his hands, and Stella nodded in agreement.

As soon as the words 'rollover' left Miles' mouth, Luna was doing it.

"Oh, you show off," I said with a laugh and then gave her her treat and she ran off. I looked at Dodger. "Rollover, Dodge." I gave him a hand signal that I knew he knew. He hesitated but then rolled over too so he got his treat and ran off. Then I looked at Thor. "Thor...roll over." The goofy lab just sat there with his tongue hanging out.

Miles was in a fit of laughter. He climbed down off the counter and got to the floor. "Like this, Thor!" And he rolled over to show him. Thor still sat there.

Stella was hiding her mouth as giggles escaped her. "I don't think he knows that one."

"Hmm..." Miles said, sitting in front of the goofball. "Paw?"

Now that one, Thor knew. He reached his paw up and Miles shook it. I gave Thor his treat and he ran off with Miles running after him.

Stella kept sitting on the counter, and the rest of the adults were chatting away. I leaned on the counter next to Stella.

She looked over at me and gave me a small smile. "Dee?"

"Yes, sweetheart?"

"You and Uncle Chris are boyfriend and girlfriend right?"

I laughed. "Yeah, we are."

"You look happier. You don't look sad anymore. Does that mean Uncle Chris made you forget about the bad man?" She gently touched the small scar over my eyebrow. "The bad man did this right?"

The smile fell from my face. How was this kid so smart? "Yes, he did. And yes, Uncle Chris is helping me be happy again."

I knew that everyone in the room was hearing this...as usual.

"You were pretty before, but now that you are smiling more, I think that you're beautiful," she told me. "I heard mommy say that you can't have kids...is that true?"

"Good lord, Stella, do you eavesdrop on everything?" I heard Carly mutter under her breath. I glanced over at Carly and she mouthed, 'I'm so sorry' at me.

I nodded at Carly and looked back at Stella. I pulled the edge of my jeans down just a little to show her the edges of my scar. "See this?" Stella nodded. "This goes across my whole belly. You remember how mommies carry babies in their belly?"

"Yes, I do. Mommy and Daddy told me that."

I fixed my jeans. "My belly got injured. It got injured beyond what doctors could fix...so I can't carry babies in my belly."

Stella's eyes filled with tears. "The bad man?"

I swallowed hard. "Yes, sweetheart."

She hugged me hard and whispered in my ear, "I hate the bad man."

I hugged her back and lifted her from the counter. "I hate him too," I whispered.

She pulled back from the hug and wiped the tears off of my face. "The bad man didn't love you."

"No. He really didn't."

"Uncle Chris loves you."

I froze for a second. Chris and I hadn't quite gotten to that point yet. "He does?" I whispered to her, although everyone in the room still could hear us.

She nodded and wiped the tears off my face again. "I heard him tell Mommy and Grandma. It was after Christmas. He told Mommy it didn't matter if you couldn't have kids...that he loved you anyway." I was so choked up that I couldn't even speak. "Uncle Chris always wanted kids, but he said he loved you so much it didn't matter." She wiped my face again. "You and Uncle Chris have the dogs, and if you want to play with kids, Miles and I can come over!"

I hugged her to me again and kissed her head. "You're right. You're very right." I let her pull back from the hug. "And you know what?"

"What?" she asked as I put her down.

I looked over at Chris who was blushing and nervously rubbing the back of his neck again. I looked back down at Stella and gave her a smile. "I love your Uncle Chris too."

Stella squealed and ran to her Uncle. "Did you hear that?!"

Chris picked her up and threw her into the air before catching her and putting her on his hip. "I heard every word." He walked over to me and hugged me to him with his free arm. "I love you," he whispered in my ear.

"I love you too," I whispered back, going on tiptoe to kiss him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welllllll.....too much sap?
> 
> I didn't intend for all the sap but that's how it played out lol.
> 
> Comments please??


	17. I just want to feel you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dee spends the night at Chris's and things get a little...steamy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, all! Sorry this is late!!
> 
> This chapter is...wooooo full steam ahead!
> 
> (There is one small part where Dee gets panicked, but it's not anything really bad)

After the party wound down and everyone went home, I decided to just stay at Chris's for the night. I didn't want to leave him.

This was a big step for us because he had so far only spent the night at my house and only a few times. We'd still been going sort of slow...intimacy wise. But I had taken Lizzie's advice seriously. As much as I wanted to have sex with him, I wasn't pushing it at all.

And...I did buy a vibrator. And I'd been practicing...a lot. Chris made me so sexually frustrated. I sort of felt liberated. It had been so long since I enjoyed anything sexual.

This was working...it really was.

Chris took care of cleaning up and taking care of the dogs while I ran home to grab work clothes for the following day and everything I needed for work and for Luna.

When I went back to his house, I showered quickly, but then cursed when I realized I forgot pajamas. I dried off and wrapped the small towel around me, finished up using the bathroom, brushed my teeth, wrung the moisture out of my hair, and went out to Chris's room.

He was standing there in just a pair of sweatpants that rode low on his hips, showing off the v cut that fit men had that I loved so much. I immediately noticed the sizable bulge in his pants and felt myself blushing...as always.

"I forgot PJs," I blurted out, gripping the towel tight to my body. It barely covered my ass.

"Do you want a pair of boxers and a t-shirt?" he asked, his voice low and husky as he looked my body up and down.

"Yeah," I said in a breathy voice, watching him turn and walk to his dresser. My god...his ass. He bent to open a drawer and I swear to fucking god it made my nipples hard with desire.

He walked back to the bed with the clothes for me, his sweats slipping lower on his body.

I shut my eyes and took a deep breath.

"Are you okay?" he asked, his voice soft and full of concern.

I opened my eyes and looked him straight in the eye. "I'm okay." And then I made a bold move...something I hadn't been planning, but it was something that felt right. 

I loosened my grip on the towel and then let it drop to the floor.

Chris sucked in a sharp breath and froze. "Did you mean to do that?"

"Yeah. I did." I made my feet move my body toward him.

"Dee," he almost growled. It was a warning.

"Just...I need to do this, Chris, or I'm going to go crazy," I whispered to him.

He watched me carefully, frozen in his spot, not wanting to scare me. I grabbed his hand and gently pushed him on the bed so he was laying down. I got on top of him, straddling his body so I could kiss him. He let his hands stay at my knees, afraid I think, to move them.

I lifted his hands and placed them on my butt, wanting him to get the hint that this was okay. I ground my hips down against his cloth-covered cock, and both of us pulled away from the kiss to groan loudly. My heart was pounding. There was some fear there but mostly fear of being...I guess not good at sex since it had been so long. I was mostly insanely aroused.

I sat up, continuing to grind my hips against his. I brought his hands up to my breasts, and he tugged on my nipples.

But I needed more.

I started pulling at his sweatpants, trying to get them down his thick, muscular thighs.

"Dee," he said, let out a shaky breath. "Don't-"

"Chris, please," I begged. "No sex...I promise. I just want to feel you."

He sighed and let me pull his pants down to his knees. I straddled him again and moaned loudly at the feeling of his naked cock pressing against me between my legs. I was so wet for him, something he noticed immediately as I started grinding against him, sliding myself up and down against his hard cock.

"Fuck! Dee..."

"Chris," I whimpered out.

"It's okay," he choked out. "Can I touch you?"

"Yes!"

One of his hands stayed at my breasts, teasing my nipples while the other moved down my body. His thumb found my clit easily and rubbed it in circles.

"Fuck!" I moaned out, throwing my head back.

I could already feel myself heading straight for an orgasm. I looked back at Chris and dug my nails into his abs, loving how the huge eagle tattoo on his chest looked in the dim light.

The orgasm hit me full force and I rocked above him, throwing my head back as he kept stroking my clit and tugging on my nipples.

I collapsed against his chest and he held me close, rubbing up and down my body with his hands. He kissed my head and stroked my hair back.

"You're so gorgeous. That was beautiful, baby," he said to me in a soft voice.

I just laid there for a minute, trying to gather my thoughts.

"Are you okay?"

I rolled off of him and pushed his sweat pants the rest of the way off his body. "I'm more than okay," I said with a smile. "That felt..." I blushed a little. "Amazing. I want more."

He laughed and rolled to his side once he could kick the sweats off from around his ankles. He gently pushed me flat on my back. "Want to try something else?"

"Please."

He kissed me slowly and tenderly before pulling away to kiss down my neck and chest. I cried out when he pulled a nipple into his mouth and sucked on it before giving the other one the same attention.

He hovered over me, and that's when I felt panic race through me. I froze, which he sensed right away and immediately backed off. "I'm sorry," he said.

My heart was pounding with fear, and I didn't even understand why. Luna came to my side immediately and put her head against my thigh as I sat up in bed.

Chris turned the light brighter and pulled his sweatpants back on. "Dee, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

I curled my knees to my chest, wrapping my arms around them before burying my face into my arms to cry. Sobs shook my whole body and Luna whined next to me. I felt Dodger come to my other side, and Chris carefully wrapped a sheet around my naked body.

Chris climbed onto the bed, moving my body forward so he could sit behind me and wrap me into his arms. He sat me between his legs and gently rocked me back and forth.

"How is this ever going to work?" I choked out. "I don't even know why I panicked! I'm sorry. I thought I was doing better-"

"Baby, stop. You are doing better. You are doing SO much better. Look how far you've come. I shouldn't have tried to get on top of you. I knew better. This is my fault. I'm the one that needs to be sorry."

"But, Chris, this isn't fair to you! How are we ever going to have a normal sex life if you can't even get on top of me without me...breaking down!"

"Sweetheart, look at me." He pushed my hair back from my face and lifted me so my body was sideways on top of his lap. "Please look at me."

I wiped my eyes and slowly pulled my head up to look at him. "What?"

He kissed my forehead and wiped away tears on my face with his thumbs. "You've come so far. This is just a small roadblock. Now I know I just can't get on top of you. Baby steps remember?"

"But how are we going to-"

He chuckled, and I knew he wasn't laughing at me or making fun of me in any way. The threat of panic and terror was gone now, but I felt a little embarrassed. "Sweetheart, I don't want to be an ass right as you're calming down, but...there are plenty of things we can do that don't involve me being on top of you."

I was quiet as I thought about that, trying to remember whatever sexual encounters I had before James. There weren't many, but now that I thought more about it...

"Oh, sweetheart. No one ever let you have control? Or be on top?"

I shook my head, blushing a little. "Not...more than what we just did before."

He tipped my head back and gently kissed my lips. "Okay. So we have a boundary. I won't get on top of you until you're absolutely ready for that. That's okay. We have so much more we can do."

"Why are you so great? Why are you so understanding about this? There is no other man on the planet that would even bother."

"Dee, I'm not just any other man on the planet. And I love you. I would do anything for you. You know that."

"I love you too, but now I've ruined the mood."

He tucked my hair back behind my ear. "You didn't ruin anything. You did so well tonight. It was beautiful to watch."

"But you didn't even get to-"

"It's okay. I'm good. Really. I promise. We have all next week to practice more."

"Okay," I whispered, kissing him softly. I got off of him and the dogs went back to Dodger's bed on the floor after we kissed their heads. Chris remade the bed, and he handed me the PJs.

I took them and went to the bathroom to use it quickly. When I came back out, I threw the clothes on his dresser. I needed to be naked tonight.

"Want something else?"

"No. I'm determined for you to cuddle me like this."

He laughed. "I love you. Let's go to bed. Your alarm set?"

"I love you too. And yes."

We crawled into bed, and Chris spooned me, and I fell asleep in minutes in his arms.

***

Sometime during the night, I woke up wanting to feel Chris's body against mine.

He felt me wake up. "Mmmm. Hey."

I reached back and pushed at the sweatpants on his hips until his cock sprang free. "I want to feel you against me," I whispered to him.

He kicked his pants all the way off and pressed himself against me from behind. "Like this?"

We were both on our sides, and my back was against his chest. He was sliding his hard cock against my slick sex.

I moaned and arched my body back into him. "Please," I begged.

His left hand slid over my hip and downward, and he shifted his hips to press his cock against my ass. His fingers teased my clit before pressing against my slick folds. I held my breath as one finger entered me, followed by another.

I laid on my back so it would be easier for him, and he started to slowly thrust his fingers in and out, making me mad with need.

His mouth attached to my breast, and I moaned loudly as his beard and mustache teased my sensitive skin. His fingers started thrusting faster and this thumb worked to tease my clit at the same time.

"Chris," I whimpered. "Feels so good."

He made an 'mmmm' sound around my breast and I cried out. His teeth latched on to my nipple and gently tugged.

His fingers curled inside me, hitting my g-spot as his thumb grazed my clit. At the same time, his teeth bit my nipple hard, and I went off like a rocket going off into space. The orgasm hit me so fast and strong, and I was yelling into the dimly lit room.

"Oh my god," I cried out as he brought me back down to earth.

Chris eased his fingers out of me and kissed me gently.

I turned toward him, going back to laying on my side so I could grasp his cock in my hand.

He stopped me. "You don't have to."

"I want to."

He smiled at me and kissed my lips. "I'm fine...this night was about you. I can wait until our vacation."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah."

"Okay fine but...you owe me. And you're not allowed to put your clothes back on tonight."

He chuckled. "Deal."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did you guys think?! Comments, please!!


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chris and Dee go on vacation together with Luna and Dodger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys!
> 
> I just realized I'm late with this chapter and I'm sorry!!
> 
> Also....just a small warning. Dee has a bit of a panic attack in this chapter toward the end.
> 
> But....things FINALLY happen....
> 
> So please enjoy!

Early Saturday morning, Seb and Lizzie drove Chris, Luna, Dodger and me to the airport and our vacation officially began.

Chris insisted on flying us first class so there wouldn't be an issue with the dogs and so Dodger would be able to stay with us and not have to go into cargo like other animals.

How could I say no?

Flying first class had been....an interesting experience for sure.

When we landed, Chris rented a large Escalade and we went to the nearest store to buy our food supplies for the whole week. Where the cabin was, there weren't any stores near it. The closest one was 45 minutes away.

Chris assured me that everything else we could possibly need was already stocked at the cabin, but he had told them not to bother with food so we could pick out our own stuff.

We'd left both dogs sleeping in the running car while we quickly shopped, and then we were driving out to the cabin.

Tennessee was beautiful. It was still cold here, and the closer we got to the Mountains, the more snow we saw.

The big vehicle had 4 wheel drive and easily got through the snow we encountered on the dirt road that led to the cabin.

It was still just barely light out, and I knew it wasn't going to be long until the sun went down.

When Chris pulled up to our cabin, I gasped. It was set at the foot of the mountains and overlooked a frozen lake with a forest behind that. The snow looked fresh and not too deep, and I could see the smoke rising from the chimney in the house. There were floor to ceiling windows in the front and back of the house so you could get the perfect view of the lake or the mountains.

"Wow," I said in total wonder as Chris pulled into the huge garage attached to the house.

"Wait until you see the inside."

We got out and let the dogs out the back door so they could go potty. They were so good off-leash that we weren't too worried about them. They came right back, not wanting to deal with the snow out there.

We closed up the back door and the garage door and unpacked the car, bringing everything into the house. We put all the food away first, and then Chris and I went looking around.

The living room was huge, and the whole area was a big open concept with the kitchen and dining room. Off the kitchen was a glass sliding door that led to a huge deck.

The whole house was warmly painted with beautiful wooden floors. There was a huge fireplace in the living room and a big pile of firewood on the deck.

There was a large bathroom off of the living room too. And then we checked out the top floor.

It was a wide-open loft overlooking the living room and there was a huge king-sized bed with a very large dog bed on the floor. There was also a gate that closed over the stairs which was good because I would be afraid of falling down the steps at night since it was so open. The master bath had a humongous window that overlooked the scenery with a huge tub in front of it. It was a large jacuzzi sized tub that was in front of the window. There was also a large glass shower, a double vanity sink, and a toilet of course.

"Chris...this is gorgeous. This is too much. I can't believe we get to stay here for 7 days."

He grinned and pulled me against him so we could look out the windows. "I've always wanted to come here. I just thought it'd be nice to get away from civilization with just us."

I smiled and turned in his arms to kiss him. "You're the best boyfriend ever."

"Mmm...you may not say that after I try cooking us dinner tonight."

I threw my head back and laughed. "I promise I will help you."

***

Once we finished dinner and let the dogs out again, we figured out there was a basement that had a few exercise machines and also a washer and dryer.

"You wanna work out a little?" he asked.

"Okay," I agreed, not seeing the harm in that.

...Turned out there WAS harm in that.

Because Chris liked to work out shirtless...and because I was so fucking horny...I couldn't even concentrate on my own workout.

"You okay? You've been sitting at that machine for 5 minutes and haven't done anything."

I looked at him, watching his arms flex as he lifted the weights. "Can you do me a favor?"

"Of course I can. What's up? Do you need help with the-"

"Chris, just...shut up and take off your clothes."

He raised his eyebrows as a slow smirk spread across his face. "Okay, babe. You got it."

He stood up and kicked his sneakers off, and then bent to take off his socks. He watched my face carefully as he pushed his shorts and underwear down at the same time and stepped out of them once they pooled around his ankles. "Now what, Dee? You're in charge."

I took a deep, calming breath. "Sit on the bench," I told him, pointing at the weight bench as I started stripping all of my clothes off.

When I was naked, I walked to him and tipped his head up so I could bend over and kiss him. I ran my hands over his body and then fell to my knees between his legs. I grasped his cock in my hand, stroking it until it became fully hard.

"I'm afraid I forget how," I whispered to him, biting my lip nervously.

He threaded his fingers into my hair and grazed the shaved part of my head behind my ear with his fingers. "Sweetheart, you're doing fine," he said, gasping as I gripped him harder.

I did what felt natural, stroking him slowly and then faster. His hand stayed in my hair, tugging on the strands as he moaned quietly. I bent my mouth toward him and tentatively took the tip of him into my mouth.

"Fuck," he moaned out.

I slid my mouth further down his hard cock, becoming more confident because of the sounds coming out of Chris. I kept going, using my hand as an extension of my mouth since he was so large.

"Dee, love, I'm going to-"

I didn't let him pull me away. I kept going until he yelled into the room and was spilling down the back of my throat. I swallowed it all down, and then pulled away from him.

Chris slid off the bench to the floor and laid there panting heavily. He was sweating a little still from his work out, and his elbows were bent as his hands wiped at his face. "Holy fuck," he said, looking over at me with pure lust in his eyes.

I blushed a little. "I'm glad you enjoyed that."

He laughed. "Enjoyed? Sweetheart, that was unbelievable." I smiled at him. "Come here," he said.

I crawled to him and straddled his stomach, leaning down to kiss him slowly. His hands roamed my body, and I felt one hand tease my slick folds from behind. I pulled away and sat up on his stomach.

"What do you want to do next, sweetheart?"

I blushed. "Um...I really want to umm..." I blushed harder and covered my face.

He chuckled and pulled my hands back so he could look me in the eye. "Dee, tell me what you want, love."

"I want your mouth on me."

"Where?"

"Here," I said, guiding his hand between my thighs.

His eyes darkened with arousal. "Dee, come up here, darling." His voice was so low I barely recognized it, and it made things tighten low in my body.

Chris guided me so my knees were over his shoulders and he was partially laying on my calves. His hands grasped my thighs and then his mouth was on me.

I moaned loudly and grabbed on to the bench for support as I threw my head back. Was I really sitting on his face while he ate me out right now? Holy shit.

James had NEVER done this. No matter how much I had asked...

This felt amazing. Chris started off slow, and my hips had a mind of their own as they started rocking above him.

"Baby," he gasped out from beneath me. "Touch your breasts for me. Let me see you."

I moaned loudly, and touched my breasts, tugging my own nipples, desperate for release. "Chris," I whimpered.

He watched me dance above him, and he sucked on my clit, his beard brushing all the sensitive parts of me.

I cursed loudly as I orgasmed, falling forward and catching myself on my hands so that I was on all fours.

Chris eased out from beneath me, and I turned to see his mouth and beard slick with the wetness from my body. Something took over me and I launched myself toward him, kissing him like my life depended on it. I tasted myself on his mouth and moaned.

He stood up and sat on the bench with me straddling his lap. His cock was hard and pressing against me again, and I steadied myself flat on my feet and positioned myself over his cock, ready to thrust down on him.

"Aw, fuck, Dee....wait." He stopped me as the tip of his cock pressed against my opening.

"Chris, you said I was in control. I'm ready for this. Please," I begged.

He picked me up in his strong arms and stood from the bench, starting to walk us out of the room. "Sweetheart, I know. I want this too, but I want our first time to be on a bed...not on a workout bench."

"Okay," I agreed, loving that he was able to carry me so easily. We went up one flight of stairs, and then up to the loft. The dogs, we had seen, were fast asleep on the couch in the living room.

When we got to our bed, Chris sat himself up against the headboard with me still straddling him. My heart pounded as he reached around my ass and grasped his cock.

"Are you sure?" he asked. "We don't have to."

"Chris, damnit! Please!"

"Promise me you'll tell me to stop if you can't do this. I will stop at any point. Just tell me."

I nodded at him, and he searched my face for a moment before he started pressing himself inside of me. My heart was pounding. He was very big...and I was very tight. It almost hurt, and I was thankful I had been practicing with a vibrator for weeks now or it would have been unbearable.

"You okay?"

I swallowed and nodded. "Y-yeah. You're just big."

"Fuck," he said through gritted teeth once he was fully inside of me. "Dee, breathe. Does it hurt?"

I let out a shaky breath and dug my fingernails into his shoulders. "No. I'm okay."

"Kiss me," he said, and I did. I kissed him for a while as my body adjusted to the size of him.

When I felt more comfortable, I braced my knees against the bed and slowly started to pull off of him. When just the tip of him was inside of me, I pushed back down and almost laughed as his eyes nearly rolled back into his head.

"Fucking hell!" he shouted, his hands gripping my hips.

We started going at a faster pace, and I wrapped my arms around his head and leaned our foreheads together.

"I love you," I told him, feeling tears in my eyes.

"I love you too." And I saw his eyes were filled with so much emotion too.

His hands helped me thrust my hips up and down, and soon enough we were both shouting our release.

I placed my head on his shoulder and started crying hard.

"Dee," he panicked. "Baby, what's wrong? Did I hurt you?" He pulled me off of him and set me on the bed.

I curled up into a ball and couldn't speak. Luna and Dodger came running up the stairs.

"Shit," Chris said, panicking more now. "Dee, please. Please, baby, please. Tell me what's wrong."

I kept crying, and a few minutes later I heard Chris on the phone.

"Lizzie, I swear I didn't do anything! I let her have all the control! I didn't push her." He paused. "Stop yelling at me! Please, just talk to her. Please! I'm begging you. I'm freaking out right now." He sat on the bed and put his phone against my ear. "It's Lizzie."

With a shaking hand, I took the phone and heard Lizzie's voice on the other side. "Dee? Sweetie, is that you?"

"Yeah," I croaked out, grabbing hold of the phone.

"Dee, what's wrong? Did Chris hurt you?"

"No."

"Dee, listen to me...listen to my voice, okay? You're safe. You're okay. Take 10 deep breaths and count them with me okay?" We did the breaths and counted them. "Okay, good job. Let's do it one more time." We did it again, and I finally started to feel a little better.

I looked over at Chris who was sitting on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands and saw tear tracks going down his face. It made my heart ache to see. "Lizzie," I whispered.

"Listen, Dee, get up and go to the bathroom."

I swallowed hard and did as she said. "I upset him."

"You scared him. He was so worried. What happened?"

I used the toilet quickly, not caring if she could hear, and cleaned myself up before sitting on the edge of the tub. "Lizzie, I don't even know. We...God, Lizzie, it was amazing. It was so amazing. I've never felt so..."

"Free? Like your soul finally came back to your body?"

"Yes." I swallowed hard. "How did you know?"

"I should have warned you. If I would have thought you two were going to have sex on this trip...I would have warned you."

"Warned me about what?"

"The first time I had sex after...well, you know. It was amazing, but I had been expecting it to be scary. I enjoyed it so much...but I kind of went into sensory overload and freaked out after...just like you."

"Lizzie, I couldn't help myself. I was in control. For once, I was in control...and I wanted it so bad. I wanted HIM so bad."

"I know, Dee. And then your brain sort of went haywire and threw you into a panic attack. He got so scared. He called me because he didn't know what else to do."

"He's crying," I said, hearing my own voice crack with tears.

"He thought he hurt you. He thought he pushed you into everything too soon."

"He didn't. I swear he didn't."

"Go talk to him. Do you feel calmer now?"

"Yeah...mostly. Thanks, Lizzie."

"You're welcome, sweetie. Anytime. Go talk to him. Bye."

"Bye."

I hung up and held my head in my hands, feeling embarrassed that this had happened. I got up and walked back out to see Luna and Dodger sitting on either side of him on the bed.

"Chris, I'm-" I choked on my words as he looked up at me with such a wounded expression on his face. "Chris...no." I went to him and sat next to Luna, grabbing his arm. "I'm sorry. I don't know what-" I swallowed hard. "I promise you didn't hurt me. It was nothing you did."

He wiped his face. "Did you get thrown into a panic attack?"

I nodded and moved around Luna so I could crawl into his lap. "I don't know what happened. Chris...that was amazing. More amazing than I ever could have imagined. And I don't know what I was expecting but it wasn't...that. All these emotions sort of just hit me. Lizzie thinks I had like sensory overload that helped throw me into an attack."

He hugged me tight to him and moved into the center of the bed so he could cross his legs under me. "Did we do this too soon for you? I feel like I fucked this up."

I looked him in the eye. "No. No...I needed this so bad. I wanted you so bad. I haven't felt like that since..." I trailed off. It'd been so long…

"Me too."

"You made me feel safe and wanted. You let me be in control. Chris, I love you so much and that was perfect. I'm sorry my brain fucked everything up."

He shook his head and kissed me gently. "Nothing is fucked up. You just scared me and I didn't know what to do. I called Lizzie because I know she dealt with something similar."

"I'm still really sorry. Chris, I love you so much. You...you showed me that I'm not as broken as I thought. I was so scared that we wouldn't be able to even have sex. I was scared that we'd figure that out this week and you'd...come to your senses and realize I'm not enough for you."

"What? Dee, no. No way." He tucked my hair back behind my ears. "Not enough for me? You are everything to me."

A large smile broke out over my face. "Did you...did you just quote 'The Office' at me?"

"Did it work?"

"God, yes." I kissed him for a moment before pulling back. "Chris, I love you...I love you so much."

"I love you too...more than you know."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wellllll...what did everyone think?!
> 
> Those of you who have been commenting, thank you SO much. I really appreciate all of the kind words and encouragement. Keep 'em comin'!


	19. Lumberjack Fantasy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chris and Dee wake up to more snow and make the most out of their day stuck inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay this one is short but..
> 
> Full shut ahead!

The next morning, I woke up alone. I figured Chris had taken the dogs out, so I got up and put on a pair of boy short underwear that had little Captain America shields on them and grabbed one of Chris's t-shirts that he had put in the dresser. It was a plain navy v-neck.

I slid on my black moccasin slippers and went down the steps to see Chris leaning against the windows facing the mountains with a cup of coffee in his hand and a smile on his face. He was only wearing a pair of sweatpants low on his hips, and I sneakily took a picture of him with my phone because I had to remember how fucking sexy he looked with disheveled hair.

"Did you just take my picture?"

I laughed. "You're standing there looking like that and you're surprised I took it? Of course, I did."

He blushed and wrapped an arm around me as I hugged him. "Look." He pointed out the back door.

The dogs were playing in the snow and looking like total lunatics.

"It snowed a bit more last night," he said. "I wanted to venture out there but it might be too deep."

"Mmm," I said, stealing his coffee cup and taking a sip. He liked his coffee the same way I liked it. "Whatever will we do stuck in this house all day?" I teased, rubbing my hand over the bulge in his pants.

He smiled against my hair and slid his hand up the shirt to my rest on my stomach. "You're ready for more?"

I bit my lip. "Yeah. Is that...is that okay?" I whispered, suddenly unsure of myself.

"It's more than okay," he told me, turning me toward him to kiss me gently.

The dogs barked and we saw they were on the deck so we quickly let them in and dried them off.

Chris made breakfast, we fed the dogs, and then both of us dressed in our warm gear to shovel some of the snow off the deck. We had to keep the woodpile from being buried too much.

We shoveled a path off the deck and to the garage where Chris grabbed an axe, and I got to live an actual fantasy of mine which was watching him chop firewood. It was too cold to do it outside, but the garage was so big that he was able to set up in there. He even had on a flannel shirt, I realized, as he took his jacket off.

He split the logs like it was nothing, and he piled a bunch by the door leading into the house so we could easily reach them and they wouldn't get wet outside in the snow. When he was done, we started heading back into the house.

"So...that was fucking hot."

He raised an eyebrow at me. "Lumberjack fantasy?"

I sighed as we stripped off our winter gear. "You have no idea how fucking turned on I am right now."

"Show me," he said, and it sounded a lot like an order.

"Yeah?" I swallowed. "Okay." I stripped off all my clothes. I hopped up onto the sturdy dining room table and pushed the chairs so that my feet could rest on them. I spread my legs and started rubbing my clit in slow circles.

"Jesus fucking Christ."

"You said to show you," I said with a breathy moan. He started taking off his clothes. "Leave the pants for now. And please take the shirt off beneath your flannel but then put it back on and button it up."

He raised his eyebrows at me in question. "Okay." He kicked off his winter gear, boots and socks but left on his jeans. He did what I said with the shirt, and I kept slowly rubbing my clit as I watched him.

"Come here," I said. Chris walked to me, and I undid his jeans and pushed them down to almost his knees. I grabbed the edges of his flannel. "Listen...I promise I can sew," I said before literally ripping the shirt apart, and a bunch of buttons went flying all over. "Holy shit that was hot."

"Dee," he growled.

"Chris, fuck me." I grasped the edges of his shirt and pulled his hips closer to mine.

A groan burst from his lips as he shoved his cock into me hard and fast. I moaned loudly and threw my head back, allowing him access to kiss my neck and breasts.

"Chris," I whimpered. "Oh my god."

His hands gripped the edge of the table next to my hips as he thrust in and out of me. "Fucking hell. Shit!" Chris pulled me off the table and sat on one of the chairs with me on his lap.

I was like a sex-crazed lunatic as I braced both feet on the floor and kept fucking him at a fast pace. My hands were gripped in the fabric of his flannel still, helping to push my body down onto him.

"Oh God, Chris," I cried out as his fingers found my clit and set me off into orgasm.

Chris shouted as my body squeezed over him when I orgasmed.

When it ended, I leaned my forehead against his. "I'm okay," I told him. "I promise I'm okay."

"Good," he said, a sheen of sweat over his body. "Turn around."

I didn't even question it. I got up and turned my back toward him, my knees on either side of his as he pulled my hips back toward him. My hands gripped the table as he entered me again.

He controlled my hips with his hands, and I steadied myself on my feet as he brought my hips up and down, hard and fast.

"Fuck. Baby, I can't..."

My fingers found my clit again and my other hand pulled hard on one of my nipples as he thrust hard into me and hit my g-spot. Both of us yelled loudly as we climaxed.

I bent forward so I could lean my arms and head against the table as I panted for air. "Fuck. Holy fuck. Holy shit," I panted, making Chris laugh.

"Um yeah, what you said."

It took us a few minutes before we could breathe properly again, but I felt great. No sense of impending panic attack. No tears.

God...I felt fucking amazing.

I got off of him and went to the bathroom to clean up, and Chris followed me in there. We took a quick shower in the small stall in the downstairs bathroom, and when we came out, all I put back on was my Captain America underwear and my glasses. I found the buttons that came off the shirt, picked them up, found a sewing kit, and went to work sewing the buttons back on to his flannel.

Chris went around cleaning up our clothes from just now as well as the night before in the work out room downstairs. He came back in just those damn sweatpants again, and I hissed as I hit my finger with the needle.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, but your flannel may have a bloodstain."

He laughed. "It will come out. You want some lunch? Because I don't know about you but...I worked up an appetite."

I gave him a sultry look through my eyelashes as I tried to concentrate on sewing. "Mmm...I'm hungry too."

Out of the corner of my eye, I watched him work around the kitchen and make us some ham and cheese sandwiches with pickles and chips on the side. I'd definitely make us a more substantial meal for tonight. I was craving fresh-cut fries and fried chicken, and knew we had all of the supplies to make it.

When the buttons were sewn back onto the shirt, I slid the fabric over my arms and buttoned about 3 buttons in the middle of the shirt so there was still substantial cleavage showing and so my belly button piercing showed when I walked.

Chris set the food down and we ate quietly and watched the dogs sleep in the living room.

"So...can we talk about that?"

"Talk about what?" I asked.

"That...sex we just had."

I froze. "Um...was it not okay?"

"No! It was great. I just meant...like...I think that's the best sex I've ever had is all."

I blushed bright red. "Really?"

"Yeah...really. That was...I don't know what came over you, but I loved it."

I blushed again. "I feel like...I'm really starting to feel good again. Also, you're ridiculously good looking and...I happen to have MANY fantasies about you but the lumberjack one was the biggest one."

He tipped his head back and laughed. "Many, huh?"

"So many."

"There's this like...new confidence in you today. It's...beautiful, Dee."

I blushed. "Thank you." I looked up at him when we were done eating. "I'm starting to feel like...a brand new person, but this is still me. This is the most me I've ever been and it's...it's really amazing."

He got up and came around the table to kiss me. "I would like the record to reflect that I'm willing to sacrifice whatever in order for you to keep discovering who you are."

I laughed and swatted his arm as I stood up. "You made that sound so fucking dirty."

"Oh, it was supposed to be."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welllllll what did we think????  
> Comments please!


	20. The healing continues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dee and Chris continue their vacation with some serious talks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, all.
> 
> This chapter had a LOT of feels. Dee dives a little bit deep into her past relationship. I'm just warning everyone...

I made another cup of coffee and walked over to the couch to sit with the dogs. I sipped my coffee and then put it down on the coffee table before laying down with my head resting on Dodger's side.

Dodger huffed and curled closer to me so that his head could rest in the crook of my neck. I bent my right arm back beneath his head so I could rub his soft fur slowly. Luna crawled on top of me, and I bent my right leg up to make room for her. She settled on top of me with her head resting on my stomach, and I stroked her soft fur. She was looking at me with such love in her eyes it was almost like she was a person.

"I love you, my girl," I told her, and she made a noise in the back of her throat, almost a howl. It made me smile because I knew it was her way of saying it back.

Dodger responded by howling in my ear.

"You brat," I told him, turning to kiss his wet nose. "You know I love you too."

Both dogs howled again, and Chris started laughing hard. I saw he had his phone out, and knew he had been recording it. I smiled at him, surprisingly not caring about him taping this when I didn't have many clothes on.

"Did you get all that?"

He put his phone down and sat on the floor right by me since we were taking up the whole couch. He was facing me with his legs bent toward his chest and his arms resting on his knees. "I got it all. I also got a picture because I have never seen anything sexier in my life than you laying here with my shirt on, barely buttoned, with a pair of underwear barely covering your ass. And the fact that they have little shields on them is doing some weird shit to my ego."

I made a face. "Really? Sexy? Even with my hair not washed, no make-up...and the huge scar on my leg?"

He traced the scar with his fingers, making me shiver. "Every single inch of you is perfect." He picked up the phone to show me the picture he took, and something unclenched around my heart and clicked in my brain. He was right. It was such a sexy picture.

My hair was flowing over Dodger's side, and the shirt was gaping open in just the right places, showing my belly button and just a little bit of boob action but it was tactful. The booty shorts were on display, and the leg I had bent up looked curvy. And my ass? Wow, did it look good.

I handed him back the phone. "I've never been okay with my body," I told him, taking my arm out from under Dodger to wrap around Chris's shoulders. He had moved so his back was leaning against the couch, and he slouched down so his head could rest on my stomach next to Luna. He started absentmindedly rubbing my arm with his fingers, and I continued on. "Before I met James, I had always been...not fat, but definitely chunky. I was never teased or bullied. I had 2 or so boyfriends in high school and lost my virginity to one of those knuckleheads...the jock type. I wasn't popular, but I was always a floater. I would hang out with everyone...be friendly to everyone. Stick up for those who were bullied. In college, it was the same. I had a few more boyfriends...went to some stupid parties and had some one night stands. Which when I look back on now, were probably not smart."

"Been there."

"Yeah so...no one ever made me feel bad about my body. I was the one who did, but I faked as much confidence as I could. When I met James, he seemed to like how I looked. I mean, he approached me first, after all. We went very fast. Casually dating to very serious within a week. Within a month, we were moving off campus into an apartment together. We were married by the fall semester of our senior year of college...only about 5 months after we first started dating. When we were married, that's when the red flags started coming out."

"Jesus."

"He felt we were married now so he could tell me what to do. He told me what to eat...how much to eat. He told me what to wear. He started telling me he didn't like how my body looked. I was stupid. I was scared to lose him so I started throwing myself headfirst into fad diets and exercising like crazy. I was 160 when we got married in August, and by the time Christmas came, I had gone down to 110."

He sighed and kissed my hand, and I stroked over his beard and face gently.

"Everyone started telling me how good I looked. But I hated what I saw in the mirror. My hip bones poked out too much. I had no curve left to my body...my breasts had shrunk from a size C to a size A. Then James started telling me he thought I should get breast implants, but I refused. We fought about it all the time...but I kept refusing. He said my thighs were still too thick for his liking...my stomach wasn't defined enough...my arms were too flabby. I had lost 50 pounds...and it still wasn't enough for him." I took a deep breath and swallowed past the lump in my throat. "I wasn't allowed to wear anything revealing. He would make me change if he didn't like what I was wearing. He liked me shaved...down there...or he wouldn't have sex with me."

"What a fucking asshole." Chris's face was turned toward me, and I looked down at him.

"Yes. When we graduated...he moved us from Ohio to Oregon because he got offered a job as a police officer in Portland. He made me leave behind my books...anything that I had sentimental value to, and that's how he started secluding me from my family and friends. He controlled when I talked to them. Eventually...my friends gave up. My parents...spoke to me less and less. When I started telling them James was hitting me, they didn't believe me. Why would a police officer who was such an amazing man beat his wife?" Tears started falling down my face. "I gave up trying to convince them, and soon the calls stopped all together."

"I knew I couldn't depend on them if I somehow got out." I took a deep breath as Chris kissed and rubbed my arm lovingly. "When I finally escaped, I started putting weight back on. I kept fit...I kept going to the gym...but I purposely gained weight. I wore clothes that I loved and knew he hated. I stopped doing things he would make me do...like shaving. I mean not like I don't keep myself groomed...but like you get me. I know that sounds silly."

"It doesn't. You're finally doing things on your terms." He looked me in the eye. "How do you feel about your body now?"

"Well, I wasn't sure until you just showed me that picture. But I like the way I look there. I'm curvy but really fit. I'm getting braver with my clothes. I don't...love the scars, but I think I'm embracing them better."

"You're beautiful. You're the most gorgeous woman on the planet. Every single inch of you is beautiful...inside and out." I blushed. "I'm serious." He turned his body toward me so he could kiss me. "You've really started coming into your own since we met in October...like a caterpillar transforming into a butterfly. It's been beautiful to watch."

"You're the one who helped me do that...you know that right?"

"I'm glad I could help, but it hasn't all been me. A lot of it has been you." He kissed the dogs and then gently scooped me up off the couch into his strong arms.

"Where are you taking me?"

"Upstairs," he said as he carried me up them, skipping every other step with no problem.

"You know...you keep carrying me around like this and it's very caveman of you."

Chris laughed hard. "Me? Caveman? How about...me Tarzan, you Jane?"

I laughed as he set me on the bed. "You're definitely hotter than Alexander Skarsgard...but am I hotter than Margot Robbie? I'm going with no. Have you seen her? She's beautiful."

"She IS really pretty, but you're hands down the most beautiful woman in the world."

I watched as he started digging around in his bags. He pulled out a gift bag, and I frowned at him. "Chris, you weren't supposed to get me anything else for my birthday. This vacation was more than enough...and the party-"

"I know, and I broke the rules." He sat cross-legged on the bed in front of me. "You know how your favorite pendant went missing?"

I touched my neck and frowned. My favorite pendant, a blue goldstone pendant strung on black cord, had gone missing weeks ago and I had felt lost without it. I wore it every day and always wore it under my shirt so I could feel it against my skin. It was my favorite necklace. "Yeah...I still can't find it."

"Okay don't be mad but...I took it. But for a good reason!" he said as I frowned harder at him. He took a small box out of the bag and handed it to me.

My fingers stroked the pretty galaxy wrapping paper before I opened the package. In it was my beautiful pendant, reset in a better setting, polished, and strung on a new cord. It had been reset into metal carved with beautiful filigree, and the cord was made long just like before with an adjuster bead that matched the new setting. I pulled it over my head and let it swing low between my breasts as I touched it and rubbed it with my fingers. "Where did you take it?"

Chris blushed a little and rubbed the back of his neck. "So, you remember when you and Lizzie went to that Charcoal Moons store down the street from Tom's apartment?" I nodded. "Well, on the way back from L.A. for one of the last award shows...I actually stopped in New York first before coming home. I had taken your necklace the week before because I knew it needed to be fixed, and I took it to the owner at Charcoal Moons. She remembered you and Lizzie right away, and when I asked her if she could fix it for you, she happily agreed. She started telling me about blue goldstone and how, in crystal healing, it's meant to bring confidence and ambition. It's beautiful...and it made sense to me why you were so drawn to it. I asked her if she could make me a few things..." He pushed the bag over to me. "Um...I gave her some really vague details about what I thought you might want, and she said that even from just meeting you for that little bit that night that she knew just what to make."

I opened the bag to find more little wrapped boxes and started opening them one by one. The first thing I opened was a dainty sized ring with a beautiful stone set atop a band carved with more filigree. It fit my ring finger on my right hand perfectly. Next, I opened a pair of small post earrings each with a small stone attached. I put them in my ears right away. The next box held a beautiful triple goddess necklace that was small and dainty...about the size of a dime and the middle moon was a blue goldstone. Another box held 4 beaded bracelets, all rounded beads of blue goldstone. Each one had a silver bead with a charm dangling from it to break up the goldstone. One had a lotus flower, one had an Om symbol, one had a Triskele symbol, and the last had a Celtic Trinity Knot. I knew what the symbols meant. The lotus flower meant enlightenment and rebirth, the Om and the Triskel meant strength, and the Celtic trinity knot meant eternal love.

"I got 4 so you could wear 2 on each arm," he said in a quiet voice.

I was choked up with emotion, and I nodded and put 2 on each wrist before opening the next box. This one was a plain ring made out of all blue goldstone and it fit my left thumb perfectly. The next box was another necklace made with a black cord with a big stone that had wire wrapped around it in the shape of a tree. I put it on too and the length was perfect for resting between the pendant and triple moon goddess necklace. I pulled out the last box which was the heaviest and was stunned to find several stones in it. One was a heart carved out of the beautiful stone almost the size of my palm, another was a worry stone with the thumb indentation, and the third was a big pointed crystal with a flat bottom that was about 4 inches tall and 2 inches wide. It would be perfect on my dresser or nightstand.

"You had all this made for...me?"

He nodded. "Oh, and one more thing..." He pulled a small tiny ziplock bag out of his pocket. There were two small balls in it that matched the rest of the stones. "For your belly button piercing. Josh actually had some that would fit with the bar you have."

I smiled and took the bag from him and laid flat on the bed to change out the balls on the piercing. "You...really thought of everything."

He grinned and grabbed one of my feet. "Well, I mean I could have gotten you an ankle bracelet..."

I laughed and put my other foot in his lap. "Missed opportunity. But really, Chris, everything is beautiful. I love it all so much. Thank you."

"I'm glad you love it all. I was so excited when she shipped the stuff to me last week. I almost gave it to you before your birthday."

"I'm glad you waited until today. I just told you a lot of heavy stuff."

"Yeah, I figured this would be the perfect time to cheer you up." He crawled up the bed and laid next to me, and I turned to face him and bent my elbow to lean my head in my hand to look down at him. I gently traced the tattoos on his chest. "I'll share some heavy stuff of my own with you."

"Go ahead. You know you can."

He nodded. "I know, but I guess that I...choose to mostly not talk about it as my own way of coping." He sighed. "You know I've suffered from depression and anxiety for years. It's mostly managed now, but sometimes I do still have panic attacks. When I was first starting out as an actor...it can be hard. People expect you to do things in certain ways. They expect you to look a certain way. Everything you say and do is scrutinized under a microscope."

"I can't imagine that's an easy way to live."

"No. It's not. They expect you to date certain people. They expect you to be married by a certain age...kids...everything. I threw myself into studying Buddhism to find ways to cope. It helps mostly. Being out of L.A. helps. That place is...I hate going back there. The paps follow your every move. I actually hate award shows and premieres and interviews." He looked me in the eye. "I'm uncomfortable with my body too."

I furrowed my eyebrows at him. "Really?"

He nodded. "It's not that I think I'm overweight...I just feel like if I don't look perfect people judge me. I actually hate having my shirt off for roles or shoots. I try not to do it unless absolutely necessary...like Captain America. I knew what I was signing up for. But since then, directors might say well you need to look a certain way or dress in clothes that are clearly too tight. Shave your body hair. Cover your tattoos. Make your hair a light color because it's too dark for this part and blah blah. I'm very picky with roles now."

I looked down at him. "I love your tattoos. I love all the hair." I sat up and sat cross-legged next to him and he wrapped his arm around my legs so his hand could rest against my ass. "I love your body. I really do. I know you work hard to stay fit, and trust me...it's very much appreciated on my end. But you have to be happy. You have to accept yourself as you are, but I think it's a great start that you started setting boundaries. Don't take roles that you have to change your whole look for. Don't do things that make you feel uncomfortable. Don't let your publicist or whoever the fuck it is tell you what to wear." I sighed. "Am I even saying the right things here? You're very good at listening to me and saying exactly what I need to hear in the moment, and I sort of feel like I'm not as good. Does that make me a bad girlfriend?"

"No. You're the perfect girlfriend. And you said all the right things." He looked over at me and grinned before he squeezed my butt with his hand and patted his stomach. "Come here."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welllll what did we think?
> 
> I really love how freely Dee is able to talk to Chris. I just love these 2 so much!


	21. Talk of the future

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dee and Chris talk about their future together and continue to get lost in each other's company.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, all! Sorry for the delay. I don't have many chapters left to post and I have to finish this story still....so I'm gonna start posting a little less regularly until I can get writing again.
> 
> This whole chapter is almost all sex so enjoy!

I smiled at him and then straddled him, as requested. He looked up at me with so much love and tenderness in his eyes that it made my throat tighten with emotion for a moment. His hand cupped my face, and I turned my head to kiss the palm of his hand.

His hands dropped to the buttons on the flannel, and he carefully unbuttoned them and spread the fabric open, exposing my breasts. A small moan escaped my lips as his hands touched the newly exposed skin.

I let Chris push my hips forward a little, and felt him push his sweatpants down to mid-thigh so his cock could spring free. A gasp escaped me as one of his hands pulled my underwear aside and the other guided his cock inside of me.

He felt so impossibly big, and I felt so tight, my body fighting against him to try and accommodate his size without me being wet. "Shit," he said. "Wait. I think I have lube..." He pulled out of me and reached over to the nightstand drawer. He pulled out a bottle and quickly spread some over his cock and me as well before repeating the same process.

"Wow," I said with a moan, my head thrown back as my body tingled with sensation. I wasn't sure if him fucking me with my underwear on bothered him, but he didn't stop me to make me take it off which was a whole new level of sexy for some reason.

I started moving above him, rolling my hips down against his, feeling emboldened by the fact that he wanted me so badly that he didn't even let clothes be a barrier.

"Holy fuck," he groaned, hands alternating between gripping my hips and tugging on my nipples. "Whatever you're doing with your hips please keep doing it," he panted out.

I smirked down at him and rolled my hips slower, like a dance of sorts. Each roll of my hips brought loud moans from his mouth.

I kept going, and eventually, we orgasmed together and both of us shouted loudly into the room.

He laid beneath me panting heavily and wiped the sweat off his face. "Fuck."

I sighed as he pulled out of me, and I straightened my underwear back to where it belonged. Not that it did any good... We definitely needed new clothes and a shower.

Chris was looking at me in amazement. "You little minx. You lied to Mackie. You know EXACTLY how to use your hips."

I threw my head back and laughed. "Yeah, you know...I just didn't want to dance with him and bring more attention focused on me."

Chris laughed and sat up against the headboard, with me still straddling him, so he could kiss me. "Mmm well, now I need to see you dance."

"We have all week."

***

It was Friday, 7 days after we arrived at the remote cabin. We were leaving in the morning to fly into New York so that I could have my first tattoo session with Josh to cover the scar on my lower abdomen. We were going to spend the night at Tom's since it'd been a while since Luna saw her boyfriend.

I knew Tom was just as smitten with Luna as she was with him.

The whole week Chris and I had ridden 4 wheelers and snowmobiles, hiked, ice fished, gone for walks in the woods, played in the snow, brought the dogs with us everywhere... 

And inside...we had danced, played board games, watched a few movies, talked so much about things we had never discussed before, chopped firewood, sang music at the top of our lungs...oh and had so much sex it was almost unreal.

He was like a machine. I didn't even know it was possible for a guy to have this kind of stamina...and I certainly didn't EVER think I would be enjoying sex this much again.

We'd come such a long way...and by this morning, I was even trusting him enough to let him get on top of me during sex. It was actually beautiful to watch him above me.

God, what was happening to me?

He had smashed through every single wall and blockade I had put up around me. He'd made me break every rule I had set in place for myself... He still scared the shit out of me at times, but I knew even with all of that...there was so much love. All of my barriers had been broken down, and I had let him inside in ways I didn't think were imaginable.

He didn't run from the darkest parts of me. He embraced them, mixed them with his own darkness, and shined a light so fucking bright on us both that it was blinding.

I loved him so much.

This was it for me. I would never be able to love someone like this again. And I realized with a shock that I didn't ever want to. There was only him from here on out.

Only him. Only me. Only us.

Us...and the dogs.

***

Chris and I were enjoying our last full day at the cabin by spending some more time outside with the dogs. The two of them absolutely loved the snow, and they'd play in it until they probably froze to death if we didn't make them go in.

We had ridden a snowmobile around the lake with the dogs running behind us. They had their boots and coats on to keep them warm so their little paws wouldn't get frostbite or anything. We parked the snowmobile and were standing at the edge of the frozen lake with the dogs by our sides.

"Have you ever thought about getting married again?" Chris suddenly blurted out.

I froze and turned my head to look at him. "W-what?"

He blushed bright red and nervously adjusted his hat. "Um...I just...we talked about so much this week but we haven't discussed that. I'm just curious but didn't know how to beach that topic. Damnit, I'm sorry. Forget I asked. I don't want to scare-"

"Chris, stop," I said, leaning my body against his. "You just caught me off guard." I went on tiptoe to kiss his lips. "I've actually um...been thinking about that a lot."

"Yeah?" His eyes looked hopeful.

I blushed and nodded. "I didn't want to like...freak you out either. We've come so far. I'd be lying if I said I didn't see a future with you. You've given me a second chance at living the life I've always wanted, and I would love if...one day in the future, that maybe included marriage."

He was quiet as he stepped behind me to wrap his arms around me for warmth. "I'm glad to hear that. I see a future with you too. I want it all with you."

"Even if you can't have kids?" I whispered.

"You know that I'm more than okay with it. I just want you. I just want you in my life...for always. There are other options...maybe we could adopt kids together."

I felt tears pool in my eyes. "Do you really mean that?"

"Yes. Dee, I love you. I love you so much. I don't want to live a life without you. I will do whatever it takes to keep you at my side. I don't ever want to lose you. And I think...we could make it work...adopting kids, I mean."

I smiled and glanced back at him. "Have you ever thought about what kind of wedding you'd want? Or is that something guys don't think about?"

He laughed and started to lead us back to the snowmobile. "I never really thought about it other than I'd like it to be outside. You know I love the outdoors. What about you?"

We sat on the snowmobile, and I wrapped my arms around him as he whistled for the dogs to come back to us. "I didn't really get what I wanted the first time. But...the more I think about it now, the more I would love an outdoor wedding too. In the fall...in October. With the leaves changing color. Maybe near a lake. And don't laugh but...a gazebo." He laughed and I smacked his back. "I said don't laugh!"

"I'm sorry!" he said with a chuckle. "But I'm more laughing because I actually think that's fucking perfect."

"Good. Because I'm not backing down on my gazebo."

"I think Lizzie would call you a 'basic bitch' if she were here."

We both laughed hard as he started the snowmobile up and we went back to the cabin with the dogs running behind us.

***

Chris had made us a wonderful dinner of fish crisped to perfection and homemade french fries in the air fryer. He had told me if I wanted to work out after dinner that he would take care of the dogs, so I went downstairs by myself and went through a workout routine.

I did a little yoga to help stretch, went through a weight lifting routine, and then ended with using the punching bag in the corner to practice some defense moves.

I had no idea how much time had passed, but I knew I must have been down there for over an hour. I was drenched in sweat, and I finally stopped punching the bag to lean over with my hands on my knees to pant for air.

"Hey," Chris said. "You okay?"

My heart was beating fast from the exercise, and because I had been picturing James as I punched the bag over and over which made me feel a little uneasy. Sweat poured down my face and I used a towel to wipe it off. "I'm okay. How long have you been standing there?"

I heard him walk in, but he kept his distance from me. "For a while," he said. "You were going pretty hard on that for like 20 minutes. I didn't want to interrupt you and scare you."

"Thanks."

He sat on the bench and threw me a damp washcloth that he had brought down for me. I caught it easily and wiped my face, neck, and chest, grateful for the cool water.

My muscles were already sore, so I knew I had gone a little too crazy with this workout. I threw the towel and washcloth to the floor and stretched my muscles out.

"Are you sure you're okay?" he asked me in a quiet voice.

I turned to him then, finally looking at him. His hair was disheveled and he was shirtless with just a pair of jeans on that were unbuttoned, and he was barefoot. I swallowed hard and tried to chase back the immediate feelings of desire I felt go through me at seeing him like that. "Um. I'm just feeling a little bit vulnerable right now." I met his eyes and felt like he was looking right into my soul. "I don't know why but I was envisioning him when I was punching the bag."

"Come here," he whispered, holding his hands out to me.

"I'm covered in sweat," I warned him, but let my feet lead me to him.

"I don't care. Let me take care of you," he begged, and I watched his eyes become vulnerable.

I nodded and straddled his lap as he wrapped his arms firmly around my butt and stood up. I wrapped my legs and arms around him, watching his face closely as he carried me upstairs.

When he made it to the big bathroom adjacent to our bedroom, he set me on my feet.

He had lit candles all over the bathroom so that the room was dimly lit in the dark night. Out of the big windows, we could see the full moon shining brightly over the lake, and the number of stars shining in the sky was absolutely breathtaking. Some of the candles had no scent, but I noticed others were a faint pumpkin smell, and a smile crossed my face.

He really knew me so well.

Chris had run the big bath for us, and I could see some steam filling the area from the warm water. "Go ahead," he said, urging me toward the tub. "Your muscles will feel better."

I stripped off my sweaty clothes and dropped them to the floor before swinging a leg into the tub. I sighed at the feeling of the hot water as I slowly slid my whole body in. I shut my eyes and dipped my head in before coming back up. He'd added a little bit of vanilla soap to the water, I noticed, and I sat back in the tub into the one seat that was built into it.

My eyes snapped out as I heard him picking up my dirty clothes from the floor. "Please tell me you're joining me in here."

"I was hoping you'd ask." He set my dirty clothes aside, and then unzipped his pants and let them fall to the tile floor.

A moan slipped out of my mouth before I could stop it, and I went to my knees in the tub. He'd been naked under the jeans.

"Oh, beautiful, if you could see the look on your face right now..." he said as he walked toward me. "What do you want?"

"Come here," I beckoned, and when he reached the edge of the tub, I leaned out and wasted no time taking his cock into my mouth.

"Fuck," he gasped, threading his fingers through my hair so he could tug on the wet strands to urge me on.

I made an 'mmmm' sound around his cock, and was outrageously satisfied at the choking noise that came out of his mouth after. I took as much of him into my mouth as I could and sucked hard, running my tongue over the thick vein in his shaft in a way I knew drove him wild.

"Dee!" he yelled, pulling back from my mouth in shock. "Do you want me to come before I can properly fuck you?!" he growled out at me.

I felt my pussy clench and drip with desire at the harsh tone he had used with me. He didn't normally talk like that, but something about this raw moment between us was turning me on so much I could barely stand it. "Then get in here and fuck me," I snapped at him, standing up in the water.

He got in and lifted me into his arms again before pinning my body against the cold glass window that overlooked the mountains. There was a small ledge between the tub and window, but he was able to easily balance on the floor of the tub. There were candles below us, but they were far enough away that I didn't worry too much.

Actually, I didn't have time to worry about anything as he was suddenly thrusting into me and fucking me hard against the glass.

I yelled out and dug my heels into his back to urge him on. My nails dug into his shoulders as he kissed me hard. I had to pull out of the kiss to throw my head back and moan, and he immediately attached his mouth to my neck and shoulder, biting down gently.

With how hard and fast he was pounding into me, it didn't take long for those waves to come crashing over me and I orgasmed, screaming into the empty room for him.

He slowed his hips and gently pulled me away from the wall. "You okay?"

"Yeah," I said with a slight wince as he sat us into the warm water. "Not the greatest for my back, but my god...that was hot. You were like a fucking lunatic."

His mischievous smile made me clench over his cock, and he groaned. "Fuck. I can't get enough of you. You started it by deep throating me and humming with me in your mouth. That's what set me off," he said with a laugh.

I steadied my knees on either side of his on the large seat in the tub. "Actually, you started it with only wearing that pair of jeans and nothing else. You made me crazy."

He blushed so hard it went down to his chest. "That was the point."

I froze as I pulled off of him. "You sneaky bastard."

"You love-ahhh fuck," he said as I lowered myself back down on him.

I chuckled. "Think we can take this one slow?"

"Mmm...how about you turn around so you can see the stars?"

I did as he said, and he felt impossibly large in this position. He pulled me down on to him by my hips, sitting me on his lap with my legs between his out-spread ones. We started a slow, torturous pace that drove me mad with need. Eventually, I had to lean forward and grasp the opposite edge of the tub because I needed something to squeeze with my hands.

"Chris," I gasped as he suddenly went to his knees on the seat behind me. It changed the angle of his hips so that every slow, torturous thrust into me had him hitting my g-spot. His left hand grasped my left breast, and his right snuck around my hips to play with my clit.

My entire body was on fire. I reached up to grab my other breast and tugged my nipple in time with him. I was panting and desperate for release and was definitely begging him for it with the whimpers coming out of my throat. I couldn't help it.

"Please," I begged, nearly sobbing. "Please!"

He squeezed my breast hard, his finger grazed my clit perfectly, and he thrust his hips into me hard one last time against my g-spot...all at once. We yelled together as we both orgasmed at the same time, and I felt each spurt of him inside me.

I swear my eyes rolled back into my head at the intense pleasure, and I very embarrassingly felt a rush of fluid gush from my body. The orgasm lasted so long and had his hands not been holding me up, I surely would have gone face down in the water and drowned.

He gently eased us back in the water, and my body spasmed around his cock, making him cry out. He pulled out of me, and I fell limply into his arms.

I could hear his heart beating out of control in his chest, and the blood rushing through my ears told me that my heartbeat matched his for sure. We sat there in the tub for a long time, and the water started getting too cold.

He set me down on the seat gently and drained the tub, but then quickly filled it back up with some more hot water. "I really did intend to massage you and wash you. We got a little distracted."

I laughed but then gasped at the intense aftershock orgasm that suddenly tore through me. Chris grinned at me.

When the tub was full once more, he shut it off and sat across from me, and then kept his promise of bathing me and massaging me. Every single muscle in my body felt wonderful when he was done, and I tried to do the same for him, but he wouldn't let me.

"Babe, it's okay. Besides, your eyes are shutting. Let's get you to bed."

"Okay," I said over a yawn.

We got out, dried off, and then I crawled into bed. I was out before my head even hit the pillow.

Great sex will do that to you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welllllllll?? Did we like all of that steamy-ness?!
> 
> Comments please!


	22. Dance, Dance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dee and Chris go to New York after their vacation to hang out with some friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well...this is a thing that I wrote...
> 
> I'm sorry. I know this is not great. I wrote this awhile ago, but didn't want to make you guys wait any longer for more and try to change it. Still working on this one. I know where I want it to go but trying to write has been a bear! 😭😭

The next morning was a whirlwind of activity as we got up super early, packed everything, and then left to catch our flight. We arrived in New York by 9 am, and Chris immediately dropped me off at Josh's shop.

I told Chris he didn't have to sit with me the whole time, so he went to take the dogs and our stuff to Tom's apartment and he was going to come back in a few hours with some food for us and Josh so we could have lunch.

Josh was really impressed that I was sitting so well. It hurt really fucking bad, but I almost didn't care. I sort of welcomed the pain, which I guess made me a little masochistic and twisted.

Chris eventually came back with food, and we took a short break to eat and then went right back to it.

The guys were convinced I would tap out first, but it was Josh who stopped after finishing up a section and said, "Fuck. I can't do any more. My hand is fuckin' killin' me." He set his gear down and looked at the clock. "Holy shit, Chica. You just sat for an 8-hour session like it was nothing."

I grinned at him. "I could still sit for more."

He laughed and shook his head. "No way. My hands can't take any more for today. Let's clean you up."

Chris came to stand by me as Josh got to work cleaning me up. "You're amazing. The most I ever sat for was 4 hours. I had to tap out."

"This is almost like therapy for me… Is that weird? I'm fucked up I guess," I said, wincing as Josh wiped some of the blood away. He took a picture of the work he did so far and then started covering it with a large piece of wound bandage and tape.

"Nah. You'd be surprised how many people come in to get tattooed and say it's like therapy for them," Josh said. "You're a fuckin' champ though. You may only have to sit through one more session for this piece."

"Sweet," I said, very carefully pulling my loose leggings up, not letting them touch the tattoo as much as possible. I pulled my dress back down and then let Chris help me out of the chair.

Josh gave me the tattoo aftercare rundown, my ointment, and then Chris paid and we left to head back to Tom's.

"It looks beautiful so far," Chris told me, grabbing my hand.

I smiled up at him. "It is. I really love Josh. I'm so glad you brought me to him. He's already planning out my leg piece to do next. He asked me whether I wanted a peacock or a phoenix."

"I think it would be awesome for you to have a phoenix. They're so symbolic of rebirth...it would really fit you."

I went on tiptoe to kiss him, feeling myself smile wide. "I love you so damn much."

"I love you too." He tucked a piece of hair back behind my ear. "Come on, let's get back so we can eat with everyone."

I raised an eyebrow. "Everyone?"

Chris blushed. "Lizzie insisted on throwing you another party. One where we could drink and let loose."

I rolled my eyes but laughed. "Who else is there?"

"Lizzie, Seb, Tom, of course, Jeremy, Henry, Robert, Scarlet, and Mackie. I think that's it."

I shook my head and smiled as we started walking again.

When we got back to Tom's, I was bombarded by the dogs, and I carefully had to bend to kiss them. Within seconds of us entering, Luna went right back to her spot at Tom's feet.

I rolled my eyes and grinned at Tom. "My dog really just abandoned me for you. Left me high and dry. What the hell is it about you?"

Tom grinned at me. "It must be my charming personality. I win over all the ladies."

Lizzie made gagging noises beside him. "You're gross."

I went around the room hugging and greeting everyone, and I saved Lizzie for last. "Hey bestie," I said, hugging her tight to me.

When she pulled back from me, she gave me an assessing look. "You look amazing," she said in a low voice as conversation picked up around us. "Seriously just glowing and so happy unlike I've ever seen you."

I blushed and then blushed even harder as Seb said, "That's probably from all the sex."

"Fuck you, dude," Chris said and put Seb in a headlock.

Seb laughed. "Save the fucking for your girl, dickwad. Although I'm sure you got plenty this week."

"Oh my god," I said, covering my face with my hands. "Can you at least wait until I'm high before we start talking about sex? Jesus Christ."

And then Lizzie, my dearest friend, grinned at me and pulled an already lit up bud out of seemingly nowhere. "Here."

I laughed hard and took a few hits as we watched Chris and Seb wrestle. Chris was much bigger though so very easily got Seb to tap out first.

"So...was it great sex?" Lizzie asked me, making everyone laugh as Chris and I blushed.

I looked over at Chris who met my eyes with so much happiness shining in them. "Let's just say...it was a really good week," I said as I turned back to Lizzie. I squeezed her hand, silently thanking her for the phone conversation she'd had to have with me.

Everyone chuckled and went back to chatting and Lizzie leaned close to me and hugged me to her again so she could whisper in my ear, "Please say you'll tell me more later."

"Of course."

***

A few hours later, and after everyone was thoroughly drunk or high...or both, we started playing some games.

"Wait! Let's play that dancing one that Lizzie and Chris had to play on Ellen!" Seb suggested. "That was fucking hysterical!"

"Not for me! Chris gave me a lap dance," Lizzie said, making a disgusted face.

"It was a terrible lap dance," I blurted out. "His belly dance was MUCH better. Did you see those hips?"

"Honey, we ALL saw those hips," Robert said with a laugh.

Chris was rolling his eyes at us all as we laughed. "My hips are fine." And just to prove his point, he got up and started doing a hip shake.

"Jesus Christ," Henry said. "I really don't need this mental image in my head."

"Evans," Mackie said as he wiped tears of laughter from his face. "Your hips got no game. What the fuck, man?"

"Hey," I defended. "Trust me...his hips do JUST fine."

A chorus of laughter went through the whole room.

"Thanks, babe," Chris said, sending a wink my way and literally making my heart burst in my chest.

"Wow, you guys are disgustingly adorable," Robert said, wrapping an arm around me as I sat on the couch.

Seb and Lizzie worked diligently, writing out all kinds of dances on index cards Tom had laying around. Two people would get up at a time to take a turn. Someone else would select an index card, show it to everyone in the room, and the two people taking their turn would dance to what it was. If one of them didn't know what it was and didn't start dancing right away, they would lose.

The winner would sit down for a sudden death round at the end with the other winners.

If both people knew the dance, after about 15 seconds, another index card would be chosen and so on until someone lost.

Lizzie and Seb volunteered to go first to get it going, but Lizzie was quick to lose because she didn't know the Carlton dance.

Next was Robert and Scarlet, with Scarlet coming out of it as the winner because Robert didn't know the floss.

Mackie and Henry went next, which was quite a sight to see. The first thing they had to do was a belly dance, and I laughed so hard I thought I would pee my pants at watching Henry try to move his hips and stomach.

Mackie won that round when Henry got stumped on the shopping cart.

"These dances are ridiculous! How are these real?!" Henry exclaimed.

"Look it up, and suck it up, buttercup," I told him, patting his arm.

He rolled his eyes at me. "Let's see how you do then," he said, gesturing to the floor.

I got up and Tom got up so he could go against me. "You sure you wanna do this? Hate to embarrass you in front of your girlfriend." We both looked over to Luna who was staring at him like a lost puppy because he left his spot at her side.

Everyone laughed and Tom shook his head at me. "That was low," he said, sticking his tongue out at me.

I rolled my eyes and then paid attention as our turn started.

Both of us easily got The Macarena, Gangnam Style, Roger Rabbit, Vogue, and The Running Man. I thought I was never going to beat him, but then a card popped up that said, 'Hips don't lie...Shakira Shakira', and I laughed really hard.

"What the fuck does that even mean?!" Tom yelled, throwing his hands in the air.

I immediately started shaking my hips like Shakira, and Seb and Lizzie were wolf-whistling and catcalling.

"Yo, what the FUCK!" I heard Mackie say. "You told me you can't dance!"

"Well, obviously she just didn't want to dance with you, asshole," Jeremy said and then Mackie put him in a headlock.

"Tom, you're out!" Robert said, and then I stopped dancing and grinned at Tom.

"You don't know how to shake your hips like Shakira? I can't believe it because I've seen the video of you shaking your ass on camera. You got some junk back there," I said.

There was an uproar of laughter, and I watched Chris fall off the couch with his hands on his chest as he laughed the hardest and loudest.

"What the hell is happening?" Scarlett said, laughing at everyone since we were all acting like lunatics.

When we all calmed down, Henry looked over at Chris and said VERY loudly, "Dude, if she can do that with her hips while dancing, you're a fucking lucky man."

I nearly spit out the sip of water that I took, and Chris blushed and got this shy smile on his face suddenly. It was adorable. "Damn right he's lucky. And he's the only one who will ever get to see the hip action in bed," I blurted out before I could stop myself, and also couldn't stop the hip movement that involuntarily followed that comment.

Lizzie laughed so hard she started snorting and shrieked as she fell from her seat to the floor and then started laughing harder. "I love you so much!" she yelled through laughter.

Seb rolled his eyes and picked her up. "My god. I can't take you anywhere. Chris and Jeremy...you guys are up. Then we can move on to the finals."

Jeremy lost that round pretty fast because he didn't know the cabbage patch dance, and then we were into the finals! Seb, Scarlet, Mackie, Chris, and I were all in the finals, and we started doing rapid fire dance moves.

Moonwalk, Soulja boy, hammer time, Cha-cha slide, Beyonce Single Ladies, NSYNC Bye Bye Bye... and tons more.

Scarlet went out first on Soulja boy followed by Seb with Single Ladies. Chris got taken out by the Funky Chicken (or Chicken Wing), and then it was just Mackie and me.

He would NOT lose...until the cotton eye joe card came up.

I shrieked with joy and started doing the dance I had learned by heart in middle school, and Mackie looked at me like I had 10 heads.

"What in the fresh white people hell is this shit?!" he yelled, mad that he lost.

Somewhere from the room, the actual song started playing, and Lizzie and Scarlet were laughing loudly and joining me in the dance.

Soon we had everyone else picking up on the moves and dancing with us and the dogs started jumping around.

Mackie stood there looking disgusted. "I can't believe I lost because of some country bumpkin bullshit."

"Aw maybe next time, Mackie," I said, pouting at him and giving him a hug as we stopped dancing.

Mackie was literally pouting as he went to grab another beer.

We played a few more games, and Chris and Tom took the dogs for a quick walk while the rest of us settled down and just started talking about random things.

I was curled on the couch between Seb and Henry, and it occurred to me that it didn't even bother me that I was practically sandwiched between both of them. I was really starting to get comfortable with these people. I'd be forever grateful that they welcomed me with open arms and have slowly helped me heal.

"I feel like someone needs to play music," Robert stated as Tom and Chris came back with the dogs.

"I can sing and play guitar," I blurted before I could stop myself.

Chris blinked at me. "I know you can sing...but I didn't know you could play guitar."

I nodded and sat up. "Well, in the past few years, I found it better to have something to keep my brain occupied so I didn't...think about other things. I don't have a guitar anymore because I sold it to help with moving expenses to get to Boston, but I love to play."

"Now you have to play us something. You do know that, right?" Robert said.

I blushed and was about to say something when Tom got up and walked down the hall before returning seconds later with a guitar. It was a Martin Guitar, a regular acoustic, but it was shiny and beautifully made. "Wait a second," I said, and then reached over to steal the lit bud from Seb's lips and took a few hits. "Okay ready." I took the guitar from Tom and stood up.

Jeremy pulled a stool over from the counter and put it in front of everyone in the living room.

"Um...what should I sing?" I asked as I perched on the stool with one leg on the rung to help hold the guitar in my lap.

"Kid, play whatever you want," Robert said.

I started strumming and singing 'Old MacDonald' as a joke and laughed at their faces. "Kidding!" I bit my lip sort of nervously. I had never played in front of a group before. "Um...I don't know any happy songs, but I taught myself this one right after...well, right after I left him."

I took a deep breath and shut my eyes as I started playing, letting myself really feel in the moment with the instrument in my arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments? Almost afraid to ask that this time...

**Author's Note:**

> Comments? Please?


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